Jokes and Funny Dialogues

The Perfect Son

A:I have the perfect son.

B:Does he smoke?

A:No, he doesn't.

B:Does he drink whiskey?

A:No, he doesn't.

B:Does he ever come home late?

A:No, he doesn't.

B:I guess you really do have the perfect

son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Mice family

A family of mice was surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bowwow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

Wooden leg

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

It hurts

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."

The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoul-

der, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."

The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

The spoon

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

Attention

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.

Doctor: Next please!

Ten dollars

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I did- n't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Boy or girl

A:Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

B:It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A:Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

The first day

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"

Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

I don't know!

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?" Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

Attaining wisdom

Once someone asked Hodja, "How can one attain wisdom?" Hodja replied, "Always listen attentively to what the wise and learned men tell you. And when you are speaking to others, listen carefully to what you are saying!"

Egyptian flu

Did you hear about the pharaoh who had Egyptian flu?

He caught it from his mummy'!

A cup of coffee

Bobby -Pa, does a cup of coffee do any harm?

Pa - No, Bobby.

Bobby -That's lucky! I've just spilled one over your new suit.

Policeman

What do you get if you dial 666?

A policeman standing on his hands!

French

Smith-Did you have much trouble with your French when you went to Paris?

Adams -No, But the Parisians did!

Twins

Dan -My girlfriend's one of twins. Dave -How can you tell them apart? Dan -Her brother's got a beard!

New house

Where does a king go to buy a new house? Newcastle!

First day at school

Uncle -How did you like your first day at school, David?

David -Oh, it wasn't bad, but there was a big man in front who kept spoiling all the fun.

Thief

Policeman -This man is charged with stealing an elephant, sir.

Judge -Search him!

Glasses

Joe -Do your glasses magnify, Mum? Mum -Yes, Joe.

Joe -Well, please take them off when you cut me my piece of tart.

A bargain

The Hodja always wanted to learn something new, and one day he had a sudden inspiration to learn how to play the lute. He approached a music teacher and asked him, "How much do you charge for private lute lessons?" "Three silver pieces for the first month; after that one silver piece a month." "Oh, great!" exclaimed Hodja. "Then I'll start with the second month."

Seasons

Teacher -How many seasons are there in the year?

Sandy -Two, sir: football and basketball.

Twenty times

McDonald -I know a man who shaves more than twenty times a day.

McDougall -Who? McDonald -A barber.

Flies

Why were the flies playing football on the saucer?

Because they were playing for the cup!

Get your coat on

What did the big tooth say to the small tooth? ''Get your coat on, the dentist is taking us out!''

He forgot

Sister -How did Mum find out you hadn't washed yourself?

Brother -I forgot to wet the soap!

Taxi

A:Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.

B:Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Grave

A:Why are you crying?

B:The elephant is dead.

A:Was he your pet?

B:No, but I'm the one who must dig his

grave.

Short talk

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

Punishment

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"

TEACHER: "Of course not."

PUPIL:"Good, because I haven't done my homework."

Fifty five

A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How?

Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. Teacher: What are you waiting for? Student: I don't know which side to write

the other 5!

May I!

Little Johnny:Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher:Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!

Idiot

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad:An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

End of the world

Man:I could go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Let's share

Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let's start from your bank

account.

A hundred dollar bill

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

Thump in the soup

Customer:Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.

Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

Cheap apartment

The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."

The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"

The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."

Funnier

"You look very funny wearing that belt." "I would look even funnier if I didn't wear

it."

Which part

"I was born in California." "Which part?"

"All of me."

Decisions

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?

Student: Well...yes and no.

Simple present

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.

The student: I walk. You walk....

The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.

The student: I run. You run...

The dishes

Father: What did you do today to help your mother?

Son: I dried the dishes

Daughter:And I helped pick up the pieces.

Breakfast

A:Look at your face I know what you have for breakfast

B: What was it?

A:Eggs.

B:No, that was yesterday.

Race

A:Why are all those people running?

B:They are running a race to get a cup.

A:Who will get the cup?

