[Katharina_Manassis]_Cognitive_Behavioral_Therapy

Child Module 2: Fear-Master Imagery Fear-Master Imagery (Introduction)

Fear-Signal Review—When did you notice your fear signal this week? What happened? Were you able to tell yourself, “It’s just my fear acting up?” Parents, can you think of a situation where you noticed the fear signal in your child? Let’s talk about that situation(s) until we’re all clear on how to detect the fear signal.

Now, let’s take the next step to becoming a Fear-Master. Think about a situation that makes some children nervous that you handle really well. Having trouble thinking of one? Ask your mom and dad if they have noticed any. Everyone has at least one of these situations, because no two people are afraid of exactly the same things. Some people are really shy and nervous when they meet new people, but they handle roller coasters with no problem. Other people are not shy, but they worry about doing well on projects. Still other people get worried when they are away from home, but they do their projects calmly and don’t worry about the grade they will get. Some people are terrified of spiders, but like being around dogs. Other people panic when they see a dog, but see spiders as “no big deal.” Write or draw the situation you already handle well:

Now, let’s figure out what strategy you use in that situation that helps you handle the fear. Some people just tell themselves, “It’s no big deal.” Other people remember that they’ve handled the situation before, so they can do it again. Other people remind themselves that they are not alone: other people will help out if needed. Some people take their mind off the scary parts of the situation and focus on the parts that are not scary. Some people remind themselves that they are smart enough (or brave enough, or strong enough, or good enough) to get through the situation. Some people just breathe slowly or imagine how good they will feel when it is over. Have you done any of these things? You have probably done at least one, even if you were not aware of it.

My Fear-Master strategy for this situation is:

Can you think of a second strategy you ever used (in this situation or other situations)? Can you think of a third strategy? Let’s see how many you can come up with in 5 minutes. I will jot down all the ones you mention. Ready? Go!

1.

2.

3.

Wow! That was impressive.

Imagining.—Now let’s do something with all those ideas. See if you can imagine doing all of them at once. What sort of person or creature would you have to be to do them all? Would you be a wizard that casts different spells to make fears disappear? Would you be a cook that dissolves fears in a boiling pot? Would you be a computer expert who switches to a different program or Web site when something scary comes up? Would you be a knight in metal armor that deflects any frightening arrow or bullet that might come your way? Would you be the

karate girl you saw earlier, who uses clever moves to fool fear and stop it from hurting her? Would you be the conductor of a train, that is in control and will not let fearful thoughts run away with her? Would you be a Boy Scout who is always prepared, and has a whole troop of people to support him?

Take a few minutes to decide on the best image for you.

My Fear-Master looks like:

Draw Your Fear-Master, cut it out, and paste it on a pocket-size card. Print or have your parent print the word “Breathe” in big letters at the bottom, because that’s always a healthy thing to do, and we will learn more about that later.

Now, think about some situations that are hard for you, like the ones where you noticed your fear signal last week. I will jot them down:

1.

2.

3.

What would happen if you focused on your Fear-Master Image in those situations and acted like that person or creature? OK, so maybe it would not work for all of them, but let’s start with just one. Is there even one “Fear Signal” situation where this would be worth a try? See if there’s one coming up in the next week or so where the Fear-Master Image might work.

In this trick, fear tries to convince us that we can predict the future. Fear comes disguised as a gambler and says: “Place your bet and let me deal you some cards! You can figure out how to win! If you think hard enough, you can predict the order of those cards, and you can make sure you get a winning hand! Don’t stop thinking, though, or you won’t predict all the possible combinations of cards. Then you won’t win.”

Of course, that is nonsense. The cards cannot be predicted or controlled no matter how clever you are, which is why gamblers usually lose. Life’s like that too. The future cannot be predicted and cannot be controlled completely, no matter how much you think or worry about it. If you prepare for every possible thing that could go wrong, something else bad could still happen, or something good could happen instead. You never know. You can make some sensible preparations to cope better, but the only thing you can predict or control completely is your own reaction to what happens, whatever it is.

