Chapter nineteen

THAT EVENING, SITTING with Ken Turner and her parents in the parlor, Kate was especially uneasy. Ken's polite but possessive manner was becoming more difficult to bear, and his subtle but persistent caresses harder to avoid. The longer she spent trying to act as if nothing were wrong, the more certain she became that she needed to make a decision. Something must be done, but she couldn't help but feel that there was some vital point she did not understand. When she could bear the social pleasantries and forced cheeriness no longer, she pleaded a headache and escaped to the quiet of her room.

Now she stared into the darkness, struggling to understand her feelings. Not being able to see Jessie these past weeks had been an agony in itself, but to finally see her with Ken Turner by her side had been even worse. She had not been able to tell Jessie how much she had missed her. The pain in Jessie's eyes that afternoon haunted her. When Jessie had ridden away, Kate feared that her heart might break. She needed help, and she knew of only one place to go.

 

Kate hesitated outside Mae's door, her confidence suddenly waning. When she had awakened early after a restless night, it had seemed so clear to her. Now that she was there, she wasn't so certain anymore. Finally she forced herself to knock.

"Kate!" Mae said with surprise when she answered the tap on her door. The sun had barely risen, and since she kept late hours, she had barely been to bed. She tied her robe and gestured Kate into her room. "What is it?"

"Can I talk with you, Mae?" Kate asked, standing awkwardly just inside the door. She had never been in Mae's bedroom before, and the sudden intimacy of the moment embarrassed her.

"Of course," Mae replied, gesturing to two chairs on either side of a small dressing table. "Sit down."

Kate sat quickly, afraid that she might suddenly lose her resolve and run. Mae's sharp eyes took in the tremor in Kate's hands and the uneasiness in her expression. She pulled a chair close.

"What is it, Kate?" she asked softly.

Tears brimmed behind Kate's lashes. "Mae, Ken Turner intends to speak to my father about marriage."

Mae looked at her intently, not particularly surprised. There wasn't much going on around town that she didn't eventually hear about. She had hoped that the rumors about Turner and Kate were true and that there was a match in the making. But looking at Kate now, she began to doubt it. "You don't look too happy about it, Kate. I always thought that's what a girl like you would want. I should think he'll make a good catch, well-respected and responsible and all that."

Bitterly Kate said, "Oh, you're quite right. He is a fine man, and I have nothing against him. But--" Her voice trailed off, and she struggled for the words.

"But what, honey?" Mae said gently.

"I don't love him!"

Mae laughed, although there was an edge to it. "Do you think you'll be the first woman to make a good match with a man she doesn't love? If he provides for you and doesn't mistreat you or disgrace you, you may find after a while you'll love him. The heart does funny things, sometimes. And if not, you'll be no different than a lot of women and better off than many."

"I don't want to spend my life with someone I don't love," Kate insisted.

Mae eyed her sharply. "Love doesn't put a roof over your head, Kate, or feed you, or earn you respect from your neighbors. I know."

"I won't marry him just for that," Kate said with finality.

"Then wait for a fellow more to your choosing," Mae acquiesced, having heard that stubborn tone in Kate's voice before. "You're young yet."

Kate looked at Mae and said in a low voice, "What if --- what if there's someone else?"

Mae had been expecting something like this, but the girl's honesty surprised her.

"Is there someone else, Kate?"

Kate nodded slowly, relief softening her tense features. "Yes."

"Who is it?" Mae asked, needing to hear the words. Maybe she was wrong. Because if she wasn't, she didn't know quite what she would say.

"Jessie."

Mae sighed, closing her eyes briefly. When she opened them, Kate was staring at her intently. "Jessie is it?"

"Yes," Kate answered, her voice filled with sudden wonder. "Yes. Yes, Mae! I love Jessie." After so many weeks of not seeing, of being so close but not knowing, saying the words made everything clear.

"I've been wondering if you'd ever figure that out," Mae said quietly.

Kate drew a surprised breath and looked at Mae questioningly. "You knew?"

Mae laughed darkly. "I was pretty sure, but I was hoping you wouldn't keep on. That you'd marry your Mr. Turner and settle down the way you should."

"But why, Mae?" Kate asked, hearing Mae's opposition but still not comprehending it. How could it be bad when what she felt for Jessie seemed so right?

Kate's obvious naiveté finally ignited Mae's anger. She got quickly to her feet, seething. "Why? Because of Jessie, for Lord's sake! You say that you love her. She'll love you, too, you know. Probably already does. Do you have any idea what that's going to do to her?"

Kate stared at her. "Mae - I-"

Mae continued as if she hadn't heard. "Jessie's been waiting her whole life for this and she doesn't even know it. You'll let her believe, Kate, and then you'll leave her, sooner or later. That will destroy her."

"No!" Kate cried passionately. "I won't hurt her! I couldn't hurt her. Believe me, Mae, I won't change!"

Mae looked at her silently, uncertain whether to go on. But Kate had come to her, and there might not be another time. "Kate, you're young. When you're young, blood runs high. I believe you've got feelings for her. I do." She took a breath, then finished, "But think what you're saying. If you let Jessie love you, how long do you think it will be before Jessie wants to love you like -- like --- a man loves a woman?"

Kate felt her face redden, but she would not avert her gaze. She thought about the way her heart raced when Jessie was near, and the way her breath tripped when she looked into Jessie's eyes, and the way she trembled at the barest touch of Jessie's hand. She envisioned Jessie, sweat-dampened and dusty and so incredibly beautiful, and she was suddenly warm all over. She knew what she felt. She studied Mae calmly, her face composed. "And you, Mae. Could you love her like that?"

Mae's expression was proud, but her eyes were sad. "I would now, if she'd let me."

Kate nodded slowly, and rose. She touched Mae's arm lightly as she left. "Thank you, Mae."

Mae looked after her, admiring her grit, and praying that she'd come to her senses before it was too late.