- •I type a full stop, take a sip of coffee, and turn to the second page of the press release.
- •Extract 2
- •Extract 3
- •I should say something. I should say, “Janice, I don’t fancy Tom. He’s too tall and his breath smells.” But how on earth can I say that?
- •Extract 4
- •I’m absolutely stunned. I’ve never seen anything like this at a press conference. Never!
- •I head toward the back to get another cup of coffee, and find Elly standing by the coffee table. Excellent. I haven’t seen Elly for ages.
- •I’m sorry, but I can’t go and sit back down there. I have to hear about this.
- •Extract 5
- •I stare at him blankly.
- •I have never before worked so hard on an article. Never.
- •I can’t do this. I can’t speak to Luke Brandon. My questions are jotted down on a piece of paper in front of me, but as I stare at them, I’m not reading them.
- •I’ll show Alicia, I think fiercely. I’ll show them all, Luke Brandon included. Show them that I, Rebecca Bloomwood, am not a joke.
- •Extract 6
- •Extract 7
- •It’s basically my idea of heaven.
- •I close my eyes and, after a few seconds, feel a cool, creamy liquid being massaged into my face. It’s the most delicious sensation in the world. I could sit here all day.
- •I almost want to laugh at the incongruity of it. What’s she doing here? What’s Alicia Bitch Long-legs doing here, for God’s sake?
- •Is that me? Oh God, I don’t want to be a leading industry expert. I want to go home and watch reruns of The Simpsons.
- •I look around for support and see Rory gazing blankly at me.
- •I watch in a daze as he picks his way across the cable strewn floor toward the exit, half wishing he would look back.
- •Extract 8
- •Extract 2
- •Extract 3
- •Extract 4
- •Extract 5
- •I’ll just have a really quick look.
- •I mean, what is wrong with these people? Are they complete philistines?
- •Extract 6
- •It’s only as we're approaching a department entitled ‘Gift Wrapping’ that I realize what’s going on. When I said ‘gift’, she must have thought I meant it was an actual–
- •I take the card from her, and as I read, my skin starts to prickle with excitement.
- •Extract 7
- •I stare at him, agog.
- •I can’t tell him I’ve actually got three. And two on hold at Barneys.
- •Extract 2
- •I wish bridesmaids got to say something. It wouldn’t have to be anything very much. Just a quick ‘Yes’ or ‘I do’.
- •I’ve always been a teeny bit awkward around Tarquin. But now I see him with Suze – married to Suze – the awkwardness seems to melt away.
- •Extract 3
- •I glance into the mirror, feeling quite grown-up and proud of myself. For once in my life I’m not rushing. I’m not getting overexcited.
- •I remember that cake. The icing was lurid green and the lawnmower was made out of a painted matchbox. You could still see ‘Swan’ through the green.
- •I have never worn anything less flattering in my life.
- •Extract 4
- •Extract 5
- •Extract 6
- •Extract 7
- •I’ll be a grown-up, go along to the cake studio and break the news to her face to face.
- •I had no idea wedding cakes could be anything like this. I flip through, slightly dazedly, looking at cake after spectacular cake.
- •I can see Alicia’s brain working hard.
- •I can see Robyn and Antoine exchanging looks, and I’m dying to ask them what they think of Alicia. But... It wouldn’t be becoming in a bride-to-be.
- •If I’m really honest, hand on heart – I feel exactly like someone who’s going to have a huge, luxurious wedding at the Plaza.
- •I put the invitation into my bag and snap the clasp shut, feeling slightly sick.
- •I look at him, my attention finally caught.
- •Extract 8
- •I stare at him in utter stupefaction. What does he think he’s doing?
- •I stare at him in horror.
- •I follow his gaze, and see Danny’s brother Randall walking across the floor towards us.
- •Extract 9
- •I stare at her, momentarily halted.
- •I stare at the page, my heart pounding. It’s a typed sheet, headed terms of agreement. I look straight down to the dotted line at the bottom – and there’s my signature.
- •I haven’t said a word about anything to Luke. In The Realistic Bride it says the way to stop your fiance getting bored with wedding details is to feed them to him on a need-to-know basis.
- •I feel a stab of shock.
- •Extract 10
- •I put the phone down and smile at Robyn, who’s wearing a bright pink suit and a headset and carrying a walkie-talkie.
- •In fact, it’s completely true. I’m beyond nervous. Either everything goes to plan and this all works out. Or it doesn’t and it’s a complete disaster. There’s not much I can do about it.
- •I’ve never seen a wedding dress like it. It’s a work of art.
