
- •I type a full stop, take a sip of coffee, and turn to the second page of the press release.
- •Extract 2
- •Extract 3
- •I should say something. I should say, “Janice, I don’t fancy Tom. He’s too tall and his breath smells.” But how on earth can I say that?
- •Extract 4
- •I’m absolutely stunned. I’ve never seen anything like this at a press conference. Never!
- •I head toward the back to get another cup of coffee, and find Elly standing by the coffee table. Excellent. I haven’t seen Elly for ages.
- •I’m sorry, but I can’t go and sit back down there. I have to hear about this.
- •Extract 5
- •I stare at him blankly.
- •I have never before worked so hard on an article. Never.
- •I can’t do this. I can’t speak to Luke Brandon. My questions are jotted down on a piece of paper in front of me, but as I stare at them, I’m not reading them.
- •I’ll show Alicia, I think fiercely. I’ll show them all, Luke Brandon included. Show them that I, Rebecca Bloomwood, am not a joke.
- •Extract 6
- •Extract 7
- •It’s basically my idea of heaven.
- •I close my eyes and, after a few seconds, feel a cool, creamy liquid being massaged into my face. It’s the most delicious sensation in the world. I could sit here all day.
- •I almost want to laugh at the incongruity of it. What’s she doing here? What’s Alicia Bitch Long-legs doing here, for God’s sake?
- •Is that me? Oh God, I don’t want to be a leading industry expert. I want to go home and watch reruns of The Simpsons.
- •I look around for support and see Rory gazing blankly at me.
- •I watch in a daze as he picks his way across the cable strewn floor toward the exit, half wishing he would look back.
- •Extract 8
- •Extract 2
- •Extract 3
- •Extract 4
- •Extract 5
- •I’ll just have a really quick look.
- •I mean, what is wrong with these people? Are they complete philistines?
- •Extract 6
- •It’s only as we're approaching a department entitled ‘Gift Wrapping’ that I realize what’s going on. When I said ‘gift’, she must have thought I meant it was an actual–
- •I take the card from her, and as I read, my skin starts to prickle with excitement.
- •Extract 7
- •I stare at him, agog.
- •I can’t tell him I’ve actually got three. And two on hold at Barneys.
- •Extract 2
- •I wish bridesmaids got to say something. It wouldn’t have to be anything very much. Just a quick ‘Yes’ or ‘I do’.
- •I’ve always been a teeny bit awkward around Tarquin. But now I see him with Suze – married to Suze – the awkwardness seems to melt away.
- •Extract 3
- •I glance into the mirror, feeling quite grown-up and proud of myself. For once in my life I’m not rushing. I’m not getting overexcited.
- •I remember that cake. The icing was lurid green and the lawnmower was made out of a painted matchbox. You could still see ‘Swan’ through the green.
- •I have never worn anything less flattering in my life.
- •Extract 4
- •Extract 5
- •Extract 6
- •Extract 7
- •I’ll be a grown-up, go along to the cake studio and break the news to her face to face.
- •I had no idea wedding cakes could be anything like this. I flip through, slightly dazedly, looking at cake after spectacular cake.
- •I can see Alicia’s brain working hard.
- •I can see Robyn and Antoine exchanging looks, and I’m dying to ask them what they think of Alicia. But... It wouldn’t be becoming in a bride-to-be.
- •If I’m really honest, hand on heart – I feel exactly like someone who’s going to have a huge, luxurious wedding at the Plaza.
- •I put the invitation into my bag and snap the clasp shut, feeling slightly sick.
- •I look at him, my attention finally caught.
- •Extract 8
- •I stare at him in utter stupefaction. What does he think he’s doing?
- •I stare at him in horror.
- •I follow his gaze, and see Danny’s brother Randall walking across the floor towards us.
- •Extract 9
- •I stare at her, momentarily halted.
- •I stare at the page, my heart pounding. It’s a typed sheet, headed terms of agreement. I look straight down to the dotted line at the bottom – and there’s my signature.