B:The person who wins.

A:Then why are all the others running?

Vampire

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.

Doctor: Drink this glass of water. Patient: Will it make me better?

Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

The blood

A:When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?

B:It's because your feet aren't empty.

Homework

Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?

Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Questions

One day a neighbor inquired of Hodja, "Why do you always answer a question with another question?" He replied, "Do I?"

Sugar

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?

Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

Werewolf

I used to be a werewolf...

But I'm much better noooooooooooow !

Stop

"Spell STOP three times." "STOP, STOP, STOP "

"What do you do when you come to a green light?"

(Answer is invariably-) "Stop!" "What, at a GREEN light?"

Frog

In a restaurant:

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!

Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

Pretty ugly

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?

Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

Pies

I went into a bakery, I said: 'How much for these two pies?'

The girl behind the counter said: '90 pence.'

I said: How much is it for one?' She said: '60 pence.'

I said: 'I'll have the other one.'

Farmer

'I bet you don't know how many sheep there are in this field?' said the English farmer to the Irish visitor.

The Irishman glanced around the field and then replied: 'Three hundred and eighty-six.' The farmer was astonished. 'That's incredible! You're perfectly right. How did you man-

age it?'

'Oh, it was quite simple,' said the Irishman. 'I just counted the number of legs and divided by four.'

Bath

'Are you going to take a bath?'

'No - I'm going to leave it where it is:'

Mother kangaroo

The mother kangaroo suddenly leapt into the air and gave a cry of pain and anguish.

'Sidney!' she screamed. 'How many more times do I have to tell you that you cannot smoke in bed!'

Camel

A camel decided to educate his who he thought was getting a little inquisitive.

'Why do we have two humps?' asked the son. 'That's so that we can go for days and weeks without water. We can store it in the humps.'

'Why do we have very long eye lashes?' 'That,' he was told, 'is to protect the eyes from the sand in a sand storm.'

'And why do we have bulbous looking feet?' 'That is so that we can travel twice as fast through the desert.'

'Dad,' asked the young camel, 'what the hell are we doing in this zoo?'

Shape of the earth

'What's the shape of the earth?' the teacher asked Willie.

'Round.'

'How do you know it's round?'

'All right, it's square. I don't want to start an argument.'

Bright class

Visitor: 'You must have an unusually bright class. Whenever you asked a ques- tion-no matter how difficult-every student raised his hand.'

Teacher: 'They're just average students. Confidentially, the explanation for their hand-raising is that whenever we have a visitor, all students raise the right hand; those who don't know the answer raise the left hand.'

Desert island

'Suppose you found yourself on a desert island, Bob,' said the teacher,' and could have only one book. Which book would you prefer?'

'After thinking a moment, Bob replied, 'Boat Building for Amateurs.'

New bicycle

Little Johnny, exhibiting his skill in riding a new bicycle, came down the street in front of his house. 'Look, Mum,' he cried, folding his arms, 'no hands!'

Again he came into view, this time coasting with his feet off the pedals. 'Look, Mum,' he shouted, 'no feet!'

Half an hour passed, and Johnny again put in his appearance. This time, somewhat subdued (softened) he gurgled, 'Look, Mum no front tooth.'

Ten men in a boat

Teacher to class: 'There were ten men in a boat and it tipped over; nine men got their hair wet, but the other man didn't get his hair wet. Can one of you tell me why?'

Class clown: 'Because the other man was bald.'

Who is this speaking?

Voice over telephone: 'Tommy Hagan won't be in school today.'

Teacher: 'Who is this speaking, please?' Voice: 'This is my father speaking.'

Resolution

Tim: 'What's your New Year's resolution?' Frank: 'To be much less conceited.'

Tim: 'Will that be difficult to maintain for a year?'

Frank: 'Not for someone as clever and intelligent as me.'

Fishing

Young Harold was late for Sunday school, and the minister asked the cause. 'I was going fishing, but Father wouldn't let me,' announced the lad.

'That's the right kind of father to have, 'replied the reverend gentleman. 'Did he explain the reason he would not let you go?' 'Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough

for two.'

