How to make sexual relationships easier

PACING

Here are some tips for pacing your sexual relationship:

•   It’s important not to overdo it (either physically or emotionally) to start with.

•   Start slowly: set a time together, if it helps you to relax.

•   Just try kissing and cuddling, to begin with.

•   Both partners need to understand and agree what is OK at this point. This can help to reduce anxiety and fear about increasing pain (for both partners).

•   Set some goals: explore your sexuality together within agreed limits – taking it one step at a time.

•   Full sexual intercourse is not necessarily the long-term goal for everyone.

•   Practise!! Some couples find that one or both partners have arousal problems due to lack of practise. Frequent successful practise increases confidence, especially if both partners agree that there will be no pressure to ‘perform’.

Pain does not need to be a reason for avoiding a sexual relationship. A couple can become more confident by touching and fondling. With some experimenting and a sense of humour, most couples can work out satisfactory positions that will not cause pain.

THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

Sex in a loving mutual relationship cannot cause harm to any part of the body. However, like exercising, for the first few times there may be a temporary increase in pain.

Negative thoughts can make it harder to relax and enjoy sex. For example:

•   I know I am going to suffer from this, it will be dreadful.

•   How can I stop this?

•   I must satisfy her/him this time/always.

•   I must be the active one.

•   I should always be willing.

•   I can’t deal with this demand on me, it is too much.

If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts, get your partner to challenge them with you, so you have a more balanced view about being physically closer and sexually active. For example, Jim and Ann shared their concerns, including Jim’s prediction about how he would suffer awful pain if Ann touched him around his chest. Jim realized that Ann enjoyed some massage with her favourite oils and it was pleasurable for both of them. They found experimenting in this way helped. Jim was much less fearful when he realized he did not have to suffer being touched in his sensitive pain areas.

Sexual relationships are more than just intercourse, and there are many alternative ways of being intimate. For instance, many couples find comfort and reassurance lying together, caressing each other, taking a shower together, or massaging each other in favourite places. Physical satisfaction can be gained from stimulation or masturbating, stroking or kissing. No harm will occur if both partners find this emotionally and physically acceptable.

COMFORTABLE POSITIONS FOR SEXUAL INTERCOURSE

Old positions may not work for you if you have pain. Here are some suggestions to try.

•   Be honest and open with each other about your feelings.

•   Remember your sense of humour, experiment and take it slowly. You will find out what works for you both.

•   Lying-on-the-side positions are very good for the woman, and can be very comfortable for the man.

•   The woman may find it more comfortable to have both legs over the man’s top leg.

•   It is often best for the person in pain to let their partner take the dominant position on top and do the moving.

There are pictures of helpful positions for sex in the Appendix on page 297.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

•   Chronic pain affects relationships and it’s important to talk through these effects on those people who are close to you.

•   Pain may have caused many losses in your life. This can have many effects on your moods and on those who are close to you.

•   It’s possible to change some of these problems in relationships. Knowing how to talk things through can help you make changes to adapt or cope better. It can be helpful to focus on successes, achievements and enjoyable times, rather than on the pain itself.

•   Sexual problems can be eased by experimenting, by pacing sexual activity, by challenging unhelpful thoughts and feelings, and by finding comfortable positions for sexual intercourse.

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