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Step 6. Revising, proofreading and editing.
Christmas in Las Vegas
―Buckle up Meg, we‘ve got a long trip ahead of us.‖ said my Papa as I awaited the moment
to come. I strongly wanted to get going. We were in my grandparent‘s car on our way from my
dad‘s house to Las Vegas to see my Aunt Roxanne, and Uncle Dale. My Grammy and Papa were
in the front seats, and my mom and I were in the back seat.
I was so happy to be setting right there next to my mom. I hadn‘t seen her since school had
started. I had a very warm feeling that I was going to have the best time of my life, probably
better than swim of the summer. I was so excited, that I wanted so badly to jump up and down,
but I couldn‘t because I would‘ve hit my fourteen-year-old head on the roof of the car. Despite
my excitement I knew that this might be the Christmas to spend with my mom. She had been
recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer and my heart didn‘t want to believe it.
The car ride was so long that I thought I was going to die from being stuck in the car for so
long. I could barely handle being good for so long. I just wanted to get loose and go crazy. I
decided that since I was bored I should just fall asleep, and get out of everybody‘s hair. So while
we were going through Arizona and some of Nevada, I fell asleep.
Finally the moment had arrived. We were in Las Vegas! It was the best feeling of my life. I
was so excited that I couldn‘t calm down, it was as if I had been hyped up on sugar for a day. My
cousin Kord, and Ashlee , and I exchanged hugs, and caught up with each other. (It was as if we
had seen each other the day before.) It was the best feeling in my entire life. From the long trip I
decided that after we had caught up with everybody that I was going to go to sleep, and get
rested for the next day. Once I hit the air mattress in the living room I was out like a candle being
blown out by a gust of wind.
It was two days before Christmas, and we were all anxious to go to the M&M Factory.
There were so many different types of chocolate. There was White Chocolate, Dark Chocolate
that seemed that you were looking into the midnight sky, there was rich creamy milk chocolate
that melted the minute it hit your tongue. You name a type of chocolate it was probably there. I
couldn‘t choose just one specific chocolate. The aroma of the factory reminded me of the last
Christmas when all of the family was together a few year before. Mom was walking then, but not
now. My mom had been complaining that her legs were hurting, so we had to push her in a
wheelchair. It was a bittersweet moment for the entire family. We were all having a grand time
yet my mom couldn‘t walk and do things for herself. The smell of the turkey that made my
mouth water, or the smell of Papa‘s butterballs. And noodles. Grammy‘s delicious apple pie.
Back to where we were. The light display outside of the factory was the most beautiful thing I
had ever seen. So many lights. And decorations. It was as if I had drifted off into a wonderful
dream. We had to go home early, because my mom was feeling sick, so we went back to my
aunt‘s house so she could not get some rest for the next day.
It was December 23, 2005. The day before Christmas. My Aunt Rox. Had awaken every
one up to get ready to go to her church and see a Christmas play. The play was about a modern
family who was struggling with money. I was so moved when the little girl had told her mom
and dad that she didn‘t need any presents to have a good Christmas. I almost cried. During the
play they played Christmas Carols like: ―Silent night‖, ―Jingle Bells‖, and ―The Three Kings‖. I
was so happy that I began to sing a joyful tune. It made my mom wonder where all of that joy
had gone when I went with my dad. She asked me if I was to spend Christmas with her. I said,
―It wouldn‘t be Christmas without you mom. I am very happy to be with you. I love you‖ When
I told her that she had one single tear roll down her cheek. Soon the play was over and we went
back to the house to just visit with the family. I was so tired that I took a little nap before we
went to the mall to make stuffed animals.
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It was about 3:00 p.m. and my mom was ready to go to the mall. We went there and it was
just like being home in Arizona. I immediately wanted to go and make the stuffed animals. My
cousin Ashlee, and my mom had made the same bear. It was brown fuzzy bear that was dressed
like an angel. My mom said the angel that she made would go to Ashlee. She said that it would
protect her when she needed to be protected, and company when she needed someone to talk to. I
was so happy for my mom. My aunt wanted to make a stuffed animal too. So I chose to make a
frog named George. He is a yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do. I had a lot of fun making him. Soon
my mom wanted to go back because she wanted to go to sleep so she could wake up bright and
early to get into Christmas spirit. We all said our goodnights and went to bed.
