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COLLECTED SKETCHES
a very amiable bald gentleman, who was dispensing the contents. We thought the bashful young gentleman would have
gone off in an apoplectic fi t, consequent upon the violent rush
of blood to his face at the occurrence of this catastrophe.
From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the
fancy, that it was ‘all up’ with the bashful young gentleman,
and so indeed it was. Several benevolent persons endeavoured
to relieve his embarrassment by taking wine with him, but
fi nding that it only augmented his sufferings, and that after
mingling sherry, champagne, hock, and moselle together, he
applied the greater part of the mixture externally, instead of
internally, they gradually dropped off, and left him to the exclusive care of the talkative lady, who, not noting the wildness of his eye, fi rmly believed she had secured a listener. He
broke a glass or two in the course of the meal, and disappeared
shortly afterwards; it is inferred that he went away in some
confusion, inasmuch as he left the house in another gentleman’s coat, and the footman’s hat.
This little incident led us to refl ect upon the most prominent characteristics of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and as this portable volume will be the great text-book
of young ladies in all future generations, we record them here
for their guidance and behoof.
If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner,
chance to stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of
his acquaintance, nothing can exceed his confusion and agitation. His fi rst impulse is to make a great variety of bows, and
dart past them, which he does until, observing that they wish
to stop, but are uncertain whether to do so or not, he makes
several feints of returning, which causes them to do the same;
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CHARLES DICKENS
and at length, after a great quantity of unnecessary dodging
and falling up against the other passengers, he returns and
shakes hands most affectionately with all of them, in doing
which he knocks out of their grasp sundry little parcels, which
he hastily picks up, and returns very muddy and disordered.
The chances are that the bashful young gentleman then observes it is very fi ne weather, and being reminded that it has
only just left off raining for the fi rst time these three days, he
blushes very much, and smiles as if he had said a very good
thing. The young lady who was most anxious to speak, here
inquires, with an air of great commiseration, how his dear sister Harriet is to-day; to which the young gentleman, without
the slightest consideration, replies with many thanks, that she
is remarkably well. ‘Well, Mr. Hopkins!’ cries the young lady,
‘why, we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and have been
perfectly miserable about her.’ ‘Oh, ah,’ says the young gentleman, ‘so she was. Oh, she’s very ill, very ill indeed.’ The young
gentleman then shakes his head, and looks very desponding
(he has been smiling perpetually up to this time), and after
a short pause, gives his glove a great wrench at the wrist, and
says, with a strong emphasis on the adjective, ‘GOOD morning, GOOD morning.’ And making a great number of bows in
acknowledgment of several little messages to his sister, walks
backward a few paces, and comes with great violence against
a lamp-post, knocking his hat off in the contact, which in his
mental confusion and bodily pain he is going to walk away
without, until a great roar from a carter attracts his attention,
when he picks it up, and tries to smile cheerfully to the young
ladies, who are looking back, and who, he has the satisfaction
of seeing, are all laughing heartily.
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COLLECTED SKETCHES
At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always
remains as near the entrance of the room as possible, from
which position he smiles at the people he knows as they come
in, and sometimes steps forward to shake hands with more
intimate friends: a process which on each repetition seems to
turn him a deeper scarlet than before. He declines dancing the
fi rst set or two, observing, in a faint voice, that he would rather wait a little; but at length is absolutely compelled to allow
himself to be introduced to a partner, when he is led, in a great
heat and blushing furiously, across the room to a spot where
half-a-dozen unknown ladies are congregated together.
‘Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next
quadrille.’ Miss Lambert inclines her head graciously. Mr.
Hopkins bows, and his fair conductress disappears, leaving
Mr. Hopkins, as he too well knows, to make himself agreeable.