So what should you do instead of thinking and worrying? You need to become a Fear-Master. You need to expose the gambler’s lies. Imagine that your worries are like the gambler’s cards. Picture yourself throwing them in the air. You do not know how they will land, but it does not matter. You can toss them away. They predict nothing. You can handle whatever happens regardless of those worries, because you’re not controlled by fear.

Fear Trick 2: The World Is a Stage

(Image: Girl or Boy on Stage)

This trick happens a lot to people who get shy or embarrassed. For this trick, fear tries to convince you that you live on a stage in the spotlight. Fear says “Everyone can see what you look like, and every tiny imperfect thing about your looks. Everyone is watching what you do and will laugh if you slip or fall or drop something. Everyone can hear what you say, and you might get that funny squeak in your voice, or that tongue-tied feeling like you can’t say anything right, or you might have to cough or even throw up, and everyone will hear and see it all. The only way to be safe is to perform perfectly all the time, so you impress people and they don’t think bad things about you.”

That’s nonsense too. You don’t live on a stage; you live on earth. On earth, people are usually too busy to sit around judging other people. Besides, the

people who care about you will forgive you if you make a mistake once in a while. You don’t have to impress them. They like you and love you anyway. And as for the people who do not care about you, who cares what they think? Let them have their opinion, whatever it is. You don’t have to get them to like you or admire you.

In truth, nobody is liked and admired by everyone, yet most people are still liked and loved by their friends and family. If that’s you, you are just like everyone else. You’re not the worst, and you’re not the best, but that’s OK. There’s only one of you, so that makes you special, just as you are. See yourself as a Fear-Master, taking a bow, closing the curtains, turning off the spotlight, and jumping off that stage to join the human race. We don’t live on stage. We live with each other, and we belong with each other, just as we are.

Fear Trick 3: Being Alone Means Being Helpless

(Image: Television Set and Converter)

This trick happens to people who are afraid to be alone. For this trick, fear tries to convince you that you are weak, and you can’t cope without your parents. Then, fear turns off all the good memories and the good things you’ve learned from your parents. Instead, fear sends your mind all kinds of scary movies about car accidents, or about people dying, or about getting kidnapped and taken away, or about ghosts in you room, all kinds of scary things!

In truth, you are never that weak. Your parents would not leave you alone in a situation if you could not handle it, or they would be in serious trouble with the authorities. They’re not allowed to leave you alone unless they know you’re safe. They’ve taught you everything you need to cope in that situation, even if you don’t know exactly when they are coming back for you. And as you know, they always do come back!

So now, as a Fear-Master, what do you have to do? As a Fear-Master, you have to turn off the scary movie, and turn on the movie of good memories that you have of your family. Tell yourself, “It’s not real,” and imagine yourself changing the channel. That’s all you have to do. Now, on the new channel, you see your parents right there by your side. Watch that channel in your mind as long as you’re afraid, and before long your parents will arrive. If

you need help remembering them, bring along a picture or a favorite thing from home to remind you. If it’s still hard, try imagining something that you remember from a favorite show. Then, enjoy the new show.

Fear Trick 4: If One Little Thing Goes Wrong, the Sky Will Fall

(Image: Chick or Small Chicken)

I call this trick the “chicken little” trick. Chicken Little was a character in a story who got hit on the head by a tiny little acorn and was convinced that a piece of the sky had hit him. He ran around saying, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” Pretty soon, he had a lot of other people convinced the sky was falling too. That wasn’t very smart. With the Chicken Little trick, fear says, “If I make just one mistake, if I’m 5 or 10 minutes late, if I don’t get to my next level in swimming lessons, if I don’t understand my homework one night, if just one little thing goes wrong.… the sky will fall.” Then, you don’t just become fearful, but you become angry because it seems like everyone else is making things go wrong! They are screwing up, it seems, and you will pay the price!

