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THE BOOK OF SNOBS
but quite passable – fond of port-wine, of his family, of country sports and agriculture, hospitably minded, with as pretty
a little patrimonial country-house as heart can desire, and
a thousand pounds a year. It is not much; but, ENTRE NOUS,
people can live for less, and not uncomfortably.
For instance, there is the doctor, whom Mrs. P. does not
condescend to visit: that man educates a mirific family, and
is loved by the poor for miles round: and gives them portwine for physic and medicine, gratis. And how those people
can get on with their pittance, as Mrs. Ponto says, is a wonder to HER.
Again, there is the clergyman, Doctor Chrysostom, – Mrs.
P. says they quarrelled about Puseyism, but I am given to
understand it was because Mrs. C. had the PAS of her at
the Haws – you may see what the value of his living is any
day in the “Clerical Guide;” but you don“t know what he
gives away.
Even Pettipois allows that, in whose eyes the Doctor“s
surplice is a scarlet abomination; and so does Pettipois do his
duty in his way, and administer not only his tracts and his
talk, but his money and his means to his people. As a lord“s
son, by the way, Mrs. Ponto is uncommonly anxious that he
should marry EITHER of the girls whom Lord Gules does not
intend to choose.
Well, although Pon“s income would make up almost as
much as that of these three worthies put together – oh, my
dear Madam, see in what hopeless penury the poor fellow
lives! What tenant can look to HIS forbearance? What poor
man can hope for HIS charity? “Master“s the best of men,”
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THACKERAY WILLIAM
honest Stripes says, “and when we was in the ridgment a more
free-handed chap didn“t live. But the way in which Missus DU
scryou, I wonder the young ladies is alive, that I du!”
They live upon a fi ne governess and fi ne masters, and
have clothes made by Lady Carabas“s own milliner; and their
brother rides with earls to cover; and only the best people in
the county visit at the Evergreens, and Mrs. Ponto thinks herself a paragon of wives and mothers, and a wonder of the world,
for doing all this misery and humbug, and snobbishness, on
a thousand a year.
What an inexpressible comfort it was, my dear Madam,
when Stripes put my portmanteau in the four-wheeled chaise,
and (poor P on being touched with sciatica) drove me over to
“Carabas Arms” at Guttlebury, where we took leave. There
were some bagmen there in the Commercial Room, and one
talked about the house he represented; and another about his
dinner, and a third about the Inns on the road, and so forth –
a talk, not very wise, but honest and to the purpose – about
as good as that of the country gentlemen: and oh, how much
pleasanter than listening to Miss Wirt“s show-pieces on
the piano, and Mrs. Ponto“s genteel cackle about the fashion
and the county families!
CHAPTER XXXII
SNOBBIUM GATHERUM
When I see the great effect which these papers are producing on an intelligent public, I have a strong hope that before
long we shall have a regular Snob department in the newspapers, just as we have the Police Courts and the Court News at
present. When a fl agrant case of bone-crushing or Poor-law
abuse occurs in the world, who so eloquent as THE TIMES to
point it out? When a gross instance of Snobbishness happens,
why should not the indignant journalist call the public attention to that delinquency too?
How, for instance, could that wonderful case of the Earl of
Mangelwurzel and his brother be examined in the Snobbish
point of view? Let alone the hectoring, the bullying, the vapouring, the bad grammar, the mutual recriminations, lie-givings, challenges, retractations, which abound in the fraternal
dispute – put out of the question these points as concerning
the individual nobleman and his relative, with whose personal
affairs we have nothing to do – and consider how intimately
corrupt, how habitually grovelling and mean, how entirely
Snobbish in a word, a whole county must be which can fi nd no
better chiefs or leaders than these two gentlemen. “We don“t
want,” the great county of Mangelwurzelshire seems to say,
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THACKERAY WILLIAM
“that a man should be able to write good grammar; or that he
should keep a Christian tongue in his head; or that he should
have the commonest decency of temper, or even a fair share of
good sense, in order to represent us in Parliament.
All we require is, that a man should be recommended to us
by the Earl of Mangelwurzelshire. And all that we require of
the Earl of Mangelwurzelshire is that he should have fi fty
thousand a year and hunt the country.” O you pride of all
Snobland! O you crawling, truckling, self-confessed lackeys
and parasites!