The young lady more than half expects that the bashful young
gentleman will say something, and the bashful young gentleman feeling this, seriously thinks whether he has got anything
to say, which, upon mature refl ection, he is rather disposed to
conclude he has not, since nothing occurs to him. Meanwhile,
the young lady, after several inspections of her bouquet, all
made in the expectation that the bashful young gentleman is
going to talk, whispers her mamma, who is sitting next her,
which whisper the bashful young gentleman immediately
suspects (and possibly with very good reason) must be about
HIM. In this comfortable condition he remains until it is time
to ‘stand up,’ when murmuring a ‘Will you allow me?’ he gives
the young lady his arm, and after inquiring where she will
stand, and receiving a reply that she has no choice, conducts
her to the remotest corner of the quadrille, and making one
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CHARLES DICKENS
attempt at conversation, which turns out a desperate failure,
preserves a profound silence until it is all over, when he walks
her twice round the room, deposits her in her old seat, and
retires in confusion.
A married bashful gentleman – for these bashful gentlemen do get married sometimes; how it is ever brought about,
is a mystery to us – a married bashful gentleman either causes
his wife to appear bold by contrast, or merges her proper importance in his own insignifi cance. Bashful young gentlemen
should be cured, or avoided. They are never hopeless, and
never will be, while female beauty and attractions retain their
infl uence, as any young lady will fi nd, who may think it worth
while on this confi dent assurance to take a patient in hand.
THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG
GENTLEMAN
Out-and-out young gentlemen may be divided into two
classes – those who have something to do, and those who have
nothing. I shall commence with the former, because that species come more frequently under the notice of young ladies,
whom it is our province to warn and to instruct.
The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great
dresser, his instructions to his tailor being all comprehended
in the one general direction to ‘make that what’s-a-name a
regular bang-up sort of thing.’ For some years past, the favourite costume of the out-and-out young gentleman has been a
rough pilot coat, with two gilt hooks and eyes to the velvet
collar; buttons somewhat larger than crown-pieces; a black
or fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a wide-brimmed hat, with
a low crown; tightish inexpressibles, and iron-shod boots. Out
of doors he sometimes carries a large ash stick, but only on
special occasions, for he prefers keeping his hands in his coat
pockets. He smokes at all hours, of course, and swears considerably.
The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city
counting-house or solicitor’s offi ce, in which he does as little
as he possibly can: his chief places of resort are, the streets, the
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CHARLES DICKENS
taverns, and the theatres. In the streets at evening time, outand-out young gentlemen have a pleasant custom of walking
six or eight abreast, thus driving females and other inoffensive persons into the road, which never fails to afford them
the highest satisfaction, especially if there be any immediate
danger of their being run over, which enhances the fun of the
thing materially. In all places of public resort, the out-andouters are careful to select each a seat to himself, upon which
he lies at full length, and (if the weather be very dirty, but not
in any other case) he lies with his knees up, and the soles of
his boots planted fi rmly on the cushion, so that if any low fellow should ask him to make room for a lady, he takes ample
revenge upon her dress, without going at all out of his way to
do it. He always sits with his hat on, and fl ourishes his stick in
the air while the play is proceeding, with a dignifi ed contempt
of the performance; if it be possible for one or two out-and-out
young gentlemen to get up a little crowding in the passages,
they are quite in their element, squeezing, pushing, whooping, and shouting in the most humorous manner possible. If
they can only succeed in irritating the gentleman who has a
family of daughters under his charge, they are like to die with
laughing, and boast of it among their companions for a week
afterwards, adding, that one or two of them were ‘devilish fi ne
girls,’ and that they really thought the youngest would have
fainted, which was the only thing wanted to render the joke
complete.
If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and
sisters, of course he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they (poor things!) having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too weak-spirited and moping for him. Sometimes,
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COLLECTED SKETCHES
however, on a birth-day or at Christmas-time, he cannot very
well help accompanying them to a party at some old friend’s,
with which view he comes home when they have been dressed
an hour or two, smelling very strongly of tobacco and spirits,
and after exchanging his rough coat for some more suitable attire (in which however he loses nothing of the out-and-outer),
gets into the coach and grumbles all the way at his own good
nature: his bitter refl ections aggravated by the recollection,
that Tom Smith has taken the chair at a little impromptu dinner at a fi ghting man’s, and that a set-to was to take place on
a dining-table, between the fi ghting man and his brother-inlaw, which is probably ‘coming off’ at that very instant.