Of course, there is no price. The sky does not fall. We all make mistakes, we all have families that make mistakes, and most of us somehow still muddle through to learn how to swim eventually, and graduate from school eventually, and have pretty good lives. The fear of making mistakes can stop us from making decisions, which can really slow us down, but the mistakes themselves are not such a disaster. In fact, if it wasn’t for mistakes, we wouldn’t learn much. Check it out. The question you got wrong on your test is the one you’ll know for sure on your final exam. Mistakes teach us important lessons, so it’s important we let ourselves make them, and others make them too. The only way to avoid mistakes completely is to never do anything, and that’s the biggest mistake of all! Coping when things aren’t perfect is something to be proud of. It’s an important skill. The most successful people are usually ones who have learned “not to sweat the small stuff.” So, what should a Fear-Master do for Chicken Little? Do you have any ideas? No, we’re not going to make him into chicken soup. How about tucking him into his nest and reminding him that the sky is still there, and if he gives himself some time to calm down and rest, he can enjoy a beautiful sunrise tomorrow morning. You can too, no matter how many hassles,

mistakes, and awful situations you have to deal with today. You will survive today, and you always have another chance to get it right, tomorrow. And guess what? No matter how bad it seems right now, chances are by tomorrow it will just be like the acorn that hit Chicken Little: no big deal.

Now, imagine tomorrow’s sunrise.

(Image: Sunrise)

Fear Trick 5: You Are as Helpless as a Mouse

(Image: Mouse)

In this trick, fear tries to convince you you’re a mouse. This often happens when facing a situation that involves some real risks. In this case, fear tries to say, “When something scary happens, all you can do is scurry away and hide. You’re just a helpless little mouse!”

Isn’t that silly? You’re not a mouse. You’re a smart, strong, brave boy or girl. You can do all kinds of things to prepare for the scary situation and to cope when you’re in it. If you’re afraid of tests, you can study. If you’re afraid of something really dangerous, like an operation, you can learn about it or ask your parents about it. That way, you’ll be in great shape to get through it!

There’s always something you can do about what you fear, no matter how awful it seems. In the next session, we’ll talk about your “calm self,” which will help you stop fear from taking over, whatever the situation. For now, just remember: you’re not a mouse; you’re a person, so use that marvelous human brain you have, and do something to prepare for what’s ahead!

Then, once you have done all you can do, try some of the “calm self” exercises. Here’s a picture of some people whose motto is “Be Prepared,” and they usually are!

(Image: Boy Scout & Girl Scout)

Which Fear Trick Happens a Lot to YOU?—Imagine what a Fear-Master would do. Go back to your Fear-Master Image. What would he or she do?

A Fear Trick I have noticed is:

A Fear-Master Image does this:

Draw your Fear-Master Image doing that action, and paste it on a card. Print or have your parent print the word “Breathe” at the bottom. It’s a really good reminder to help you relax, and we all need oxygen! Pull out that card and look at it each time you notice your Fear Signal this week.

Fear-Master Image Defeating Fear (Draw)—What if none of the fear tricks seem familiar? Maybe fear is tricking you another way. For example, one boy told me, “My imagination keeps running away with me.” That was his way of being tricked by fear. He drew a runaway train on his fear card. Then, he drew himself as the conductor, getting that train to slow down and stay on the track. That was his way of being a Fear-Master. After practicing with his card, he could get his mind to slow down and stay focused on what was going on. His imagination didn’t run away with him any more. A girl told me, “My thoughts keep snowballing.” She drew a picture of herself holding the snowball back from rolling down a hill, so it would not increase in size. Whenever she caught “snowballing thoughts,” she labeled them and tried to concentrate on whatever task was in front of her.

The specific image or name you find for the problem is not as important as giving it a name or image. Once you have a name or image that means something to you and is easy to remember, then you can tell when fear is tricking you, stop the trick with your Fear-Master Image, and get refocused on whatever is happening in your life at that moment. If you are still struggling with this, see if your mom or dad can help find a way fear tricks you, a way to be a Fear-Master, and a way to show it on a card.

This week, practice using the new card when you notice your fear signal. Some people find they do school work more quickly, because they are more focused, others find they enjoy time with their friends more as they get more interested in people and less interested in their own worries. Even if no big changes like that happen, you can always find something else to focus on besides your fear, and that feels good.