Finally the day that I had been waiting for, it was Christmas Eve! Unlike most families
who open all of their presents on Christmas morning on December 25, we open ours on
Christmas night. All of my cousins were so eager to open our presents that Aunt Rox let us open
one to tie us over until later that night. I had fun waiting for the time to come. After breakfast T
went to take a bath. After I got out and got ready for the day my mom had asked to do my hair
just like old times. I was so happy that I went and got my brush. She asked me if I wanted in my
hair and I told her to do my hair however she wanted it. She braided my hair and put a Christmas
ribbon in it for the holiday spirit. It was so fun. After my mom had finished she wanted me to
play with her hair so she could fall asleep and get more rest so she could have fun while we
opened presents.
It was dark about 6:00 p.m. All the kids had gathered around the Christmas tree. And they
were excited to open their presents. It was like a petting zoo where if you give a lamb a piece of
food then it‘ll keep coming back. Well if you kept giving us the presents we would keep coming
back for more. I had received the most precious present of all time. It was a cross necklace that I
never take off. My mom had given it to me. She told me to never take it off, because it would
protect me as long as I wore it. We grabbed on to each other and cried on each other‘s shoulders
saying that those were the best presents.
A couple days later my mom, my grandparents, and I were getting ready to leave. We all
said our goodbyes, well they weren‘t technically goodbyes pretty much ―See you later‖ I had a
hard time saying later to my aunt. I hadn‘t seen her for about 4 years before that. As Papa had
put the last of our luggage into the trunk of the car we went off. I knew for sure that we had a
long ride ahead of us. So I decided to sleep.
When we finally got back to Wyoming some unusual weather had been going on. Instead
of snowing during the winter it was raining when we entered Evanston, until we entered Rock
Springs. My mom wanted to stay with me one day just to hold me one last time before she had to
go. I didn‘t want to let go but I had to for both of us. Throughout this entire journey with my
mom I learned that no matter what I should never take advantage of what I have. I also learned
that you should always live your life to the fullest each day, because tomorrow might not come.
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3) Descriptive essay
More than many other types of essays, descriptive essays strive to create a deeply involved
and vivid experience for the reader. Great descriptive essays achieve this affect not through facts
and statistics but by using detailed observations and descriptions.
What do you want to describe?
As you get started on your descriptive essay, it's important for you to identify exactly what
you want to describe. Often, a descriptive essay will focus on portraying one of the following:
a person
a place
a memory
an experience
an object
Ultimately, whatever you can perceive or experience can be the focus of your descriptive
writing.
Why are you writing your descriptive essay?
It's a great creative exercise to sit down and simply describe what you observe. However,
when writing a descriptive essay, you often have a particular reason for writing your description.
Getting in touch with this reason can help you focus your description and imbue your language
with a particular perspective or emotion.
Example: Imagine that you want to write a descriptive essay about your grandfather.
You've chosen to write about your grandfather's physical appearance and the way that he
interacts with people. However, rather than providing a general description of these aspects, you
want to convey your admiration for his strength and kindness. This is your reason for writing the
descriptive essay. To achieve this, you might focus one of your paragraphs on describing the
roughness of his hands, roughness resulting from the labor of his work throughout his life, but
you might also describe how he would hold your hands so gently with his rough hands when
having a conversation with you or when taking a walk.
How should you write your description?
If there's one thing you should remember as you write your descriptive essay, it's the
famous saying: show don't tell. But what's the difference between showing and telling?
Consider these two simple examples:
I grew tired after dinner.
As I leaned back and rested my head against the top of the chair, my eyelids began to
feel heavy, and the edges of the empty plate in front of me blurred with the white tablecloth.
The first sentence tells readers that you grew tired after dinner. The second
sentence shows readers that you grew tired. The most effective descriptive essays are loaded with
such showing because they enable readers to imagine or experience something for themselves.
As you write your descriptive essay, the best way to create a vivid experience for your
readers is to focus on the five senses.
sight
sound
smell
touch
taste
When you focus your descriptions on the senses, you provide vivid and specific details
that show your readers rather than tell your readers what you are describing.
Quick Tips for Writing Your Descriptive Essay
Writing a descriptive essay can be a rich and rewarding experience, but it can also feel a bit
complicated. It's helpful, therefore, to keep a quick checklist of the essential questions to keep in
mind as you plan, draft, and revise your essay.
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Planning your descriptive essay:
What or who do you want to describe?
What is your reason for writing your description?
What are the particular qualities that you want to focus on?
Drafting your descriptive essay:
What sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and textures are important for developing your
description?
Which details can you include to ensure that your readers gain a vivid impression
imbued with your emotion or perspective?
Revising your descriptive essay:
Have you provided enough details and descriptions to enable your readers to gain a
complete and vivid perception?
Have you left out any minor but important details?
Have you used words that convey your emotion or perspective?
Are there any unnecessary details in your description?
Does each paragraph of your essay focus on one aspect of your description?
