The role of parents II
An effective parent can convey anger or disappointment without signaling withdrawal of love — and can teach without resorting to rejection, humiliating behavior, or physical or emotional abuse, all of which can damage a child’s fragile sense of self.
A child whose thoughts and feelings are treated with acceptance tends to internalize the response and to learn self-acceptance. Acceptance is conveyed, not necessarily by agreement, which is not always possible, but by listening to and acknowledging the child’s thoughts and feelings, and by not chastising, arguing, lecturing, psychologizing, or insulting.
A child who is treated with respect tends to learn self-respect. Stated simply, respect is conveyed by addressing the child with the same good-mannered courtesy one normally extends to adults. A home – or a classroom – in which people talk to one another with benevolent respect is an environment that supports self-esteem.
When praise is in order, convey appreciation of behavior, and do so realistically. Do not make extravagant, global statements about the child’s intelligence or ability — because they make the child feel anxious and unseen. When criticism of behavior is necessary, do so respectfully, with regard for the dignity of the recipient. Do not indulge in character assassination (Ginott, 1972).
When parents express their pleasure in and appreciation of a child’s questions or observations or thoughtfulness, they are encouraging the exercise of consciousness or mindfulness. When they respond positively and respectfully to a child’s efforts at self-expression, or invite such self-expression, they encourage self-assertiveness. When they acknowledge and show appreciation for a child’s truthfulness, they encourage integrity. In short, catch a child doing something right and convey pleasure and appreciation at the sight of it.
Stimulating self-esteem
How
parents respond when children make mistakes can be fateful for
self-esteem. If a child is ridiculed or chastised or punished for
making a mistake — or if a parent steps in impatiently, saying
“Here, let me do it!” – the child cannot feel free to struggle
and learn. A natural process of growth is sabotaged. A child who does
not feel accepted by parents if he or she makes a mistake may learn
to practice self-rejection in response to mistakes. Consciousness is
muted, self-acceptance is undermined, self-assertiveness and
self-responsibility are suppressed. It is more useful to ask, “What
have you learned? What might you do differently next time?”
An
effective way to stimulate expanded consciousness in young people is
to avoid asking questions that can be answered with a yes or no and
to ask instead questions that require thought. For instance, instead
of asking, “Did you have a good time at the circus?” — ask,
“What was the most interesting (or exciting) thing you saw at the
circus?” Or: “What’s your favorite book (or class) and what do
you like about it?”
There is no end to the possible ways one might encourage the six practices in young people; here, it has been possible to indicate only a few. I turn now to some of the ways in which teachers can contribute to the development of self-esteem in their students.