Reflecting feelings

  Whereas paraphrasing emphasizes the content of what the other person has been saying, reflecting feelings focuses on the emotional aspects of the communication. Feelings can be communicated verbally, non-verbally, or through a combination of both. Non-verbal cues include observing the speed of speech, loudness of voice, the tone of the words, bodily posture, facial blushing and the individual turning their eyes away from you. Verbally they may be using affective words such as scared, happy, bored, disappointed or angry to indicate how they are feeling. By attending to all these aspects you can identify and label what the other person is feeling as well as the intensity of their feelings. As with paraphrasing it is important when you reflect back feelings, to correctly identify not only the emotion but also the right intensity of feeling. If you are not entirely sure, it is best to do this in a tentative way. Returning to the example given above of the work colleague who has just spent 5 minutes telling you how unreliable their boss has been, you may through observation of a number of verbal and non-verbal cues conclude that they are feeling very angry. You would then reflect this back using a tentative statement such as ‘It sounds to me as if you are feeling pretty angry about the way you have been treated?’ If your colleague then replies ‘You bet I am!’ then you can be certain you have accurately reflected their feelings. An accurate reflection of feeling demonstrates that you understand the other person on an emotional level and can give them the confidence to confide in you and disclose more of their feelings to you.

Summarizing

  Summarizing is an attempt to condense or crystallize the essence of what has been said. The key purpose of summarization is to help another individual pull their thinking together. A secondary purpose is to check whether or not you as a listener have understood things correctly. When summarizing the listener selects out key statements and behaviours from the interaction and restates them as accurately as possible, thus helping the other person to see the situation more clearly. Summarizing is different from paraphrasing in that it covers a longer time period and involves a broad range of issues. Again, it is important to state your summary in a tentative way, so that the person you have been listening to has the opportunity to correct you if necessary. Summaries are particularly useful when trying to clarify a long and complex story or sequence of events.

Minimal encouragers

  Minimal encouragers give the person you are communicating with the message that you are listening to them and so make them want to tell you more. Encouragers may be non-verbal such as a nod of the head, leaning forward with interest or engaging in more intensive eye contact. They can also take the form of verbal encouragement such as ‘uh-huh’, ‘tell me more’, or ‘of course’. Sometimes it may involve a simple restatement of the other person’s last four words, for example, ‘so it made you feel pretty bad then?’, or even an appropriately timed silence, giving the other person time to reflect, form their thoughts or regain their composure.