Books on Happiness / HarperCollins,.It's All in Your Head - Thinking Your Way to Happiness.[2006.ISBN0060759992]

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wonderful cook, her work schedule allows her to make only one big family meal a week: Sunday dinner. She’ll make an incredible meal, and when her husband, Bill, a forty-five-year-old selfemployed accountant, tells her how wonderful it is, she responds by saying, “It’s a little too salty,” or, “The roast’s a bit overdone,” or with some other criticism. When her children, fourteen-year-old Enya and twelve-year-old Nicole, chime in with their compliments, Bobbie responds by saying she wishes Sunday weren’t the only time she could make them this kind of meal. At the end of every semester, when Bobbie goes over her students’ evaluations, she fixates on the handful of negative comments, overlooking all the praise. Bill invariably points to the multiple teaching awards hanging on her office wall, but it never seems to make a difference.

For years Bill shrugged off Bobbie’s self-denigration, but that was before he began to notice the same behavior developing in both Enya and Nicole. Enya, a driven student, came home with a great report card—four A’s and one B—and despite effusive praise from both Bobbie and Bill could focus only on the B as a mark of failure. Nicole, a strikingly attractive little girl, started to criticize her appearance. “My hair’s too straight” and “I’m fat” became regular parts of her conversation with the rest of the family. Although aware there could be multiple reasons for the girls’ self-criticism, Bill suspected that Bobbie’s regular self-denigration played a role. One Saturday evening they went out for a movie, and over coffee afterward Bill expressed his concerns to Bobbie. “It’s not good for you to beat yourself up all the time, and I don’t think it’s good for the girls, either.” Bobbie almost immediately turned Bill’s comments into fuel for more self-loathing. But before she could go too far down that road, Bill stopped her. “You’re doing it again. You’ve got to stop.” He then went through a litany of ways in which she was a wonderful wife, mother, and teacher.

Bill’s comments and the now apparent impact on her daugh-

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ters gave Bobbie pause. The momentary glimpse of herself from outside, and the awareness that her self-abuse could be damaging to her daughters, convinced Bobbie she had to do something about it. She spent a few days trying to come up with ways to start owning her successes. Bobbie decided that the best way for her to get out from between her ears was to be out alone in nature. She began by taking her canoe out on a lake near her home. Every Saturday morning she rose before dawn, paddled her canoe out to the center of the lake, and just floated. She listened to the early morning calls of the waterbirds. She watched as the rays of the sun burned the fog off the lake’s surface. She saw the surface of the lake come to life with ripples from fish below and insects from above. As the sun rose and lit up the trees lining the lakeshore, Bobbie felt a comforting sense of smallness. There were gaps in the trees, clouds in the sky, and rocks breaking the water’s surface. She couldn’t imagine a more beautiful setting, yet it wasn’t perfect. In fact, it was the flaws that somehow made the setting more beautiful. They made it . . . more real. A few days after her ephiphany, she soon saw her own attitudes and behavior change. And eventually both she and Bill could see subtle changes in the girls as well.

Eager to keep her newfound perspective, Bobbie has resolved to continue her “outdoor worship sessions,” as she calls them. As the weather grows colder, Bobbie plans to replace her morning canoe trips with hikes along the trail that rims the lake. She has bought snowshoes so that when winter hits she’ll be able to continue her weekly communions with beautifully imperfect nature.

Bobbie’s discovery of the healing power of nature is far from unique. But few have described it as eloquently as the young Anne Frank. Perhaps because she was trapped in an attic sanctuary from the Nazis and, as a result, was unable to appreciate nature up close, she could better appreciate its power: “The

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best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.”

“I’m Not Responsible for Things for Which I Wasn’t Responsible”

Daniel Jackson, fifty-six, is vice president of marketing for a long established manufacturing company based on the West Coast, which recently shifted its focus from consumer to industrial products. The company’s plan was to move from a fashionable but volatile market to one that, while less exciting, would offer greater stability. Daniel, a striking man with a shaved head and an omnipresent diamond earring, was recruited to the company to help it make the shift successfully. With more than thirty years of experience in the field, Daniel was seen as a vital part of the “new team.” Unfortunately, things didn’t go well.

The industry that the company was most counting on was telecommunications, which crashed dramatically within months of Daniel’s arrival. (Since then the industry has stabilized, but it still hasn’t recovered completely.) Daniel did all he could. He created solid relationships with a whole new group of customers. The company, despite joining the industry only recently, became a recognized leader in the business. Daniel’s input in new product development helped put the company in position to take advantage of an industry turnaround. The firm’s market share now actually exceeds projections—it’s just

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that the market has shrunk in size. But that hasn’t stopped Daniel from beating himself up.

For months, upper management went out of its way to praise Daniel’s efforts. Every time he finished his reports by offering an apology for not doing even more, or for not turning the business around single-handedly, the upper management team corrected him, saying he and his staff were doing a great job, reiterating that no one was faulting Daniel and that the company thought he was doing a great job playing the poor hand he had been dealt. But Daniel’s almost reflexive self-criticism started to have an effect. Over time, the corrections from management weren’t as quick, nor did they seem to be as heartfelt.

This was noticed by Daniel’s closest associate, the vice president of advertising and public relations. One evening over drinks after work, he suggested Daniel stop providing ammunition to the upper management team. “There’s scuttlebutt the board is now looking for some scalps,” he revealed. “There are a couple of guys in the management group who were responsible for this new strategy but who’d be happy to offer up your head as a sacrifice to save their own.”

