Conclusion

1660-1688: The Restoration Era

With the puritans out of power the English and the Scots were allowed to have fun again (although not the Irish) and bawdy plays called "Restoration Comedy" were put on in which vicars walked in on men at the moment their trousers fell down and thin homosexuals with large nostrils were lusted after by overweight nursemaids. In this atmosphere of crude merriment people failed to notice that the new King was a bit of a chip off the old block and rather fond of personal rule over working with his Parliament; maybe everyone was too busy staring at his fine legs in their white tights, awesome curly periwig and sexy Color Me Badd-style moustache. England's Parliament, however, frequently got pissed-off with the King for his autocratic ways and there was one Cromwellian plot against him and his brother James which was foiled when the vicar walked-in as the plotters trousers fell down. One of the plotters turned out to be Charles' illegitimate son Wee Jimmy , the Duke of Monmouth who he exiled to the Netherlands. "He really was a bastard!" said Charles, laughing at his own joke.

It was under Charles II that the first political parties were unofficially formed in England. Those who had fought for the Parliamentary cause in what was now known as "the war we don't mention in front of the King or his secret service gentlemen" formed a parliamentary "club" called the Whigs, dedicated to controlling the powers of the Monarchy and increasing the influence of Parliament. On the other side of the house, we had the Tories who thought Kings having all the power was part of the Natural and Godly Order of Things and it wasn't for mere Whiggish mortals to go changing a system which had worked "perfectly well" since the Roman Empire had fallen to bits. Although King Charles and his Crown held actual power, there was considerable debate, spitting and fist-fighting for bragging-rights and influence amongst these two factions in his Parliament.

Charles managed to reign for 25 years, fathering hundreds more illegitimate children and catching hundreds of interesting and exotic diseases from their various mothers. He also oversaw a war against the Dutch which he used to force them to be nicer to his Dutch nephew, one William of Orange who had married his niece Mary. "Truly this forges a bond between the houses of Orange and Stuart" said the King, "There is clearly no way that, for example, you would ever come to England and overthrow my line." "The very idea!" said the young Prince of Orange.

Just before Charles died in 1685 he converted to Catholicism using a handy priest he had kept in a drawer in Whitehall Palace and having spent all his time in power pretending to be an Anglican, not that anyone would do that now of course.

Power passed to his brother James II, also a friend of the Pope but, unlike Charles, out-and-proud rather than closeted. Whilst Charles had always been rather popular with his people James went back to the family tradition of being a bit of a dick and had lots of people hung, decapitated, imprisoned and basically didn't try to win many friends. Very soon there was a rebellion against him lead by our old friend the Duke of Monmouth who escaped from the Netherlands (not difficult really) and landed in England and raised an army using his "instant army mix (Protestant flavour)" and some milk. Monmouth was determined to stop all this nonsense, overthrow his uncle and become King himself. He was defeated by the Royalist armies, though, who promptly cut his head off. Then they realised he was a Duke but didn't have a portrait so they dug him up and stitched his head on and made him sit for the painter. I'm not making this shit up. The rebellion unsettled James who started nervously glancing at portraits of his father and instinctively touching his neck, and he decided that the best way to ensure the continuation of his reign was to try more people for treason and have them hung by his good friend and notorious psychopath Judge Jeffreys or deported to colonies where their radical ideas definitely wouldn't take any sort of hold, oh no.

By 1688 much of the English establishment had become tired of James' autocracy and fondness for filling the Tower of London or cutting people’s heads off and a conspiracy was formed which invited James's son-in-law, William of Orange, to pay a visit to England and perhaps bring thousands of heavily-armed Dutch troops with him. William duly landed and James, remembering soldiers marching towards Whitehall Palace meant trouble, did a runner. Parliament, declaring the throne was now "vacant" offered the crown to Willy. "Can you do that?" said William "I mean surely monarchy is all about a legitimate line". "Just take the bloody crown, sire!" said Parliament crossly, so he did. Regime change achieved the new government started arresting all rebel scum and throwing them in the tower. "Oh, we remember this", some of the older ones said, "It's dancing and cake isn't it?". "No!" said the new guards. "It's bread and water and having the scrub the new king's chamberpot". "Bollocks!" said the prisoners. Judge Jeffreys tried to flee disguised as a sailor but a London mob saw through his rubbish "white bell-bottoms and a pipe like Popeye" disguise and tried to lynch him. He, rather foolishly in retrospect, decided to hide in the Tower of London where the new government was more than happy for him to stay.

James was furious at being overthrow by William (no Christmas cards for him that year!), and many in his three Kingdoms felt the same way. Although many Royalists were won-over by Parliament explaining that this was not the return of Cromwellian-style politics nor Stuart-style absolutism but instead "New Monarchy" others felt that the new order was basically Parliamentary rule with a royal façade and became "Jacobites" plotting the return of the Stuart Kings and aching to be "proper" subjects again.