The Dilemma of the Only Child

Because only children do not have siblings with whom to interact, they learn to be children on their own. Parents and play groups can help, but ultimately children become conditioned to depend on themselves. Says one adult only child, "Possibly the best part was developing the ability to enjoy being alone and to entertain myself. I've always had plenty of friends, yet people are surprised by how much of a loner I can be" (Koontz, 1989, p. 39). Although this self-sufficiency can have its benefits, it can also mean that only children are inherently alone as their personalities develop.

Because only children must develop in social situations that may not be suited to their personalities, the concepts of introversion and extraversion must be re-evaluated in the consideration of only children. Ultimately, an only child's environment forces him or her to take on both characteristics of introversion and extraversion despite natural inclinations to be one or the other. A naturally introverted child must show extraverted qualities if he or she wishes to make friends; likewise, a naturally extraverted child must learn to show introverted qualities by being content to focus on his or her own thoughts when playmates are unavailable.

Of course, very few humans are strictly extraverted or introverted; most fall somewhere in between the two. The term "ambivert" has been coined to describe those persons who show both characteristics. However, the term "ambivert" is not accurate in describing only children. To call an only child introverted, extraverted, or ambiverted would be to imply that the child developed into its natural tendency toward that certain personality type with little influence from its environment. Thus only children are caught in a dilemma. Although environmental influence is not the sole influence in personality development, only children must develop their personalities in unique environmental situations. Their environments force them to act against their natural tendencies in order to function normally. These "only-verts" then must always at times be acting in ways against their natural tendencies. Perhaps this struggle helps explain some of the common characteristics that emerge among only children, such as the tendency to not participate in many activities but leading the ones in which they do participate or learning to be comfortable being "loners" by learning to retreat within themselves. Perhaps because the emotional difficulties that only children are prone to have such as excessive sensitivity, hypochondria, or trouble expressing anger (Brophy, 1989, p. 55) are results of environmental influence but not in the way most commonly assumed. Rather than solely the effects of sibling-free socialization, these emotional difficulties could be attributed to an almost Freudian struggle between opposing forces: the natural tendency toward extraversion or introversion versus the environmental pressures to subdue those tendencies in order to function.

Of course, Freud's theory, although testable, cannot be proven or disproven scientifically (Grünbaum, 1986, p. 221) and any situation analogous to Freudian theory would be difficult to test as well. However, a questionnaire could be designed much like one to measure extraversion and introversion with modifications to take into account the special case of only children to try to get some sense of how only children feel about themselves and their interaction with the world around them. For example, a study could be used to determine how adults feel their upbringing as only children affected them.

Ever since Adler brought forth the idea of birth order's effect on personality (and possibly before), the only child has been seen as having distinct personality traits. Although environment has not been shown to be the only influence in personality development, only children develop in a unique social setting. Therefore, perhaps their environments exert enough influence in their development to accentuate personality traits and force a struggle against natural tendencies.

The seven ages of an only child

What's it like to spend a lifetime without brothers and sisters, asks Joanna Moorhead

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• Joanna Moorhead

• The Guardian, Saturday 4 March 2006

• Article history

Alex Healey, 10

When my mum's friend had a baby it made me think about being an only child for the first time. I thought, would I like brothers and sisters? But to be honest, my friend's sister looked quite a hassle - he was always having to watch her. I thought, I'm better off on my own - especially as brothers and sisters seem to fight a lot, that's something I've noticed.

There are other good things, too. I get my privacy, and I like that: some of my friends have to share a bedroom and I know that will never happen to me. And there's no one to mess my stuff up, either. Plus I get time on my own with Mum and Dad, and that's special.

One thing I am pleased about is that my friend Thomas lives really close by, so it's easy for me to go and play with him. When I grow up I'd be happy to have just one child, but I'd always make sure we lived close to other kids.