- •Extract 11
- •I reach out and hug her tightly.
- •I can't move. I can't breathe. I need my fairy godmothers, quick.
- •I don’t believe it. It’s Luke.
- •Extract 12
- •I feel a huge spasm of nerves as I see the familiar sign. We’re nearly there.
- •I’m getting married. I’m really getting married.
- •I freeze in terror, one foot inside the car. What’s happened? Who’s found out? What do they know?
- •I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
- •I feel a spasm of nerves inside. Here it comes. The last bit of my plan. The very last cherry on top of the cake.
- •Extract 2
- •Extract 3
- •Extract 4
- •Extract 5
- •Extract 6
- •Extract 7
- •Extract 8
- •Extract 9
- •Extract 10
- •Extract 11
- •I’m fantastically well-organised, basically. And very self-disciplined. The early bird catches the modeling contracts, after all.
- •Extract 13
- •I am such a deluded moron.
- •Extract 2
- •I draw myself up short with a jolt. “I’m sorry,” I say, and exhale sharply. “You don’t want to hear all this.”
- •Extract 3
- •I bet they do.
- •I was so totally mortified, I never told anyone. Especially not Mum and Dad.
- •Extract 4
- •Extract 5
- •I don’t think so.
- •Extract 6
- •Extract 7
- •I watch in total disbelief as Jack settles comfortably down on the rug. He was supposed to be rescuing me from all this. Not joining in. Slowly I sink down beside him.
- •I stare at her blankly. Since when have Kerry and I ever socialized together?
- •Extract 8
- •I am never visiting a zoo again.
- •Revenge is Sweet (by c. Fremlin)
- •It worked like a dream, exactly as she’d planned.
- •The Way up to Heaven (by r. Dahl)
- •For Services Rendered (by j. Deaver)
- •I can help you and you can help me...
- •I can help you and you can help me...
- •Makeover (by b. Callahan)
- •Interrupting her in mid sob, Monty said, “Hold on there, Steph. Gotta pay our bills. Time for a commercial.”
I draw myself up short with a jolt. “I’m sorry,” I say, and exhale sharply. “You don’t want to hear all this.”
“That’s quite all right,” says the man.
God. I’m completely losing it.
And anyway, what I just said wasn’t true. Because I am in love with Connor. It must be the altitude or something, confusing my mind.
Flustered, I push the hair off my face and try to get a hold of myself. OK, let’s try counting again. Three hundred and fifty… six. Three hundred and–
Oh God. Oh God. No. Please. The plane’s lurching again. We’re plummeting.
“I’ve never done anything to make my parents proud of me.” The words come spilling out of my mouth before I can stop them. “Never.”
“I’m sure that’s not true,” says the man nicely.
“It’s true. Maybe they used to be proud of me. But then my cousin Kerry came to live with us and all at once it was like my parents couldn’t see me any more. All they could see was her.
She was fourteen when she arrived, and I was ten, and I thought it was going to be great, you know. Like having an older sister. But it didn’t work out like that…”
I can’t stop talking. I just can’t stop.
Every time the plane bumps or jolts, another torrent of words pours randomly out of my mouth, like water gushing over a waterfall.
It’s either talk or scream.
“… she was a swimming champion, and an everything champion, and I was just… nothing in comparison…”
“… photography course and I honestly thought it was going to change my life…”
“… eight stone three. But I was planning to go on a diet…”
“I applied for every single job in the world. I was so desperate, I even applied to…”
“… awful girl called Artemis. This new desk arrived the other day, and she just took it, even though I’ve got this really grotty little desk…”
“… sometimes I water her stupid spider plant with orange juice, just to serve her right…”
“… sweet girl Katie, who works in Personnel. We have this secret code where she comes in and says, ‘Can I go through some numbers with you, Emma?’ and it really means ‘Shall we nip out to Starbucks…’”
“… awful presents, and I have to pretend I like them…”
“… coffee at work is the most disgusting stuff you’ve ever drunk, absolute poison…”
“… put ‘Maths GCSE grade A’ on my CV, when I really only got C. I know it was dishonest. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I so wanted to get the job…”
What’s happened to me? Normally there’s a kind of filter which stops me blurting out everything I’m thinking; which keeps me in check.
But the filter’s stopped working. Everything’s piling out in a big, random stream, and I can’t stop it.