Are you paragraphs ordered in the most effective way?
Here is a good example of a descriptive essay
Coney Island in My Mind
I would really love to visit Coney Island again. The place is far from the bustling city and
getting there is already part of the adventure. One can take the tunnel or drive but whichever
way you take when one arrives in the island, it‘s like being transported in time. There is that
feeling of de`javu one gets when you see the heart of the island for the first time. Maybe it is
because of the old films that featured the amusement parks or because as a young child you have
had countless dreams of coming here. The place is filled with old buildings and structures that
remind us of how our parents and grandparents might have enjoyed the Thunderbolt and the
mermaid shows and the parachute drop and all the other parks when they were younger.
The merry-go-round, which has been the logo of the island, has been embedded in the
minds of my generation. One cannot fail to notice the romance in the air and the sweet butterfly
kisses of past and present lovers who had spent a memorable day in the ride. The air is filled
with childish adventure and laughter, that when one is walking the streets one would surely
smile and be filled with joy.
The place is like a giant playground without the technologically advanced rides and shows
of today‘s theme parks. It offers pure delight and tons of fun. It is a place where everyone is
invited to enjoy the sights and sounds of the place and be like children once again discover how
easier it is to smile and throw our miseries away.
The whole island is an amusement park with candy stores, taverns, night shows and a
magnificent boardwalk. The chatter of children‘s voices, the happy shrieks of teens, and the
smiles of everyone tells one why this place was and will always be America‘s happy park. The
smell of popcorn and hotdog as one walks the streets to the parks reminds us of simple days
when our wants and desires were simpler. The people are friendly and in keeping with the
amusement business are always ready to make your visit to the island worth remembering. When
one strolls around the commercial center, one can do so leisurely without the need to see
everything, to ride everything and taste everything in one day, one keeps coming back to Coney
Island because it is removed from the hurried, impersonal and rudeness of the city.
In winter, the place is like a giant ice kingdom, where everything is glistening white and
silent. During this time, one can feel the sadness of the city, how it has been suspended in time,
and like a bear who sleeps in the winter, it wakes up in the spring. Sadly, not many people visit
Coney Island these days. Recently, the magnificent Thunderbolt has fallen from its glory, quite
literally. It has lost much of its famous rides and has been stripped of its former grandeur, but
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nevertheless will always be an icon in America‘s culture. The more important it is that we visit
Coney Island again, by doing so we will help keep it alive and be a living heritage to our
children.
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5) Discursive essay
The peculiarity of the discussion essay is that you don‘t share your point of view till
the end of your essay (the last paragraph)
Discursive Essay Structure
Paragraph 1 – Introduction
Your first paragraph should:
be a general introduction. Don‘t include specific points from the main body of the
argument
include a response to the title. You may need to identify the issues that lie behind the
title, to give historical or topical background
be interesting and relevant
Paragraph 2 – Background
Provide some of the history of the topic you are writing about.
Paragraph 3 – Your argument (at least 6/7 reasons, thus 6/7 paragraphs)
These paragraphs must:
contain one major point of the argument, stating your reason for agreeing/disagreeing
with question posed.
begin with or have near its start a topic (or “signpost”) sentence (a sentence which
indicates what the paragraph will be about and how it relates to the essay title). This is NOT a
sub-heading! Your writing should be formal continuous prose.
be linked to the paragraph that comes before, often with a suitable conjunction or link
words such as in addition, nevertheless, despite this, however. Don‘t put also or for example at
the start of a sentence.
contain generalised evidence of your research (e.g. statistics/expert opinion).
2nd Last Paragraph – Counter argument (1 paragraph)
Open with ―Contrary to this…‖ ―In contrast there are those who...‖ ―On
the other hand…‖
List the opposing side‘s reasons but do not change your opinion. Use
phrases like: some people claim… There are those who say…
Conclusion
A good conclusion WILL:
be crisp and conclusive in feel, the goal of the whole essay
A good conclusion MAY:
return to something mentioned in the first paragraph
evaluate what has gone before
hint at something you might have followed up had the scope of the question allowed it
Give your opinion. A discursive essay should feel as if you have weighed up the
arguments and come to a conclusion at the end.
A poor conclusion will simply restate or summarise points made earlier or be a few
sentences stuck on at the end.
Examples of opening a discursive essay
A writer can choose to begin their discursive writing in a variety of different way. In the
examples below, the controversial topic is Fast Food.
Below are a variety of ways that the writer can use to open his discussion on the topic.
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1. Stating what the controversy is about
While children are lured to Fast Food outlets by the colourful appearance of the restaurants
and the appetising smell of their products, nutritionalists have expressed concern about what they
see as an unhealthy diet.