Return ticket

Customer: 'A return ticket, please.' Airline reservation clerk: 'Where to, sir?' Customer: 'Back here, please.'

Landlady

When I lived in lodgings my landlady kept some animals in the yard at the back of the house.

The first day I was there, one of the chickens died, so we had chicken soup.

The next day, the pig died, so I was offered pork chops.

The following day, the duck died, so we had roast duck with apple sauce.

The next day my landlady's husband died - so I left.

Two fleas

The two fleas were just leaving the theatre when the male flea turned to the female flea and said: 'Shall we walk, or take a dog?'

Honeymoon

On the first morning after the young husband arose, went to the kitchen and took breakfast up to his bride. 'There,' he said. 'What do you think of that?'

She gazed at the tea, the bacon and eggs, the toast and marmalade, all nicely set out on the tray, and said: 'Why, that's wonderful.'

'Yes,' he replied, 'and that's how I want it every morning.'

Grandfather

Clive: 'Tony, is it true you married Cynthia for the money her grandfather left her?'

Tony: 'Of course not! I would still have married her if someone else had left her the money.'

Fortune

The young man asked the beautiful young girl to marry him, pointing out that his father was 103 years old and that he was heir to his father's substantial fortune.

The girl asked the young man for time to consider his offer. Two weeks later, she became his step-mother.

Hell

Fred: 'My wife converted me to religion.' Bill: 'Your wife converted you to religion?

How did she do that?'

Fred: 'Because I didn't believe in Hell until I married her!'

The old inmate

The old inmate greeted his new cell partner with the question 'How long you in for?' 'Twenty-five years,' the new prisoner

replied.

'Then you take the bed nearest the door,' said the old timer. 'You will be getting out first.'

Three turtles

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, "oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

Unbelievable

An inebriate was watching an old and ugly woman enter a revolving door. As the door swung around, a pretty girl stepped out. 'Unbelievable,' he muttered.

Fool thing

A philosopher defined the difference between life and love: 'Life is just one fool thing after another; love is just two fool things after each other.'

Traffic

A man stood on the street corner waiting to cross while the traffic streamed by, swift and continuous. After a long wait, the man became impatient, but he dared not risk going out into the traffic. He spied another pedestrian on the other side of the street and called to him, 'Hey, I say, how did you get over there?'

The other man cupped his hands about his mouth and shouted, 'I was born here.'

Playground

Religious knowledge teacher: 'Now, Timothy, where do naughty boys and girls go?'

Timothy: 'Behind the bicycle shed in the playground.'

A good little boy

Mother: 'Where did you get that black eye, Jimmy? Didn't I tell you that good little boys never fight?'

Jimmy: 'Yes, mother, and believed you. I thought he was a good little boy and I hit him, and then I found out he wasn't.'

Supermarket

The little girl had been taken to the supermarket by her mother but somehow managed to get lost near the tinned food section.

'Excuse me,' asked the little girl of another customer. 'Have you seen a mother walking along pushing a shopping trolley without a girl like me?'

Don't mention it

A little girl was going to a party and her mother told her to be a good girl and to remember, when she was leaving, to thank her hostess.

When she arrived home, the mother asked her if she thanked her hostess and the little girl replied: 'No, the girl in front of me did and the lady said "Don't mention it" - so I didn't.'

Money, money

Ronald: 'All my wife says to me is 'Money, money.' She is always asking me for money.' Richard: 'Why does she need so much?

What does she spend it on?'

Ronald: 'I've no idea. I never give her any.'

She's just flown

'Doctor, I'm worried about my wife. She thinks she is a bird.'

'Well, you had better bring her in to see me.'

I can't. She's just flown south for winter.'

20 pounds

The wife wanted to do some shopping during the day, so at breakfast she asked her husband for 20 pounds.

'Money, money, money!' he shouted. 'Every day of the week you want more money. If you ask me, I think you need brains more than you need money.'

'Perhaps so,' his wife agreed, 'but I asked you for what I thought you had the most of.'