“Sometimes I think I believe in God, because how else did we all get here? But then I think, yes but what about war and stuff…”
“… wear G-strings because they don’t give you VPL. But they’re so uncomfortable…”
“… size eight, and I didn’t know what to do, so I just said ‘Wow those are absolutely fantastic…’”
“… roasted peppers, my complete favourite food…”
“… joined a book group, but I just couldn’t get through Great Expectations. So I just skimmed the back and pretended I’d read it…”
“… I gave him all his goldfish food, I honestly don’t know what happened…”
“… just have to hear that Carpenters song ‘Close to You’ and I start crying…”
“…really wish I had bigger boobs. I mean, not Page 3 size, not completely enormous and stupid, but you know, bigger. Just to know what it’s like…”
“… perfect date would start off with champagne just appearing at the table, as if by magic…”
“… I just cracked, I secretly bought this huge tub of Haagen-Dazs and scoffed the lot, and I never told Lissy…”
I’m unaware of anything around us. The world has narrowed to me and this stranger, and my mouth, spewing out all my innermost thoughts and secrets.
I barely know what I’m saying any more. All I know is, it feels good.
Is this what therapy is like?
“… name was Danny Nussbaum. Mum and Dad were downstairs watching Ben Hur, and I remember thinking, if this is what the world gets so excited about, then the world’s mad…”
“… lie on my side, because that way your cleavage looks bigger…”
“… works in market research. I remember thinking the very first time I saw him, wow, he’s good-looking. He’s very tall and blond, because he’s half-Swedish, and he has these amazing blue eyes. So he asked me out…”
“… always have a glass of sweet sherry before a date, just to calm my nerves…”
“He’s wonderful. Connor’s completely wonderful. I’m just so lucky. Everyone’s always telling me how great he is. He’s sweet, and he’s good, and he’s successful and everyone calls us the perfect couple…”
“… I’d never tell anyone this in a million years. But sometimes I think he’s almost too goodlooking. A bit like one of those dolls? Like Ken. Like a blond Ken.”
And now I’m on the subject of Connor, I’m saying things I’ve never said to anyone. Things I never even realized were in my head.
“… gave him this lovely leather watch for Christmas, but he wears this orange digital thing because it can tell him the temperature in Poland or something stupid…”
“… took me to all these jazz concerts and I pretended to enjoy them to be polite, so now he thinks I love jazz…”
“… every single Woody Allen film off by heart and says each line before it comes and it drives me crackers…”
“… just looks at me as though I’m speaking some foreign language…”
“… determined to find my G spot, so we spent the whole weekend doing it in different positions, and by the end I was just knackered, all I wanted was a pizza and Friends …”
“… he kept saying, what was it like, what was it like? So in the end I just made some stuff up, I said it was absolutely amazing, and it felt as though my whole body was opening up like a flower, and he said, what sort of flower, so I said a begonia…”
“… can’t expect the initial passion to last. But how do you tell if the passion’s faded in a good, long-term-commitment way or in a crap, we-don’t-fancy-each-other-any-more way…”
“… knight in shining armour is not a realistic option. But there’s a part of me that wants a huge, amazing romance. I want passion. I want to be swept off my feet. I want an earthquake, or a… I don’t know, a huge whirlwind… something exciting. Sometimes I feel as if there’s this whole new, thrilling life waiting for me out there, and if I can just–”
“Excuse me, miss?”
“What?” I look up dazedly. “What is it?” The air hostess with the French plait is smiling down at me.
“We’ve landed.” I stare at her.
“We’ve landed?”
This doesn’t make sense. How can we have landed? I look around – and sure enough, the plane’s still. We’re on the ground.
I feel like Dorothy. A second ago I was swirling around in Oz, clicking my heels together, and now I’ve woken up all flat and quiet and normal again.
“We aren’t bumping any more,” I say stupidly.
“We stopped bumping quite a while ago,” says the American man.
“We’re… we’re not going to die.”
“We’re not going to die,” he agrees.
I look at him as though for the first time – and it hits me. I’ve been blabbering non-stop for an hour to this complete stranger. God alone knows what I’ve been saying. I think I want to get off this plane right now.
“I’m sorry,” I say awkwardly. “You should have stopped me.”
“That would have been a little difficult.” There’s a tiny smile at his lips. “You were on a bit of a roll.”
“I’m so embarrassed!” I try to smile, but I can’t even look this guy in the eye. I mean, I told him about my knickers. I told him about my G spot.
“Don’t worry about it. We were all stressed out. That was some flight.” He picks up his knapsack and gets up from his seat – then looks back at me. “Will you be OK getting back home?”
“Yes. I’ll be fine. Thanks. Enjoy your visit!” I call after him, but I don’t think he hears.