- •I haven’t said a word about anything to Luke. In The Realistic Bride it says the way to stop your fiance getting bored with wedding details is to feed them to him on a need-to-know basis.
- •I feel a stab of shock.
- •Extract 10
- •I put the phone down and smile at Robyn, who’s wearing a bright pink suit and a headset and carrying a walkie-talkie.
- •In fact, it’s completely true. I’m beyond nervous. Either everything goes to plan and this all works out. Or it doesn’t and it’s a complete disaster. There’s not much I can do about it.
- •I’ve never seen a wedding dress like it. It’s a work of art.
- •Extract 11
- •I reach out and hug her tightly.
- •I can't move. I can't breathe. I need my fairy godmothers, quick.
- •I don’t believe it. It’s Luke.
- •Extract 12
- •I feel a huge spasm of nerves as I see the familiar sign. We’re nearly there.
- •I’m getting married. I’m really getting married.
- •I freeze in terror, one foot inside the car. What’s happened? Who’s found out? What do they know?
- •I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
- •I feel a spasm of nerves inside. Here it comes. The last bit of my plan. The very last cherry on top of the cake.
- •Extract 2
- •Extract 3
- •Extract 4
- •Extract 5
- •Extract 6
- •Extract 7
- •Extract 8
- •Extract 9
- •Extract 10
- •Extract 11
- •I’m fantastically well-organised, basically. And very self-disciplined. The early bird catches the modeling contracts, after all.
- •Extract 13
- •I am such a deluded moron.
- •Extract 2
- •I draw myself up short with a jolt. “I’m sorry,” I say, and exhale sharply. “You don’t want to hear all this.”
- •Extract 3
- •I bet they do.
- •I was so totally mortified, I never told anyone. Especially not Mum and Dad.
- •Extract 4
- •Extract 5
- •I don’t think so.
- •Extract 6
- •Extract 7
- •I watch in total disbelief as Jack settles comfortably down on the rug. He was supposed to be rescuing me from all this. Not joining in. Slowly I sink down beside him.
- •I stare at her blankly. Since when have Kerry and I ever socialized together?
- •Extract 8
- •I am never visiting a zoo again.
- •Revenge is Sweet (by c. Fremlin)
- •It worked like a dream, exactly as she’d planned.
- •The Way up to Heaven (by r. Dahl)
- •For Services Rendered (by j. Deaver)
- •I can help you and you can help me...
- •I can help you and you can help me...
- •Makeover (by b. Callahan)
- •Interrupting her in mid sob, Monty said, “Hold on there, Steph. Gotta pay our bills. Time for a commercial.”
Extract 3
OK. Now, I may be engaged, but I’m not going to get carried away.
No way.
I know some girls go mad, planning the biggest wedding in the universe and thinking about nothing else... but that’s not going to be me. I’m not going to let this take over my life. I mean, let’s get our priorities right here. The most important thing is not the dress, or the shoes, or what kind of flowers we have, is it? It’s making the promise of lifelong commitment. It’s pledging our troth to one another.
I pause, halfway through putting on my moisturizer, and gaze at my reflection in my old bedroom mirror. ‘I, Becky,’ I murmur solemnly. ‘I, Rebecca. Take thee, Luke.’
Those ancient words just send a shiver up your spine, don’t they?
‘To be thine... mine... husband. For better, for richer...’
I break off with a puzzled frown. That doesn’t sound quite right. Still, I can learn it properly nearer the time. The point is, the vows are what matters, nothing else. We don’t have to go over the top. Just a simple, elegant ceremony. No fuss, no hoopla. I mean, Romeo and Juliet didn’t need a big wedding with sugared almonds and vol au vents, did they?
Maybe we should even get married in secret, like they did! Suddenly I’m gripped by a vision of Luke and me kneeling before an Italian priest in the dead of night, in some tiny stone chapel. God, that would be romantic. And then somehow Luke would think I was dead, and he’d commit suicide, and so would I, and it would be incredibly tragic, and everyone would say we did it for love and the whole world should learn from our example...