2. Summarizing the views in a balanced way
It is difficult to balance the increasing popularity of fast food outlets with the heavy
criticisms which are made about them by medical and nutritional experts.
3. Using a quotation from an expert
― There is nothing inevitable about the fast food nation that surrounds us – about its
marketing strategies, labour policies, and agricultural techniques, about its relentless drive for
conformity and cheapness.‖ Such is the claim made by Eric Scholsser, author of Fast Food
Nation. It is a view, however, which is not shared by all.
4. Using an illustrative opening to create a picture
John grins with delight as his mother emerges from the car carrying the tell-tale
MacDonald‘s bag. Succulent cheeseburgers, crispy chips, ice-fold Cola – everything a boy who
could want. His elderly neighbour casts a critical eye over the proceedings, thinking of the food
of her childhood: wholesome home-made soups and fresh garden vegetables and no sweets.
Linking Words
To provide an illustration:
For example that is that is to say for instance
in other words namely such as as follows
Typical of this a typical/particular/key example
Including especially not least in particular
Notably chiefly mainly most importantly
A good illustration of this is it is interesting to note
To extend a point:
Similarly equally likewise also
Furthermore Indeed in the same way
Besides above all as well in addition
To show cause and effect/conclusion:
So therefore accordingly thus hence
Then as result/consequence resulting from/in consequence of this
in this/that case consequently because of this/that
for this reason owing to/due to the fact this demonstrates
it follows that this suggests that accepting/assuming this
in conclusion it can be concluded from this this implies
in short to conclude in all in brief
To show the next step:
first(ly) second(ly) to begin/start with in the first/second place
first and foremost first and most importantly another
then after next afterwards third(ly) finally
ultimately
To indicate a contrast:
However on the other hand alternatively in contrast
Instead conversely on the contrary in fact
Rather in comparison another possibility
But better/worst still despite this in spite of
Nevertheless notwithstanding for all that yet
Although in opposition to this
Here is an example of discursive essay in steps
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Below you will find an example discursive essay. Read the essay over carefully. Study it
and work out how it has been written.
Reading the essay
Whilst reading the essay, consider the following questions, writing down your ideas -
what is the main idea the writer is arguing about?
each paragraph has a sub-topic which contributes to the essay's main topic - what does
each paragraph contribute to the argument?
what evidence does the writer offer to support the arguments?
which of the three suggested structures identified earlier does the writer adopt in this
essay?
does the writer link ideas clearly in the essay?
You will probably want to read the essay over twice to help you answer these
questions.
Here is an example of writing a discursive essay
1. A subject which always arouses strong feelings on both sides of the argument is the
use of animals in medical research. I believe that, though this may have been necessary in the
past, other ways can be developed to test drugs and, in the future, animals should not be used.
2. One of my main reasons for saying this is that living tissues can be grown in test tubes
and new drugs can be tested on these. Computers can also be programmed to show how
medicines will react in the human body.
3. Moreover, animals are not always like humans. They do not suffer from all human
diseases, so scientists have to give them the illnesses artificially. The joints in rabbit legs are
inflamed with chemicals to help research in rheumatism. These tests do not always work because
animals do not react to drugs in the same way as humans. Aspirin, for example, damages
pregnant mice and dogs, but not pregnant women. Arsenic, which is a deadly poison for humans,
has no effect on sheep, while penicillin, which is so valuable to humans, kills guinea pigs.
4. In addition, I believe that animal experiments should not be used because of the
unnecessary pain that they cause to animals. The government introduced new rules about the use
of animals in experiments in 1986. Scientists claim that these rules safeguard animals because
they state that discomfort must be kept to a minimum and that painkillers must be used where
necessary and appropriate. Surely this means, however, that scientists can still decide not to use
painkillers in the animal experiments because they do not consider them appropriate. The British
Union against Vivisection claims that 75% of animals experimented on are given no anaesthetic.
5. In spite of the claims of some scientists about the effectiveness of animal research, the
death rate in this country has stayed the same over the last thirty years. There is also more longterm sickness, even though greater numbers of animals are being used in research.
6. On the other hand, scientists claim that some experiments are so small, for example
giving an injection, that painkillers are not needed. They also argue that experiments on animals
have been very useful in the past. For instance, the lives of ten million human diabetics have
been saved because of experiments with insulin on dogs. Dogs also benefited, as the same drug
can be used on them. In fact, a third of medicines used by vets are the same as those used by
doctors.
7. It is argued by researchers that the use of animals in experiments cannot be replaced
by methods using living tissue which has been grown in test tubes. These tests do not show how
the drugs work on whole animals and so they only have limited effectiveness.
