Chapter 3

They were big bread crumbs, more like bread chunks, and I was hungry. I began scavenging for them, eating them as soon as I found them. They were dirty and disgusting and tasted like chalk, but they were food, nonetheless.

Damn, I was hungry!

"See, the crumbs will again lead us home," I heard a very young, high-pitched voice say. There was a squeak of alarm. "Who are you, and what have you done with my crumbs?"

I looked up and saw a blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy looking down at me. He stood next to his equally blonde-haired, blue-eyed younger sister.

They were adorable.

I stood up and held out a hand. "Um, yeah, sorry about eating your bread crumbs. I was just really hungry."

"We were too. Yet we left the trail so we could find our way home."

"After your parents left you in the woods, right?"

"They didn't leave us, they simply—"

"Forgot you. Misplaced you?" I stood up to my full height. "Listen, we're all hungry here, and I think we'll find food just ahead. We just need to wander around a bit, and we'll find it."

"How do you know this? We're—"

"In the midst of famine. I know. There's no food to be found anywhere. And that's why your mother and father brought you to the middle of the woods. They told you they were gathering food, but really, they left you so they would have fewer mouths to feed."

"Don't say that! Our parents love us!"

Hold on, these children should be speaking German. I don't know German. I shouldn't understand them, yet I did. It was a dream. Nothing I did really mattered, because it was a dream.

The little girl was beating against me with her fists. "Our pawents wuv us!" she screamed.

"Oh, for chrissake's kid, learn to pronounce your 'Rs.' It isn't cute, it's annoying. Next up, your folks left you in the woods, all alone. Deal with it."

"They said they were going to come back for us," the little boy said.

"Okay, Hansel, right? You heard your parents saying they were going to get rid of you—I mean, this isn't the first time they did this, is it?"

"Nooo. But the Lord has watched over us."

"Yeah, well, unless I'm an angel, he's just checked out, 'cause if memory serves, you're wicked hungry with no way to find your way home."

"Had you not eaten our trail of bread crumbs, we would already be home."

I laughed at this. "Get a clue, I mean, bread crumbs? In a forest? If I hadn't eaten them, the birds or fuzzy critters woulda made short work of them. They'd already eaten most of the trail anyway."

"Are you weally an angel?" Gretel asked.

I ignored her, and instead studied the sky. If memory served, Hansel and Gretel found a white bird they followed to the witch's house. Of course, that was only after three days and nearly starving to death.

I didn't really relish that thought... relish. On a hot dog. With onions and chili. Ah, a Coney Island chili dog sounded like a wonderful idea. Okay, focus now; focus would be good here.

The bread crumbs had been in a fairly straight line, and I was pretty sure that if we followed along their path, we'd find the kids' cottage. Or come close enough so they'd recognize the area and be able to find their way home.

But that wouldn't really solve the problem now, would it? Their parents would just try to lose them again when I wasn't around to help. We had to first find the witch's house, eat a tasty meal, kill her before she steeped us in marinade, and rip her off. Then I could take them home.

"Okay, move out."

"Where are we going, sir?" Hansel asked.

I looked at him, then down at my clothes, and decided against correcting him. "We're off to find the Wicked Witch of the West. Come on." I'd use the sun and stars to navigate our course. 'Course, I'd still mark some trees to ensure we could find our way back. I'd already had enough embarrassing mistakes today to last a lifetime. For most people. For me, enough to last, say, a day if I was lucky?

"Did the angel just say we're gonna meet a witch?" Gretel asked.

"Are... are you sure you know what you're doing?" Hansel asked me.

I'd had enough of people questioning my help. "Listen, kid, I don't see you coming up with any hot ideas of your own. But if you do, feel free." I waved a hand back toward the forest.

"What are we gonna do?" Gretel whispered to Hansel.

He shrugged. "Follow our angel."

I kept scanning the sky, hoping to see the white bird that would eventually lead the kids to the witch's house. According to the tale, it took three days for them to see the bird. I was hoping it had taken them three days to notice the creature.

We kept trudging forward, and it seemed like hours, but it was probably hours. I tried pinching myself to wake up, but it didn't work. I musta really clocked myself.

But, looking on the bright side, at least Gretel hadn't been saying anything too much. Darn good thing I was a dyke, 'cause I just really couldn't deal with kids unless I could make them drop and give me fifty.

When I looked back at them though, they were having trouble keeping up. I couldn't help but notice how pale and shaky they looked. Though they could probably last a few days, or maybe a week, they really needed to eat soon. I'd heard starvation was not a pleasant death. I think it ranked right up there with being slowly eaten by dung beetles. I grinned. Now, being slowly eaten by a woman would be something entirely different.

Oh, god. My mind was wandering and I was starting to get weak. I had to eat if I was going to be any match for the witch.

Now, logically I knew these kids would get by all right on their own, but it wouldn't be a pleasant experience. And, as a good dyke, I knew what these kids were going to have to go through would mar them for life. They'd need years of therapy to get over it!

I looked around for something we could eat. I might seriously have to consider killing something. Too bad there wasn't a stream, 'cause maybe I could handle fishing. That wouldn't be too bad, killing a fish, would it?