But this is growing too savage: don“t let us forget our usual amenity, and that tone of playfulness and sentiment with
which the beloved reader and writer have pursued their mutual refl ections hitherto. Well, Snobbishness pervades the little Social Farce as well as the great State Comedy; and the selfsame moral is tacked to either.
There was, for instance, an account in the papers of
a young lady who, misled by a fortune-teller, actually went
part of the way to India (as far as Bagnigge Wells, I think,) in
search of a husband who was promised her there. Do you suppose this poor deluded little soul would have left her shop
for a man below her in rank, or for anything but a darling of
a Captain in epaulets and a red coat. It was her Snobbish
sentiment that misled her, and made her vanities a prey to
the swindling fortune-teller.
Case 2 was that of Mademoiselle de Saugrenue, “the interesting young Frenchwoman with a profusion of jetty ringlets,”
who lived for nothing at a boardinghouse at Gosport, was then
conveyed to Fareham gratis: and being there, and lying on
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THE BOOK OF SNOBS
the bed of the good old lady her entertainer, the dear girl
took occasion to rip open the mattress, and steal a cash-box,
with which she fl ed to London. How would you account for
the prodigious benevolence exercised towards the interesting
young French lady? Was it her jetty ringlets or her charming
face? – Bah! Do ladies love others for having faces and black
hair? – she said SHE WAS A RELATION OF de Saugrenue:
talked of her ladyship her aunt, and of herself as a De Saugrenue. The honest boarding-house people were at her feet at
once. Good, honest, simple, lord-loving children of Snobland.
Finally, there was the case of “the Right Honourable Mr.
Vernon,” at York. The Right Honourable was the son of a nobleman, and practised on an old lady. He procured from her
dinners, money, wearing-apparel, spoons, implicit credence,
and an entire refi t of linen. Then he cast his nets over a family of father, mother, and daughters, one of whom he proposed to marry. The father lent him money, the mother made
jams and pickles for him, the daughters vied with each other in cooking dinners for the Right Honourable – and what
was the end? One day the traitor fl ed, with a teapot and a basketful of cold victuals. It was the “Right Honourable” which
baited the hook which gorged all these greedy, simple Snobs.
Would they have been taken in by a commoner? What old
lady is there, my dear sir, who would take in you and me, were
we ever so ill to do, and comfort us, and clothe us, and give us
her money, and her silver forks? Alas and alas! what mortal
man that speaks the truth can hope for such a landlady? And
yet, all these instances of fond and credulous Snobbishness
175
THACKERAY WILLIAM
have occurred in the same week“s paper, with who knows how
many score more?
Just as we had concluded the above remarks comes a pretty little note sealed with a pretty little butterfl y – bearing
a northern postmark – and to the following effect: –
“19th November.
“Mr. Punch, – “Taking great interest in your Snob Papers,
we are very anxious to know under what class of that respectable fraternity you would designate us.
“We are three sisters, from seventeen to twenty-two. Our
father is HONESTLY AND TRULY of a very good family
(you will say it is Snobbish to mention that, but I wish to state
the plain fact); our maternal grandfather was an Earl.”
“We CAN afford to take in a stamped edition of YOU, and
all Dickens” works as fast as they come out, but we do NOT
keep such a thing as a PEERAGE or even a BARONETAGE in
the house.
“We live with every comfort, excellent cellar, &c. &c.; but
as we cannot well afford a butler, we have a neat table-maid
(though our father was a military man, has travelled much,
been in the best society, &c.) We HAVE a coachman and helper, but we don“t put the latter into buttons, nor make them
wait at table, like Stripes and Tummus.”
3
“We are just the same to persons with a handle to their
name as to those without it. We wear a moderate modicum of
2
2
The introduction of Grandpapa, is I fear, Snobbish.
3
That is, as you like. I don“t object to buttons in moderation.
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THE BOOK OF SNOBS
4
crinoline,
and abundant dinners on CHINA though we have plate
and are never limp5 in the morning. We have good
6
, and
just as good when alone as with company.
“Now, my dear MR. PUNCH, will you PLEASE give us
a short answer in your next number, and I will be SO much
obliged to you. Nobody knows we are writing to you, not even
7
our father; nor will we ever tease
you again if you will only
give us an answer – just for FUN, now do!