Daniel knew his friend was right. To keep from digging his own grave, he realized he’d need to stop viewing himself as the company’s potential savior. He had to evaluate his performance based not on what he thought he should accomplish, but on what he actually was accomplishing, which was a great deal. Daniel decided he needed to cultivate humility.

Every day on his drive to the office, Daniel passed a sign indicating the road to a Catholic monastery. Since he was a compulsive early riser and was routinely at his desk by 7:30, Daniel figured he had time to stop off one morning and visit the monastery. At about 6:30 a.m., he pulled off the main highway and turned onto a gravel road that climbed up a heavily wooded hill. Near the top of the hill, the scenery opened up to a pastoral vista of fields, meadows, and barns. Standing out among

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the rustic buildings was a simple, modern chapel. Daniel parked his car and entered the open door. Inside was a spartan, airy, wood-accented sanctuary lit entirely by candles. As if on cue, Daniel heard chanting and footsteps. As he took a seat on a wooden bench near the chapel door, he saw a file of monks begin to emerge from a lower floor. Wearing simple brown robes over blue jeans and work boots, the monks filled two benches on either side of the stone altar. They sat facing one another and chanted prayers for approximately ten minutes. Then they rose and walked back downstairs.

As he left the chapel, Daniel saw the monks emerge from another door. Three monks went over to a nearby barn, another to a tractor parked alongside the chapel; others headed up a path to other barns and outbuildings. As Daniel walked back to his car, he realized that, like the monks, he was heading out to do his daily work. He also realized he was going to work with a renewed sense of the infinite. Daniel was suddenly struck by how this simple act of morning devotion could help him keep things in perspective.

Since his first discovery of the monastery, Daniel has been able largely to overcome his self-denigration at work. He is assembling material for his next review, at which he plans to ask for a salary increase. And he’s still stopping off at the monastery every morning before work.

“I Can’t Help Everyone”

Tom Corrocan, thirty-four, an angular man with short, straight blond hair, is a social worker for a charitable agency that helps impoverished families in New York City. His friends and family call Tom an idealist. Although he had the grades to go on to law school, Tom chose to get a master’s degree in social work in-

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stead so he’d be able to have a greater positive impact on people’s lives. For years, Tom worked for a program that helped the long-term unemployed gain new skills and find work. But after September 11 his focus, and that of his agency, changed.

Tom’s office is less than two miles from the World Trade Center. He was at his desk when the first plane struck. He heard about it from his partner, Jack, who saw the initial impact on the tower from a park across the river. Tom and his co-workers ran to the window and, through the smoke, saw the second plane hit. The rest of the day became a blur—the crowds walking uptown, the dazed faces of people on the ferry crossing the river, the frantic calls on his cell phone from family and friends across the country. At some point, Tom realized his life and his work would never be the same.

Like most of New York City’s social service organizations, Tom’s agency joined the effort to help those affected by the attacks. Because of his experience working with the unemployed, Tom joined a project to help many of the lower-income service workers whose jobs vanished along with the towers. Despite the poor job market, Tom blamed himself for his inability to find all his clients jobs. He could feel he was losing his sense of optimism and enthusiasm and needed to turn his attitude around.

A nationally ranked cross-country runner in college, Tom hadn’t done much running since coming to New York. But he remembered the high he got from running, a feeling that he was part of the larger world. Tom decided to take up running again.

Every day after work, Tom changed into running clothes, put his work clothes and briefcase in a locker, and headed up to Central Park. Once he entered the park, the sounds of the city started to grow quiet. After a number of laps, the selfdeprecating voice in his head also started to grow quiet, re-

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placed by the sound of his shoes hitting the pavement and the wind rustling through the trees. After a few months of running, Tom could sense his attitude changing. His old optimism was returning. He was focusing on what was going right rather than what was going wrong. He was beginning to own his success.

Whether it’s spending time in nature, or prayer, or exercise, the result is the same. I know people who take up stargazing. Others become gardeners. That would make sense to Thornton Wilder, who once wrote, “The planting of trees is the least selfcentered of all that we do.” However you do it, by taking time to see how you fit in the world, you gain perspective; you cultivate a sense of humility and get out from between your ears; and you learn to own your success.

The reason all these efforts at finding perspective work is that they are, in one way or another, acts of surrender. “The way to success as vouched by innumerable authentic personal narratives is . . . by . . . surrender . . . ,” wrote William James. He urged readers to “give up the feeling of responsibility, let go your hold, resign the care of your destiny to higher powers.”

It’s ironic, but through surrender self-esteem rises. Stop viewing yourself as the center of the universe and you’ll be able to accept your own shortcomings and failings. That will enable you to own your successes. But just as welcome as the boost to self-esteem is the realization of your place in the world. According to Henry David Thoreau, “Humility, like darkness, reveals the heavenly lights.” However you define the higher power in the universe, surrendering will bring you closer to it.

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•We do things to ourselves we’d never let others get away with and think things about ourselves we’d never let others say without challenge.

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Y O U D O N ’ T H AV E T O G O I T

A L O N E

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

—Matthew 7:7

A re there times you feel powerless? Well, your reach and strength could be limitless. You can double your borrowing power. You can triple the size of your professional

network. You can geometrically multiply your odds of finding a mate or making friends. You can acquire the wisdom and expertise it normally takes years, and maybe tens of thousands of dollars, to learn. And all this can be done quickly and easily. Just ask for help. Getting help is the easiest way for you to leverage your time, money, skill, and knowledge. Help can lead to happiness.

Yet most of us hesitate to reach out. We don’t ask to borrow money from a sister to help pay for our daughter’s medical bill. We refuse to ask our co-worker for job leads. We’re too proud to ask our cousin if she knows any single women. We hesitate to