Jokes and Funny Dialogues

The donkey brays

One day a friend visited Hodja and said "Hodja, I want to borrow your donkey." "I'm sorry," replied Hodja, "but I've already lent it to someone else." As soon as he said this, the donkey brayed.

"But Hodja, I can hear the donkey! It's in the stable!" Shutting the door in his friend's face, Hodja told him with dignity, "A man who believes the word of a donkey above my word doesn't deserve to be lent anything!"

Gruesome

Teacher -Sidney, you give me a sentence using the word ''gruesome''.

Sidney - Er, my mum's plants grew some in the past two weeks!

Good cook

Bill (at Scout camp) -Is Jack a good cook? Sam -I don 't think so. The last time I saw him he was trying to open an egg with a tin-

opener!

Hamburger

Boy -Dad, I can't eat this hamburger. It's awful!

Dad -Shall I call the waiter?

Boy -No, I don't think even he'll be able to eat it!

None of them

Ian -When I'm grown up, everybody will be scared of me.

Pa -What'll you be -a boxer or a wrestler? Ian - None of them. I'm going to be a den-

tist!

Milkman

Teacher -What comes before seven, boy? Sidney -Er, the milkman!

I could

Teacher -Dennis! You can't sleep in my class.

Dennis -Please sir, if you didn't talk so loudly I could.

Inseparable

Jock -Hector and Hamish had a terrible row last night.

Alec -I thought they were inseparable friends?

Jock -That's right. It took six of us to separate them.

The first rung

Dennis -I fell off a sixty-foot ladder yesterday.

Minnie -It's a wonder you weren't killed. Dennis -Not really. I fell off the first rung.

The interrupted dream

While taking a nap on the porch, one hot summer day, Hodja dreamed that a stranger promised to give him ten pieces of gold. The stranger placed them in Hodja's hand one by one until he reached the tenth piece, which he hesitated to give him.

"Come on! What are you waiting for?" said Hodja. "You promised me ten!" Just then he woke up. He immediately looked at this hand and saw that it was empty. He quickly shut his eyes again, stretched out his hand and said, "All right, I'll settle for nine!"

Late for school

Smiffy (in bed) -Gosh! It's quarter to eight! If Mum doesn't wake me up soon I'll be late for school!

Big fool

Jock -Jamie's not such a big fool as he used to be.

Alistair - Is he getting wise; then? Jock -No -thinner.

The rest

Dad -How many sums did you have wrong in your arithmetic test?

Smiffy -One.

Dad -And how many did you have to do? Smiffy -Twelve.

Dad -So you had eleven right? Smiffy -No, I didn't do the rest.

Discount

Judge -You've been up before this bench seven times. I fine you to 20 years.

Prisoner -Can I get a discount for being a regular customer?

Electricity

Boss -Everything in this office is worked by electricity.

Office boy -I know, sir. Even the wages give you a shock!

Lost

One day Hodja lost his donkey. While looking for it he was also rejoicing. When the people saw him they couldn't figure out why he was so happy. When they asked him the reason, Hodja told them, "I'm happy because I wasn't riding the donkey when it got lost. If I had been, I'd be lost now, too!"

Bad luck

Charlie -Helping Mr. McKay to look for a five pound note he'd lost.

Mum -Did you have any luck? Charlie -No, he found it himself.

Supper

Mum -Well, what comes after T?

Angus -Supper.

Last poem

Poet -What do you think of my last poem? Editor -Well, I'm glad to hear it's your last.

Myself

Butler -There's a man wanting to see you, sir.

Absent-minded professor -Tell him I'm not

in.

Butler -I told him, but he won't go away, sir.

Absent-minded professor -Oh well, I'd better go and tell him myself!

Court

Judge -The next person who raises his voice in this court will be thrown out!

Prisoner -Hip, hip, hooray!

Postcard

Slow waiter -How did you order your steak, sir?

Weary customer -I ordered it by word of mouth, but I suppose I ought to have sent you a postcard two weeks in advance!

Acrobats

Showman -Two pounds to see the acrobats. Come along, sonny -only two pounds.

Davie -I've only got one pound, mister - but if you let me in, I'll only open one eye.

One glance

Bill and Bert paid a visit to a court while a trial was in progress.

Bert -I've no doubt about this case. One glance at that fellow over there tells me he's guilty.

Bill -Sssh! That's the judge!

Skunk

What would you get if you crossed a gorilla with a skunk?

I don't know what you would call it, but it'd have no trouble getting a seat on the bus!

Favorite

Teacher -What is your favorite subject Danny?

Danny -Latin.

Teacher -But you're not learning that. Danny -I know, that's why it's my favorite.

Manager

Diner -Look here, this will never do. That man over there has got much more to eat than me. Where's the manager?

Waiter -That man is the manager.

The wrong face

Sergeant (in army camp ) -Why haven 't you shaved this morning?

Private -Well, there were eight of us using the same mirror; and I must have shaved the wrong face.

What a long way

Barney -I was born in New York, but I went to school in Scotland.

Jock -Gosh, what a long way you had to go every day!

What hand?

Terry - What hand do you stir your tea with?

Jerry -I stir mine with a spoon!

Railways

Speaker (after a very boring lecture) - Now is there anybody who has a further question to ask about the railways of Great Britain?

Angus -Yes. What time does your train leave?

Boot

Why can't a car play football? Because it's only got one boot!

March! March!

What date is a command to go forward? March 4th!

Sheep

Tourist -How many sheep do you have here?

Shepherd -I can't say exactly. Every time I start to count them, I fall asleep.

Angry

Teacher -I was very angry yesterday when I heard a boy snoring during my lesson.

PupilYes, so was I. The noise woke me up!

Painted

Jack -Would you please open the gate for me?

Old man (opening the gate) -Yes, but why don't you open it yourself?

Jack -Because it's just been painted!

Marbles

Mum -Quick, Garry, run for the doctor! Baby's swallowed one of your marbles!

Garry -That's all right. I've got plenty more!

Marvelous ear

Applicant for a job in a music shop - I've a marvelous ear for music. I can pick up anything musical.

Boss -All right. Help me shift this piano.