‘Karaoke?’ Luke’s voice outside the bedroom door brings me back to reality. ‘Well, it’s certainly a possibility...’
The door opens and he holds out a cup of coffee to me. He and I have been staying here at my parents’ house since Suze’s wedding, and when I left the breakfast table he was refereeing my parents as they argued over whether or not the moon landings actually happened.
‘Your mother’s already found a possible date for the wedding,’ he says. ‘What do you think about the–’
‘Luke!’ I put up a hand to stop him. ‘Luke. Let’s just take this one step at a time, shall we?’ I give him a kind smile. ‘I mean, we’ve only just got engaged. Let’s just get our heads round that first. There’s no need to dash into setting dates.’
I glance into the mirror, feeling quite grown-up and proud of myself. For once in my life I’m not rushing. I’m not getting overexcited.
‘You’re right,’ says Luke after a pause. ‘No, you are right. And the date your mother suggested would be a terrible hurry.’
‘Really?’ I take a thoughtful sip of coffee. ‘So... just out of interest... when was it?’
‘June 22nd. This year.’ He shakes his head. ‘Crazy, really. It’s only a few months away.’
‘Madness!’ I say, rolling my eyes. ‘I mean, there’s no hurry, is there?’
June 22nd. Honestly! What is Mum like?
Although... I suppose a summer wedding would be nice in theory.
There’s nothing actually stopping us getting married this year.
And if we did make it June, I could start looking at wedding dresses straight away. I could start trying on tiaras. I could start reading Brides! Yes!
‘On the other hand,’ I add casually, ‘there’s no real reason to delay, is there? I mean, now we’ve decided, in one sense, we might as well just... do it. Why hang around?’
‘Are you sure? Becky, I don’t want you to feel pressured–’
‘It’s OK. I’m quite sure. Let’s get married in June!’
We’re getting married! Soon! Hooray! I catch sight of myself in the mirror again – and a huge, exhilarated beam has spread itself over my face.
‘So I’ll tell my mother the 22nd.’ Luke interrupts my thoughts. ‘I know she’ll be delighted.’ He glances at his watch. ‘In fact, I must get going.’
‘Oh yes,’ I say, trying to muster some enthusiasm. ‘Yes, you don’t want to be late for her, do you?’
Luke’s spending the day with his mother Elinor, who is over in London on her way to Switzerland. The official version is that she’s going there to stay with some old friends and ‘enjoy the mountain air’. Of course everyone knows she’s really going to have her face lifted for the zillionth time.
Then this afternoon, Mum, Dad and I are going up to meet them for tea at Claridges. Everyone has been exclaiming about what a lucky coincidence it is that Elinor’s over here, so the two families will be able to meet. But every time I think about it, my stomach turns over. I wouldn’t mind if it was Luke’s real parents – his dad and stepmum, who are really lovely and live in Devon. But they’ve just gone out to Australia, where Luke’s half-sister has moved, and they probably won’t be back until just before the wedding. So all we’re left with to represent Luke is Elinor.
Elinor Sherman. My future mother-in-law.
OK... let’s not think about that. Let’s just get through today.
‘Luke...’ I pause, trying to find the right words. ‘How do you think it’ll be? Our parents meeting for the first time? You know – your mother... and my mother... I mean, they’re not exactly similar, are they?’
‘It’ll be fine! They’ll get on wonderfully, I’m sure.’
He honestly hasn’t a clue what I’m talking about.
I know it’s a good thing that Luke adores his mother. I know sons should love their mothers. And I know he hardly ever saw her when he was tiny, and he’s trying to make up for lost time... but still. How can he be so devoted to Elinor?
As I arrive downstairs in the kitchen, Mum’s tidying up the breakfast things with one hand and holding the portable phone in the other.
‘Yes,’ she’s saying. ‘That’s right. Bloomwood, B-l-o-o-m-w-o-o-d. Of Oxshott, Surrey, And you’ll fax that over? Thank you. Good.’ She puts away the phone and beams at me. ‘That’s the announcement gone in the Surrey Post.’
