Do Your In-Laws Drive You Mad?

The poor farm boy married the rich girl from town, and now he had to endure her disapproving mother. The young couple couldn’t afford a home of their own, so they moved in with her. Thirty three years later, long after the couple had moved to the White House, US President Harry Truman’s mother-in-law Madge Gates Wallace was still there, ruling the dinner table.

“It was very hard on my father,” Truman’s daughter Margaret said years later. “But he made it his business to get on because he loved my mother.”

Winston Churchill’s “darling Clementine” also learned early that she had married not just her husband but his strong-willed mother as well. When she and Winston came back from their honeymoon, the young bride discovered that Lady Randolph Churchill had completely redecorated the couple’s new home in a far more elaborate style than Clementine had planned.

Today few families dwell with their in-laws. But even when the generations don’t live together, daily phone calls and frequent visits often make it seem that way. Experts say that three-quarters of all married couples have problems with their in-laws, which can make the relationship a major source of unhappiness.

Here are some of the most common in-law problems and ways to handle them:

The Freeze. When teacher John and his wife Wiona were first married, her parents not only meddled in the young couple’s affairs but seemed to ignore John when the four were together. “I feel like an outsider,” John told Wiona one day, just before a visit. “I need to know that I have your support.”

That was a turning point in their marriage. From then on Wiona made sure that John was included in all family conversations and activities. Gradually, Wiona’s parents began to accept their son-in-law and respect the couple’s right to make their own decisions.

The “Gift”. Georgia, a talented amateur singer, worked in an office to support her husband Michael while he studied for a degree. Her parents gave her $650 for vocal lessons. But before she started her lessons Michael’s tuition fees were due. Since the couple had agreed their top priority was for him to finish his studies, Georgia used the gift to pay the tuition instead.

Soon Georgia’s parents avoided visiting when Michael was at home. Worse still, they began expressing doubts about him as a husband. Concerned, Georgia asked her parents why they were acting that way.

“Look at the way he pressured you into spending our money on his tuition instead of your voice lessons.”

She explained to her mother that she had paid the tuition willingly and promised to start saving for singing lessons. But she vowed to think twice before accepting money from her parents again.

There are four keys to successful relationship with your own in-laws:

1. Stand by your mate. By presenting a united front, you may actually ease your in-laws’ concerns.

2. Watch out for strings. Unhook yourself financially. Do not rely on Mum and Dad for regular child care, it sets a stage for disputes over bringing up children.

3. Be a friend. First you should decide how to call you in-laws. Spend time with your in-laws and take interest in their work, hobbies, ideas and experiences. Knowing them better will make for fewer misunderstandings.

4. Speak up. Keep your comments to the issues at hand, rather than recounting past irritations.