8. Although I accept that some drugs can be used on animals and humans, this does not
mean that they have to be tested on animals in the first place when alternative methods are
available. Alternative methods do work. Various groups have been set up to put money into other
ways of researching. For example the Dr. Hadwen Trust has shown how human cartilage can be
grown in test tubes to study rheumatism. Similar research is being done into cancer and multiple
sclerosis. Tests can be done on bacteria to see whether a chemical will cause cancer. There is
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even a programme of volunteer human researchers, where people suffering from illnesses offer
to help in research.
9. In conclusion, I accept that animal experiments have brought great benefits in the past,
but now money needs to be spent on developing other methods of testing drugs and medical
procedures, so that the use of animals can be phased out altogether.
After reading the essay
Now that you have read the essay and, hopefully, written down some ideas in response to
the questions, look over the following commentson the essay.
The comments are presented as answers to the questions provided. This way you can
check your own ideas against them.
Examples of discursive essays:
purpose: to persuade
A point of view and thesis statement are required for both argumentative and discursive
essays. We may use the analogy of a court case. Consider the thesis statement as the defence and
the antithesis as the prosecution. There is no point in holding a trial without a verdict. In terms
of spoken text, consider your discursive essay as a debate in which both sides are presented.
Without a final adjudication, the debate has little purpose. Remember the purpose of an
exposition (argumentative or discursive) is to persuade, if the writer has no clear viewpoint, then
it is impossible to persuade the reader.
Example:
Title:
‘There’s no need to write letters any more. Telephoning is a better way of
communicating with people.’
Structure
1. Introduction – a short paragraph stating both points of view and a thesis statement.
(The thesis indicates your point of view)
It’s certainly quicker to telephone than to write a letter but it may not always be the best
way to communicate. The use depends, like so many other things in life, on the circumstances.
2. Points For – one paragraph giving reasons in favour. These reasons should be supported
by evidence and examples. (This will develop the antithesis)
Telephoning is ideal if you want immediate action. You wouldn‘t want to write to the
plumber if you had water pouring through your ceiling, for example. It’s also the obvious choice
if you need a quick answer to a question like ‗What time is the next train to Oxford?‘ or ‗Did I
leave my wallet in your shop?‘ Many problems can be solved more easily and decisions taken
more quickly if you can discuss them with someone on the phone rather than wait for a reply to a
letter. Finally, few people would disagree that telephoning is a pleasant way to keep in touch
with friends and family.
3. Points Against – one paragraph giving reasons against. These reasons should be
supported by evidence and examples. (This will develop the thesis)
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On the other hand, there can be a number of disadvantages totelephoning. In the first
place, some problems are too complicated to explain on the phone, especially if they involve
facts and figures, and it may be clearer if you set them out in a letter. Secondly, it might be
important to have a record of what you say, especially if it‘s a booking or a complaint. Last but
not least, telephoning, especially long-distance, can be terribly expensive.
4. Further support and follow a logical argument.
The nice thing about receiving letters is that you can keep them and re-read them. Who
wouldn’t rather have a six-page letter full of news from a friend abroad than a two-minute
telephone call on a bad line?
5. Conclusion – a brief paragraph stating your point of view (thesis) based on the reasons
and evidence you have given.
To sum up, letter writing is far from dead, in my view. Each form ofcommunication has
its advantages and disadvantages: the important thing to recognise is which is more
appropriate for what you want to say, and to whom.
Useful language
Title
It is usually a statement or a question.
Examples:
The mobile phone has made a positive contribution to our lives today
Friendships have become more important than family relationships
The computer has greatly improved our lives today
Are electric cars a replacement for those powered by fossil fuels?
Is money the most important thing in life?
Introducing the topic
Many people believe /feel that… / It is often claimed that… / We often hear that…People‘s
opinions on … differ widely.
Developing your argument
One of the main advantages of … is that …
In the first place, / Firstly, / To begin with, / To start with, / First of all,
Second, / Secondly, / In the second place, / Thirdly, / Finally, /Lastly, / Last but not least,
…
In addition to that, / Apart from that, / Besides,
At first sight … but in fact,
Apparently / the fact is that, / As a matter of fact,
For example… For instance… A case in point is… (Clearly, / Obviously, / Needless to say,
/ As everyone knows,
Following a logical argument
Therefore, / Consequently, / As a result, / Thus, / Hence, / For this reason,
For one reason or another, / Up to a point,
In general, / As a rule, / On the whole,
In a way, / In a sense, / In some sense, (e.g. In some sense I agree with you, but not entirely)
In particular, / Especially,
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