‘Another announcement? Mum, how many have you done?’
‘Just the standard number!’ she says defensively. ‘The Times, the Telegraph, the Oxshott Herald and the Esher Gazette.’
‘And the Surrey Post.’
‘Yes. So only... five.’
‘Five!’
‘Becky, you only get married once!’ says Mum.
‘I know. But honestly...’
‘Now, listen.’ Mum is rather pink in the face. ‘You’re our only daughter, Becky, and we’re not going to spare any expense. We want you to have the wedding of your dreams. Whether it’s the announcements, or the flowers or a horse and carriage like Suzie had... we want you to have it.’
‘Mum, I wanted to talk to you about that,’ I say awkwardly. ‘Luke and I will contribute to the cost–’
‘Nonsense!’ says Mum briskly. ‘We wouldn’t hear of it.’
‘But–’
‘We’ve always hoped we'd be paying for a wedding one day. We’ve been putting money aside especially, for a few years now.’
‘Really?’ I stare at her, feeling a sudden swell of emotion. Mum and Dad have been saving all this time, and they never said a word. ‘I... I had no idea.’
‘Yes, well. We weren’t going to tell you, were we? Now!’ Mum snaps back into businesslike mode. ‘Did Luke tell you we’ve found a date? You know, it wasn’t easy! Everywhere’s booked up. But I’ve spoken to Peter at the church, he’s had a cancellation, and he can fit us in at three on that Saturday. Otherwise it would be a question of waiting until November.’
‘November?’ I pull a face. ‘That’s not very weddingy.’
‘Exactly. So I told him to pencil it in. I’ve put it on the calendar, look.’
I reach for the fridge calendar, which has a different recipe using Nescafe for each month. And sure enough, as I flip over to June, there’s a big felt-tipped ‘BECKY’S WEDDING’.
I stare at it, feeling slightly weird. It really is happening. I really am going to get married. It’s not just pretend.
‘And I’ve been having a few ideas about the marquee,’ adds Mum. ‘I saw a beautiful striped one in a magazine somewhere, and I thought, “I must show that to Becky” ’.
She reaches behind her and hauls out a stack of glossy magazines. Brides. Modern Bride. Wedding and Home. All shiny and succulent and inviting, like a plate of sticky doughnuts.
‘Gosh!’ I say, forcing myself not to reach greedily for one. ‘I haven’t read any of those bridal things yet. I don’t even know what they’re like!’
‘Neither have I,’ says Mum at once, as she flicks expertly through an issue of Wedding and Home. ‘Not properly. I’ve just glanced through for the odd idea. I mean, they’re really just adverts mainly...’
I hesitate, my fingers running over the cover of You and Your Wedding. I can hardly believe I’m actually allowed to read these now. Openly! I don’t have to sidle up to the rack and take tiny, guilty peeks, like stuffing a biscuit into my mouth and all the time wondering if someone will see me.
The habit’s so ingrained I almost can’t break it. Even though I’ve got an engagement ring on my finger now, I find myself pretending I’m not interested.
‘I suppose it makes sense to have a very brief look,’ I say casually. ‘You know, just for basic information... just to be aware what’s available...’
Oh sod it. Mum’s not even listening, anyway, so I might as well give up pretending I’m not going to read every single one of these magazines avidly from cover to cover. Happily I sink into a chair and reach for Brides, and for the next ten minutes we’re both completely silent, gorging on pictures.
‘There!’ says Mum suddenly. She turns her magazine round so I can see a photograph of a billowing white and silver striped marquee. ‘Isn’t that nice?’
‘Very pretty.’ I run my gaze down interestedly to the picture of the bridesmaids’ dresses, and the bride’s bouquet... and then my eye comes to rest on the dateline.
‘Mum!’ I exclaim. ‘This is from last year! How come you were looking at wedding magazines last year!’