Then I heard gasps and I looked into the darkening gloom. At the edge of the glade there was a house made of food. The roof was cake, the walls were bread, and the windows were sugar.

"Let's eat!" I yelled, charging forward and grabbing a handful of wall. I noticed Hansel and Gretel went straight for the roof and windows. Just what I needed, munchkins on sugar highs.

"Nibble, nibble, nibble," came a high, croaky, aged voice from inside the house. "Who's nibbling on my house?"

Before I could stop him, Hansel responded, "The sun and the wind!"

This response would've made much more sense had the sun not just set. I glanced around, looking for something I could use as a weapon. According to the tale, the kids would get out of this, but only after a week of torture. Hansel would be held captive and fattened, while Gretel would have to eat shells.

Not on my watch they wouldn't. The witch was supposed to get shoved into the oven when she tried to show Gretel how to check its heat, so she really wasn't that powerful. I walked around the house, looking at the surroundings.

If she had an oven, it was probably heated by wood, given this area and age. Thus, she must have a woodpile somewhere, and as I'd already proven once today, where's there's a woodpile, there's an axe.

Bingo! I hefted the axe in my hands. Major déjà vu. Before today, I wasn't sure if I had ever hefted anything before in my life. Ah well. I checked the blade with my finger. It really wasn't that sharp. It was rather dull, actually.

I tried to imagine aiming it at the witch's neck, swinging it toward her and...

But... Okay. So from the tales, this witch isn't really too powerful, she just has some odd eating habits. But what if the tale is wrong? What if she is really a real witch, with like masso-destructive powers? C'mon, I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I knew what a powerful witch could do.

Besides, I didn't like the idea of lopping someone's head off in the first place, but to have to swing and hit repeatedly? Giving her a chance to fight back? No way Jose. This wasn't some old wolf playing grandmother, this was a witch.

Then, well, I was a good dyke and I'd been to Michigan. The festival, not the state. Well, I'd been to the state too, I lived there and I was pretty sure this forest was still in Michigan, but that's beside the point. I'd done the festival in the hot muggy summer rain, chanting with Holly and Molly and Muffy. I'd done Muffy, too, but... focus, Cody.

The point I was struggling with was, well, what if this was a misunderstood good witch, a victim of patriarchal mistrust of feminine nature and oppression of old women and their unusual abodes? What if I chopped up a good Crone? How would I ever go topless and share tofu again? Well, now that I thought about it... maybe the key was to just get it over with quickly. Trust the fairy tale. Next time I was passing the talking stick around the bonfire, I just wouldn't mention this little episode.

I looked around for something to sharpen the blade with. I wanted it nice and sharp. And of course, the only thing was another of those bleedin' leather straps. Oh, well, if this kept up, I'd be an expert with them.

I went back to join the kids just as the witch came out and tried to seduce them with pretty words. I tried to see her as a worthy Crone, but when she seemed to be measuring Hansel to see if he'd fit in a particular cook pot she had in mind, I decided politically correct hesitation might be fatal.

Not that I didn't hesitate some more. Let's think about this. I was just worrying about having to kill cute, fuzzy animals, and here I was about to lop the head off a person. But, again, I had just dissected a wolf, so, I guess I could put it all into perspective.

It was all a dream. I swung the axe and her head went flying while her body collapsed. Both spewing blood. Lots of blood. Some of it flying back onto my favorite Timberlands. Ick\

I dropped the axe and looked at the dumbstruck kids. "She was a witch. A really evil, wicked witch who wanted to eat you. She likes eating children. Likes the nice, tender meat."

"Oh, then it's all right," Hansel said, shrugging and continuing with his speed eating. The kid could really pack it away, too.

I knew we had more to accomplish here, plus this bread, cake and sugar meal just wasn't hitting the spot with me. The witch was a carnivore, after all, and even if she did like young children, she must eat something else as well. I went in, careful not to pull apart the somewhat sticky and flimsy door. I wondered if this climate was cool enough so that she never had to worry about it melting. Or had she rebuilt after every heat wave?

I looked around and called out, "Hansel, Gretel, dinner's served!"

After our tasty meal of... well, I didn't want to think what the meat was, but given the size, it was probably venison (oh, god, my ex Anne would never forgive me for eating Bambi!), but at least she had already prepared and cooked it. All we had to do was find the mustard.

We couldn't go anywhere safely until daylight because the forest was probably haunted and had trolls and such. Besides being bewitched. But as long as the predators thought the witch was still alive, we'd be fine in her house.

So I went and dug a makeshift grave into which I buried her body. I went back inside and searched the house with the help of the kids. We found the pearls and other jewels I knew were there, and I piled them up.

"In the morning, I'll take you two home. We'll take as many of these as we can carry, because these are what'll keep your parents from trying to lose you again."

"But what do we do tonight?" Hansel asked.

I looked around. "We crash here. You two share the bed. I'll sleep on the floor. No one will bother us. After all, they think the witch is still here."

Gretel jumped off the bed and hugged me. "We'll be safe with our angel."

Kids could grow on you. I left them with the blankets, but I took the witch's pillow and crawled up on the floor, pulling a shawl over me.

The floor was hard, I didn't have my air purifier, and I was cold. The damned kids had just better not snore, or I'd have to lop off their heads, too.

I wasn't gonna sleep a wink.