Section 6 Tips about how to avoid conflicts

Efremova Aloyna, Boyko Ludmila, Kazakova Dasha, Tagirova Nailya

• Don’t react… respond. Reaction is an instant thing – usually without a thought. As difficult as it may be, take some time to get perspective before you say anything. Cool down and take a close look at where your reactions and emotions are coming from. Now, you’ll be in a better position to respond.

• Be aware of your feelings. Conflict can lead to immediate anger. Anger is not a basic emotion, however. Fear is usually the feeling that lies directly under anger. Fears that can lead to anger are: being taken advantage of; losing control; having something taken away (as when someone else takes credit for your work); being falsely accused of something; even fear of losing a job or status. The interesting thing about becoming aware of the feeling underneath anger:  the intensity of the feeling disappears very quickly.

• Focus on the issue, not the other person. Stick to the facts and state your case calmly and clearly. Don’t bring up their annoying habits or problems you’ve had with them in the past.

• Try to understand the other person’s point. Step into their shoes for just a minute. It’s amazing how different things may look from where they stand. If you can’t image how they feel, or what they believe, you may need to ask them. Just listen – don’t defend your own position.

• Focus on mutual problem solving. Ask a few simple questions: What happened here? How can we solve this problem? How can we prevent a similar problem in the future? Remember: you are looking for a solution where both of you can win. If either of you walks away feeling like you lost or the other person won, you haven’t solved anything.

• Pick your fights. Sometimes a problem is just not worth getting upset about. But – and here’s a big BUT – if you find yourself talking to everyone else about it, it’s an issue you need to handle with the person involved.

• Timing is everything. If you or the other person is angry, tired, or highly stressed, that’s not the best time to try to discuss your issues or solve a problem. Make an appointment that will work for both of you and come back to the issue when both of you are at your best.

• Keep your negotiations private. It may seem beneficial to “have it out” in a public forum, but that’s usually not the case. Making your conflict public just creates opportunity for others to take sides. Confronting another in public also makes it more likely that things will be said that will make the situation worse. You may find that taking the person you’re in conflict with aside, and speaking to them privately, will greatly increased their respect for you.

• Keep the conflict private. Not only should you speak one-on-one with the person you are having conflict with, make a commitment to limit you discussions to that person directly. It’s toxic to a workplace to discuss what is going on with others. It serves no purpose other than to stir up more trouble. When you discuss a problem with anyone other than the other party involved, nothing will be solved. Your hard feelings, anger and resentment will build as you spread the word, creating sympathy for either yourself or the other person and polarizing the whole workplace. Bitching to others solves nothing. Be a bigger person and deal with your conflict head-on in a constructive, problem solving spirit.

• Ask a third party for help. If you find your efforts to talk calmly to the other person do not help and no resolution seems to be possible, you have two choices:

- Speak to a manager or the Human Resources Department in your company, or

- Begin documenting the conflict. Keep copies of all hateful or spiteful memos, e-mails, letters, and conversations. Record the time, date and circumstances of all relevant contacts with the other person. At some point you’ll need to decide who you will take your documentation to. Is there a senior manager you can approach within the company? If your problem become serious enough you may decide to take your case to a lawyer or make a human rights claim.

• Be calm. Conflict usually engenders strong emotions and even anger but, in such a state, you are unlikely to be particularly rational or in the mood for compromise.

• Always show respect. However much you disagree with someone, attack the argument, not the person. To use a sporting metaphor: play the ball, not the man. As Nelson Mandela explained in his autobiography "Long Walk To Freedom": "I defeated my opponents without dishonouring them".

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• Be magnanimous. In truth, most conflict is over matters of little substance and often it is mostly pride or status that is at stake. Consider conceding the point to your opponent. This will save you time and energy and you can concentrate on the important issues of difference rather than the smaller ones. Also, if your concession is done with good grace and even some humour, it will disarm your opponent and make him/her look small-minded by comparison.

• Be aware of displacement. Especially where anger is concerned, sometimes the source of a conflict is not what it appears to be, as anger is displaced. In the domestic context, for instance, an argument about the washing up could in fact be an argument about lack of affection. It's not easy to spot displacement, but a warning sign is when matters that do not normally cause conflict now appear to do so.

• Change the wording. It's amazing how often we disagree about words and how a change of words can change how people view a situation. Instead of criticising a work colleague for "a mistake", perhaps you could invite him to discuss "a learning opportunity". If two parties to a dispute don't like their eventual agreement to be called an agreement, try calling it a settlement or a resolution or a concordat.

• Compromise. This is an obvious point but frequently neglected. If you can't agree on whether to see a romantic comedy or an action thriller at the cinema, see one film this weekend and the other the next weekend. If you can't agree on whether to have a city holiday or a beach holiday, try a two-centre break.

• Listen for what is felt as well as said. When we listen we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us when it's our turn to speak.

• Make conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or "being right." Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.

• Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to grudges based on past resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.

• Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. Maybe you don't want to surrender a parking space if you’ve been circling for 15 minutes, but if there are dozens of empty spots, arguing over a single space isn’t worth it.

• Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.

• Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

References:

1. Conflict resolution skills [Электронный ресурс]. – Режим доступа к документу : http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq8_conflict_resolution

2. How to resolve conflict [Электронный ресурс]. – Режим доступа к документу : http://www.rogerdarlington.co.uk/conflict

3. Conflict resolution methods [Электронный ресурс]. – Режим доступа к документу : https://ccr.byu.edu/content/conflict-resolution-methods

4. From Conflict Resolution to Reconciliation, Oxford, Oxford University Press – 2000.

5. Paul Huth. Journal of Conflict Resolution / Paul Huth. – USA, 2007.

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