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THE SECOND THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW
IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW • II
one lady remark to her husband; “I like to see ’em a bIt kittenish myself.” A young waitress, on the other hand, I am happy to
say, showed more sense of natural reserve. “Well, I respect him
for it,” she was saying to the barmaid, as we passed through
the hall; “I’d just hate to be fuzzled over with everybody looking on.” Nobody took the trouble to drop their voices for our
benefi t. We might have been a pair of prize love birds on exhibition, the way we were openly discussed. By the majority we
were clearly regarded as a sulky young couple who would not
go through their tricks.
I have often wondered since how a real married couple
would have faced the situation. Possibly, had we consented to
give a short display of marital affection, “by desire,” we might
have been left in peace for the remainder of the journey.
Our reputation preceded us on to the steamboat. Minnie
begged and prayed me to let It be known we were not married.
How I was to let It be known, except by requesting the captain
to summon the whole ship’s company on deck, and then making them a short speech, I could not think. Minnie said she
could not bear It any longer, and retired to the ladies’ cabin.
She went off crying. Her trouble was attributed by crew and
passengers to my coldness. One fool planted himself opposite
me with his legs apart, and shook his head at me.
“Go down and comfort her,” he began. “Take an old man’s
advice. Put your arms around her.” (He was one of those sentimental idiots.) “Tell her that you love her.”
I told him to go and hang himself, with so much vigour
that he all but fell overboard. He was saved by a poultry crate:
I had no luck that day.
111
111
JEROME K. JEROME
JEROME K. JEROME
At Ryde the guard, by superhuman effort, contrived to
keep us a carriage to ourselves. I gave him a shilling, because
I did not know what else to do. I would have made It halfa-sovereign if he had put eight other passengers in with us.
At every station people came to the window to look in at us.
I handed Minnie over to her father on Ventnor platform;
and I took the fi rst train the next morning, to London. I felt
I did not want to see her again for a little while; and I felt convinced she could do without a visIt from me. Our next meeting
took place the week before her marriage.
“Where are you going to spend your honeymoon?” I asked
her; “in the New Forest?”
“No,” she replied; “nor in the Isle of Wight.”
To enjoy the humour of an incident one must be at some
distance from It either in time or relationship. I remember
watching an amusing scene in Whitefi eld Street, just off Tottenham Court Road, one winter’s Saturday night. A woman –
a rather respectable looking woman, had her hat only been on
straight – had just been shot out of a public-house. She was
very dignifi ed, and very drunk. A policeman requested her to
move on. She called him “Fellow,” and demanded to know of
him if he considered that was the proper tone in which to address a lady. She threatened to report him to her cousin, the
Lord Chancellor.
“Yes; this way to the Lord Chancellor,” retorted the policeman. “You come along with me;” and he caught hold of her by
the arm.
She gave a lurch, and nearly fell. To save her the man put
his arm round her waist. She clasped him round the neck, and
112
112
THE SECOND THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW
IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW • II
together they spun round two or three times; while at the
very moment a piano-organ at the opposite corner struck up
a waltz.
“Choose your partners, gentlemen, for the next dance,”
shouted a wag, and the crowd roared.
I was laughing myself, for the situation was undeniably
comical, the constable’s expression of disgust being quite Hogarthian, when the sight of a child’s face beneath the gas-lamp
stayed me. Her look was so full of terror that I tried to comfort
her.
“It’s only a drunken woman,” I said; “he’s not going to hurt
her.”
“Please, sir,” was the answer, “it’s my mother.”
Our joke is generally another’s pain. The man who sits
down on the tin-tack rarely joins in the laugh.
Литературно-художественное издание
Top 100 Classic Books
Jerome K. Jerome
Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow II
Выпускающий редактор: H. Головлева
Редактор: П. Воронин
Корректор: И. Шаболова
Компьютерная верстка: Т. Серёгина
Художественное оформление: М. Кылосова
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