As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his
ease in ladies’ society, he shrinks into a corner of the drawingroom when they reach the friend’s, and unless one of his sisters is kind enough to talk to him, remains there without being much troubled by the attentions of other people, until he
espies, lingering outside the door, another gentleman, whom
he at once knows, by his air and manner (for there is a kind of
free-masonry in the craft), to be a brother out-and-outer, and
towards whom he accordingly makes his way. Conversation
being soon opened by some casual remark, the second outand-outer confi dentially informs the fi rst, that he is one of the
rough sort and hates that kind of thing, only he couldn’t very
well be off coming; to which the other replies, that that’s just
his case – ‘and I’ll tell you what,’ continues the out-and-outer
in a whisper, ‘I should like a glass of warm brandy and water
just now,’ – ‘Or a pint of stout and a pipe,’ suggests the other
out-and-outer.
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CHARLES DICKENS
The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic
souls; each of them says at the same moment, that he sees the
other understands what’s what: and they become fast friends
at once, more especially when it appears, that the second
out-and-outer is no other than a gentleman, long favourably known to his familiars as ‘Mr. Warmint Blake,’ who upon
divers occasions has distinguished himself in a manner that
would not have disgraced the fi ghting man, and who – having been a pretty long time about town – had the honour of
once shaking hands with the celebrated Mr. Thurtell himself.
At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves,
brightening up very much when the ladies leave the table, and
proclaiming aloud their intention of beginning to spend the
evening – a process which is generally understood to be satisfactorily performed, when a great deal of wine is drunk and
a great deal of noise made, both of which feats the out-andout young gentlemen execute to perfection. Having protracted
their sitting until long after the host and the other guests have
adjourned to the drawing-room, and fi nding that they have
drained the decanters empty, they follow them thither with
complexions rather heightened, and faces rather bloated with
wine; and the agitated lady of the house whispers her friends
as they waltz together, to the great terror of the whole room,
that ‘both Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins are very nice sort of
young men in their way, only they are eccentric persons, and
unfortunately RATHER TOO WILD!’
The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is
composed of persons, who, having no money of their own
and a soul above earning any, enjoy similar pleasures, nobody
knows how. These respectable gentlemen, without aiming
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COLLECTED SKETCHES
quite so much at the out-and-out in external appearance, are
distinguished by all the same amiable and attractive characteristics, in an equal or perhaps greater degree, and now and
then fi nd their way into society, through the medium of the
other class of out-and-out young gentlemen, who will sometimes carry them home, and who usually pay their tavern bills.
As they are equally gentlemanly, clever, witty, intelligent, wise,
and well-bred, we need scarcely have recommended them to
the peculiar consideration of the young ladies, if it were not
that some of the gentle creatures whom we hold in such high
respect, are perhaps a little too apt to confound a great many
heavier terms with the light word eccentricity, which we beg
them henceforth to take in a strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude of construction.
THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG
GENTLEMAN
We know – and all people know – so many specimens of
this class, that in selecting the few heads our limits enable us
to take from a great number, we have been induced to give the
very friendly young gentleman the preference over many others, to whose claims upon a more cursory view of the question
we had felt disposed to assign the priority.
The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to everybody, but he attaches himself particularly to two, or at most
to three families: regulating his choice by their dinners, their
circle of acquaintance, or some other criterion in which he has
an immediate interest. He is of any age between twenty and
forty, unmarried of course, must be fond of children, and is
expected to make himself generally useful if possible. Let us
illustrate our meaning by an example, which is the shortest
mode and the clearest.
We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom
we had lost sight for some years, and who – expressing a strong
anxiety to renew our former intimacy – urged us to dine with
him on an early day, that we might talk over old times. We
readily assented, adding, that we hoped we should be alone.
‘Oh, certainly, certainly,’ said our friend, ‘not a soul with us but
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