Can you speak english?

Some months ago Mr. X. went to England on a business trip. When he returned, he told me the following story.

When I came to England, I was very nervous, as I wasn't sure that I would be able to make English people understand me. I put up at a hotel and understood the reception clerk when he asked me to fill in an arrival form. Then I asked the porter to take my luggage up to my room. So far I made myself understood quite well.

When I came up to my room I said to the maid: "I want to brush my shoes and coat and to press my shirt". I couldn't understand why my words made her smile. A few minutes later she brought me several brushes and said: "I'll bring in the iron some minutes later". I said: "I didn't want to brush my coat and shoes and to press the shirt myself". I wanted her to make my things clean but I didn't know how to make it clear. I got tired and angry trying to get her understand what I meant. Finally the maid said: "I suppose you want to have your shoes and coat brushed and your shirt pressed. "Yes", said I, "that's just what I wanted you to do".

I was glad I didn't say "I want to wash my handkerchiefs". If I did, she could bring a wash-tub into my room.

What a language!

This story is about three Frenchmen who lived for some time in England. The first Frenchman once heard someone shout: "Look out!" He was at a hotel when he heard these words. He put his head out of the window and a bucketful of water fell on him. "It seems 'look out' means in English 'don't look out'," he said.

The second Frenchman was once on a ship and heard the captain shout: "All hands on deck!" He put his hands on the deck and someone walked on them.

The third Frenchman wanted to visit a friend of his. When he came to the door of the house he knocked. A maid opened it. He said: "Is Mr. Brown in?" The maid answered: "He's not up yet. Come back in half an hour." When he came after half an hour the maid said: "He's not down yet." He said: "If he's not up and he's not down, where is he?" The maid answered: "Oh, that's simple. When I say 'he's not up' I mean he has not got up, and when I say 'he's not down', I mean he has not yet come downstairs."

The Fumblerules of Grammar

The following humorous piece by William Safire appeared in The New York Times Magazine section on November 4, 1979, in the column "On Language". Each rule commits the exact fault it tells the reader to avoid; this is the reason for the use of the invented word "fumblerule," fumble being an attempt to grab hold of something but missing it.

Do you know many of these rules? Most are observed by serious writers, but a few, although they may be taught to schoolchildren, are unrealistic and are often not observed even by educated speakers.

Get together in groups to see how many of these "fumblerules" you can correct. What strict rules about the use of your language have you been taught?

Not long ago, I advertised for perverse rules of grammar, along the lines of "Remember to never split an infinitive" and "The passive voice should never be used." The notion of making a mistake while laying down rules ("Thimk," "We Never Make Misteaks") is highly unoriginal, and it turns out that English teachers have been circulating lists of fumblerules for years.

As owner of the world's largest collection, and with thanks to scores of readers, let me pass along a bunch of these never-say-neverisms:

• Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.

• Don't use no double negatives.

• Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it isn't.

• Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed.

• Do not put statements in the negative form.

• Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

• No sentence fragments.

• Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

• Avoid commas, that are not necessary.

• If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

Educated or Standard English is that naturally used by most college-educated people who fill positions of social, financial, and professional influence in the community. Some people learn it as their native speech, if they come from families that already belong to this social class. Others acquire it in the course of their schooling and later by conscious or unconscious imitation of their associates. Control of standard English does not, of course, guarantee professional, social, or financial success. But it is an almost indispensible attribute of those who attain such success.

In addition to its social importance, educated English is on the whole a more flexible and versatile instrument than the other social varieties. As the language of the professions and the learned disciplines, it is called on to express more complex ideas, for which it has developed an extensive vocabulary. Its grammar, too, is more complex, and it uses longer sentences with more levels of subordination. This does not mean that it presents greater difficulties to the listener or reader, provided he is familiar with its vocabulary and grammar. But the fact that it is often used to express complicated and difficault material means that, unskillfully used, it can be vague or obscure. When its resources of vocabulary and grammar are overexploited in the expression of simple ideas, it may become the inflated jargon sometimes called "gobbledygook".

With regard to personnel utilizing the premises after normal working hours, it is requested that precautions be observed to insure that all windows and doors are firmly secured and all illumination extinguished before vacating the building.

This is obviously only a much elaborated expression of the request that can be more simply and effectively stated:

If you work late, be sure to lock the doors and windows and turn off the lights when you leave.

In the first sense of the phrase "good English", this translation is good and the gobbledygook which it translates, though it contains no errors of grammar or usage, is incredibly bad.

The British version of standard English, RP, is the same for all speakers regardless of their place of origin. In America, however, there is no such thing as a single standard form of American English, especially in pronunciation. The nearest thing to it is the speech of anonymous radio and television announcers, which one linguist has aptly called "network English". In contrast to the well known individual commentators, who are allowed to use their native regional pronunciation, the network announcers all use a common version of English which is in most features that of the Inland Northern area.

Because of its nationwide use, network English is an acceptable standard form everywhere. But it is not a prestige dialect. Educated speakers in Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Richmond, Charleston, Atlanta, or New Orleans use the dialects of their own regions in educated form. The last five Presidents of the United States are a good example of the diversity of pronunciation to be found in standard English. President Johnson speaks the educated South Midland speech of Texas. President Kennedy’s Boston speech with its lack of postvocalic /r/ and its intrusive /r/ at the end of words like Cuba, was very distinctive. President Eisenhower’s speech was a good illustration of the Middle Western variety sometimes called General American. It betrayed his Kansas origin in spite of a military career that took him to many parts of the English speaking world. President Truman retained many of the South Midland features of his native Missouri, and President Roosevelt spoke the educated version of New York City speech, somewhat modified by his Harvard education and New England connections. Although most of these men had long careers in politics and frequently addressed nationwide audiences, each of them used the educated version of his native regional dialect.

1. What is the definition of Standard English in terms who uses it? How is it acquired? Give examples to make the meaning clear.

2. What is the author’s distinction between what is considered standard English in the USA and in Great Britain?

3. The USA speech areas:

• Northern (NY)

• Midland or General American (America from the East Coast to the West Coast)

• Southern (Southeast)

Can a speaker from one area understand the speech from another area? Why are some speech differences beginning to disappear?