V. Discussion points.

Say:

1. if the end of the story seems pessimistic to you.

2. if Henry really helped his wife about the house.

3. what undermined the relationships of the spouses.

4. what provoked Jean’s sarcasm and indifference to her husband.

5. what the couple should have done if it were possible to restore the events.

Text 4.

How to get your husband to help at home.

This past summer a typical day for Melissa Swartz, a 33-year-old social worker and full-time student in Toledo started with her 7.30 a.m. dash to get her 13-year-old Danielle to band practice. The rush didn’t end until 10 p.m., after her last class. She was exhausted and frustrated. She couldn’t get her husband, Mike, to help with household chores. ”He knows if he stalls long enough, I’ll do them,” she says. Mike, 32, a busy architect, just wishes she would get off his back. “I try to keep things at an even keel. At times I may slack off, but I think I do my fair share.”

A national study of 2528 mothers in 1993 found that among dual-income couples, the woman contributes two thirds of the total family time spent on housework. “While women are working more outside the home, they are not necessarily working less inside the home, “notes Michael Leeds, an economist who has studied how husbands and wives divide up household responsibilities. He discovered that more than half of the husbands spent five hours or less each week doing housework; 15 percent did none at all.

Meanwhile, nearly half of the wives did more than 20 hours of housework a week.

What is in It for him?

While it is obvious why a wife would want a more equal chore load, why would a man willingly take on more of such unrewarding work? The truth is that men benefit greatly from sharing household chores.

Marriage spark.

Explains Evelyn Bassoff, a psychologist, “In the course of protecting, nurturing, disciplining, worrying about and rejoicing in their children, husband and wife are drawn into a daily intimacy from which a strong marital love can grow.”

After Colette and Ron had a daughter, Rebecca, everything to do with the baby or the house automatically became Colette’s job. “For a year I walked around angry, which is not great on a marriage,” she confesses. Then Ron began sharing the chores. “We are real partners again,” she says. ‘Our marriage and our sex life are much better because neither one is taken for granted.”

Child care can be especially rewarding. It’s an emotional roller coaster – joy one moment, Frustration the next.

Better health.

“Couples should be fighting over who gets to mow the lawn,” says Catherine Chambliss, a psychologist. “It’s a great cardiovascular workout.”

Desperate for exercise that wouldn’t exacerbate his knee problem, teacher Marty Kaminsky took over the housecleaning. His wife, Martha, was skeptical at first, but he’s been scrubbing and vacuuming now for two years. “I blast tapes on my Walkman and get into a good rhythm,” he says. “I can work up a sweat just mopping the floor.”

Have it your way.

San Diego police sergeant Steven Moss realized how much he enjoyed cooking after he did more of it for his wife and three children. “It’s relaxing and creative and I can make whatever I want,” he says.

Dan Kent of Atlanta cleans the bathrooms and vacuums the house because he likes it done his way. “May be it comes from being a lawyer, but I get very particular.”

Surprise! It works.

Dividing up household chores with your spouse is often difficult, but here are some tips to establish a more harmonious partnership:

Stop nagging.

Nagging brings out the worst in everybody. “It makes me feel like the Wicked Witch of the West,” admits Melissa Swartz. “Equals makes requests not demands or actions,” says Karen Blaisure, psychologist. Instead “Are you blind? Cant you see those stack of laundry?” Blaisure suggests more specific, such as, “I want us to take turns with the laundry.”

Spell out. Some women hope their husbands will pick up on a loud sigh over an unmade bed or a door slammed on a messy room. “That’s the fantasy of mental telepathy,” says Georgia Witkin, professor of psychology. “But people can’t know what you want until you tell them. It’s simple.” Cathy Weld, a writer who is married to Reb Cole, used to get frustrated when he cleaned the kitchen but never wiped the counter tops. Finally she pointed it out to him. “You’d be amazed what a difference it makes when you simply state what you would like in a non-angry way,” Weld reports.

Compromise.

“Negotiate a package that both can live with or it’s not going to work,” says sociology professor Alan Booth. Karen Clark, a computer consultant, gets very frustrated when she comes home to find peanut butter smeared on the kitchen counter. Her husband, Brooks, feels that there are more important things than immaculate house. “I wouldn’t trade a single minute playing baseball with my daughter for all the folded napkins in Martha Stewart’s warehouse,’ he declared. To get out of this impasse the Clarks try to maintain a minimum standard they both can agree on. Karen divides cleaning into three categories: Important, Sort of Important and Dreamland ones. Brooks has promised to stay on top of the important jobs and Karen is forcing herself not to get crazy over the dreamland ones.

Back off.

Many women say they want their husbands to take responsibility, but then have trouble letting go. When my husband took over a checkbook, a chore I’d always done, I would hang over his shoulder and say, “That’s not the right way!” Some part of me truly believed that this mature, intelligent man would wrack and ruin of I didn’t direct his every move. I shouldn’t have been surprised that Bill’s enthusiasm waned. Finally, he sat me down and said,” If you want me to do this, BACK OFF!” Now that the job is truly his, Bill takes full responsibility. And guess what? No checks have bounced and no creditors come calling. In fact, his system makes more sense than mine.

Quit the “don’t know how” game.

“I never learned how to go to the grocery store.” Harry Crowe, an architect, tells his wife Caroline. How to get around the incompetency defense? Don’t play into it. When he turns the laundry pink, let him wear pink underwear. If he can program a VCR or fix a cap, there is no reason he can’t work a household appliance.

Adapt. When trying to resolve the chore wars look at the total picture – not just vacuuming, child care and yard work, but the “invisible” chores such as remembering family birthdays, arranging social outings, coaching soccer. Who takes care of the car? The garden? When a couple swaps lists of everything each did that week, they can be amazed at how much the other accomplished. Sometimes they see things are fairer than they realized.

Say” thank you”. Every weekend Don Levine, a university professor, makes a special pancake breakfast for his wife and their three children. “One weekend I watched him as he flipped the pancakes and entertained the kids, and it struck me, as hard as I work in the house, he puts in a lot of effort too,” says his wife. “Now I make it a point to thank him, and get the kids to show appreciation too.” Recognizing each other’s efforts is a key factor in forging happy working relationships. The division of labour doesn’t have to be equal. What matters is that neither side is taken for advantage of or unappreciated.