Acceptance

This chapter aims to help you understand:

•   What acceptance is

•   How acceptance can help you manage chronic pain

•   What Attentional Control or Mindfulness is

Chronic pain can have a devastating effect on people’s lives, often causing problems with relationships, finances and emotions. Other chapters in this book have looked at different ways of dealing with these problems, such as problem-solving (Chapter 10), relaxation (Chapter 12) and managing moods (Chapter 14). Acceptance is another vital factor in coping with problems resulting from chronic pain.

When real-life situations do not match expectations then emotional pain and distress can follow. There is a gap between what is or was expected, hoped for or the ‘ideal’ and what actually takes place or happens. And the bigger the gap, the greater the distress. Acceptance or coming to terms with your situation can bridge this gap and reduce the discomfort and distress.

To understand the gap that sometimes exists between reality and expectations, try the following exercise.

In your notebook, write two column headings:

The Real Me

and

The Ideal Me

Under ‘The Real Me’, write down your thoughts in answer to the questions:

•   Who am I now?

•   What is my life like?

Under ‘The Ideal Me’, write down your thoughts in answer to the questions:

•   What did I expect to be?

•   What do I think and feel things should be like?

What is acceptance?

When someone gives you a gift, you may feel excited or happy when you accept it. Trying to accept a situation or event that is negative or unwanted will probably cause you to react very differently. For example, trying to accept that a loved one has died may make someone feel sad, angry and fearful.

One definition of acceptance is: ‘experiencing events fully, just as they are and not as they ought to be’. The mindfulness exercises later in this chapter (see p. 256) can help you learn how to ‘experience events just as they are’, without judging them as negative or positive.

Acceptance is not the same as ‘giving up’ or ‘putting your head in the sand’. It is an ongoing process in which people with chronic pain can recognize that their real-life situation is difficult. It may not be what they would have chosen, but they can begin to look at themselves, others and the future in a different, more helpful way. Accepting what is happening can give you a sense of having some control over your circumstances and your future. It can also lead to a more hopeful, optimistic outlook.

MAKING SENSE OF LIFE

For centuries, human beings have searched for spiritual meaning and used different belief systems to explain or make sense of life. When things don’t seem to ‘make sense’, it can take some effort to adjust to them in a helpful way.

For example, when in pain, bereaved or in crisis, people often ask: ‘Why me?’ or ‘How did this happen?’ In other words, they search for some ‘meaning’ in what has happened.

Case history: Steve

Steve found his back pain had got steadily worse over the months. Now, two years after the accident, he had given up work and spent a lot of time each day lying on his bed at home. He was sad and fed-up, and asked himself: ‘What’s the point in anything?’ Steve had worked hard in his job. When he stopped work, he felt helpless and unable to change what had happened. Before the accident, he had expected to get promotion and he had been a good worker.

The pain meant that Steve:

•   Could not work at his previous job, which he had enjoyed.

•   Did not earn enough money to live the way he had expected to before.

•   Had to agree with his partner, Nicole, that she would go out to work.

•   Spent more time at home, often in bed.

•   Had to accept that his plans for his future family would no longer be practical.

•   Had low moods and felt distressed.

So there was a big gap between what he had planned and hoped for, and what was actually happening to him.

Now think about your own situation. Ask yourself:

•   What does it mean to me to have chronic pain?

•   How does the pain affect me, the people around me, and my future?

You may want to write down your answers in your notebook.