“If you get as far as this, which is doubtful, you will probably fl ing it into the fi re. If you do, I cannot help it; but I am of
a sanguine disposition, and entertain a lingering hope. At all
events, I shall be impatient for next Sunday, for you reach
us on that day, and I am ashamed to confess, we CANNOT
resist opening you in the carriage driving home from church.
8
“I remain, &c. &c., for myself and sisters.
Excuse this scrawl, but I always write headlong.
9
“P. S. – You were rather stupid last week, don“t you think?10
We keep no gamekeeper, and yet have always abundant game
for friends to shoot, in spite of the poachers. We never write on
perfumed paper – in short, I can“t help thinking that if you
knew us you would not think us Snobs.”
4
Quite right.
5
Bless you!
6
Snobbish; and I doubt whether you ought to dine as well
alone as with company. You will be getting too good dinners.
7
We like to be teased; but tell Papa.
8
O garters and stars! what will Captain Gordon and Exeter
Hall say to this?
9
Dear little enthusiast!
10
You were never more mistaken, miss, in your life.
177
THACKERAY WILLIAM
To this I reply in the following manner: – “My dear young
ladies, I know your post-town: and shall be at church there
the Sunday AFTER next; when, will you please to wear a tulip or some little trifl e in your bonnets, so that I may know
you? You will recognize me and my dress – a quiet-looking
young fellow, in a white top-coat, a crimson satin neckcloth,
light blue trousers, with glossy tipped boots, and an emerald
breast-pin. I shall have a black crape round my white hat;
and my usual bamboo cane with the richly-gilt knob. I am
sorry there will be no time to get up moustaches between
now and next week.
“From seventeen to two-and-twenty! Ye gods! what ages!
Dear young creatures, I can see you all three. Seventeen suits
me, as nearest my own time of life; but mind, I don“t say twoand-twenty is too old. No, no. And that pretty, roguish, demure,
middle one. Peace, peace, thou silly little fl uttering heart!
“YOU Snobs, dear young ladies! I will pull any man“s nose
who says so. There is no harm in being of a good family. You
can“t help it, poor dears. What“s in a name? What is in a handle to it? I confess openly that I should not object to being
a Duke myself; and between ourselves you might see a worse
leg for a garter.
“YOU Snobs, dear little good-natured things, no that is,
I hope not – I think not – I won“t be too confi dent – none of
us should be – that we are not Snobs. That very confi dence
savours of arrogance, and to be arrogant is to be a Snob. In all
the social gradations from sneak to tyrant, nature has placed
a most wondrous and various progeny of Snobs. But are there
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THE BOOK OF SNOBS
no kindly natures, no tender hearts, no souls humble, simple,
and truth-loving? Ponder well on this question, sweet young
ladies. And if you can answer it, as no doubt you can – lucky are
you – and lucky the respected Herr Papa, and lucky the three
handsome young gentlemen who are about to become each
others” brothers-in-law.”
CHAPTER XXXIII
SNOBS AND MARRIAGE
Everybody of the middle rank who walks through this life
with a sympathy for his companions on the same journey – at
any rate, every man who has been jostling in the world for
some three or four lustres – must make no end of melancholy
refl ections upon the fate of those victims whom Society, that is,
Snobbishness, is immolating every day. With love and simplicity and natural kindness Snobbishness is perpetually at war.
People dare not be happy for fear of Snobs. People dare not
love for fear of Snobs. People pine away lonely under the tyranny of Snobs. Honest kindly hearts dry up and die. Gallant
generous lads, blooming with hearty youth, swell into bloated
old-bachelorhood, and burst and tumble over. Tender girls
wither into shrunken decay, and perish solitary, from whom
Snobbishness has cut off the common claim to happiness and
affection with which Nature endowed us all. My heart grows
sad as I see the blundering tyrant“s handiwork. As I behold it
I swell with cheap rage, and glow with fury against the Snob.
Come down, I say, thou skulking dulness! Come down, thou
stupid bully, and give up thy brutal ghost! And I arm myself
with the sword and spear, and taking leave of my family, go
forth to do battle with that hideous ogre and giant, that bru-
180
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