‘I’ve no idea!’ says Mum shiftily. ‘I must have... picked it up in a doctor’s waiting room or something. Anyway. Are you getting any ideas?’
‘Well... I don’t know,’ I say vaguely. ‘I suppose I just want something simple.’
A vision of myself in a big white dress and sparkly tiara suddenly pops into my head... my handsome prince waiting for me... cheering crowds...
OK, stop. I’m not going to go over the top. I’ve already decided that.
‘I agree,’ Mum is saying. ‘You want something elegant and tasteful. Oh look, grapes covered with gold leaf. We could do that!’ She turns a page. ‘Look, identical twin bridesmaids! Don’t they look pretty? Do you know anyone with twins, love?’
‘No,’ I say regretfully. ‘I don’t think so. Ooh, you can buy a special wedding countdown alarm clock! And a wedding organizer with matching bridal diary for those special memories. Do you think I should get one of those?’
‘Definitely,’ says Mum. ‘If you don’t, you’ll only wish you had.’ She puts down her magazine. ‘You know, Becky, one thing I will say to you is, don’t do this by half-measures. Remember, you only do it once–’
‘Hellooo?’ We both look up as there’s a tap on the back door. ‘It’s only me!’ Janice’s bright eyes look through the glass, and she gives a little wave. Janice is our next-door neighbour and I’ve known her for ever. She’s wearing a floral shirtwaister in a virulent shade of turquoise, and eyeshadow to match, and there’s a folder under her arm.
‘Janice!’ cries Mum. ‘Come on in and have a coffee.’
‘I’d love one,’ says Janice. ‘I’ve brought my Canderel.’ She comes in and gives me a hug. ‘And here’s the special girl! Becky love, congratulations!’
‘Thanks,’ I say, with a bashful grin.
‘Just look at that ring!’
‘Two carats,’ says Mum at once. ‘Antique. It’s a family heirloom.’
‘A family heirloom!’ echoes Janice breathlessly. ‘Oh Becky!’ She picks up a copy of Modern Bride and gives a wistful little sigh. ‘But how are you going to organize the wedding, living in New York?’
‘Becky doesn’t have to worry about a thing,’ says Mum firmly. ‘I can do it all. It’s traditional, anyway.’
‘Well, you know where I am if you want any help,’ says Janice. ‘Have you set a date yet?’
‘June 22nd,’ says Mum over the shriek of the coffee grinder. ‘Three o’clock at St Mary’s.’
‘Three o’clock!’ says Janice. ‘Lovely.’ She puts down the magazine and gives me a suddenly earnest look. ‘Now Becky, there’s something I want to say. To both of you.’
‘Oh yes?’ I say, slightly apprehensively, and Mum puts down the cafetiere. Janice takes a deep breath.
‘It would give me great pleasure to do your wedding make-up. You and the whole bridal party.’
‘Janice!’ exclaims my mother in delight. ‘What a kind thought! Think of that, Becky. Professional make-up!’
‘Er... fantastic!’
‘I’ve learned such a lot on my course, all the tricks of the trade. I’ve got a whole book full of photographs you can browse through, to choose your style. In fact I’ve brought it with me, look!’ Janice opens the folder and begins to flip over laminated cards of women who look as though they had their make-up applied during the Seventies. ‘This look is called Prom Princess, for the younger face,’ she says breathlessly. ‘Now, here we have Radiant Spring Bride, with extra-waterproof mascara... Or Cleopatra, if you wanted something more dramatic?’
‘Great!’ I say feebly. ‘Perhaps I’ll have a look nearer the time...’
There is no way in a million years I’m letting Janice near my face.
‘And you’ll be getting Wendy to do the cake, will you?’ asks Janice as Mum puts a cup of coffee in front of her.
‘Oh, no question,’ says Mum. ‘Wendy Prince, who lives on Maybury Avenue,’ she adds to me. ‘You remember, she did Dad’s retirement cake with the lawnmower on it? The things that woman can do with a nozzle!’