Rolling Stones

ROLLING STONES

me along from one to another without much change. But never yet, in any story, have I failed to dine at # 4.B

œYou will fail this time,B I said, emphatically.

œPerhaps so,B admitted Van Sweller, looking out of the window into the street below, œbut if so It will be for the first time. The authors all send me there. I fancy that many of them would have liked to accompany me, but for the little matter of the expense.B

œI say I will be touting for no restaurant,B I repeated, loudly. œYou are subject to my will, and I declare that you shall not appear of record this evening until the time arrives for you to rescue Miss Ffolliott again. If the reading public cannot conceive that you have dined during that interval at some one of the thousands of establishments provided for that purpose that do not receive literary advertisement It may suppose, for aught I care, that you have gone fasting.B

œThank you,B said Van Sweller, rather coolly, œyou are hardly courteous. But take care! It is at your own risk that you attempt to disregard a fundamental principle in metropolitan fiction # one that is dear alike to author and reader. I shall, of course attend to my duty when It comes time to rescue your heroine; but I warn you that It will be your loss if you fail to send me to-night to dine at # 5.B

4See advertising column, "Where to Dine Well," in the daily newspapers.

5See advertising column, "Where to Dine Well," in the daily newspapers.

141

O. HENRY

œI will take the consequences if there are to be any,B I replied. œI am not yet come to be sandwich man for an eating-house.B

I walked over to a table where I had left my cane and gloves. I heard the whirr of the alarm in the cab below and I turned quickly. Van Sweller was gone.

I rushed down the stairs and out to the curb. An empty hansom was just passing. I hailed the driver excitedly.

œSee that auto cab halfway down the block?B I shouted. œFollow it. Don’t lose sight of It for an instant, and I will give you two dollars!B

If I only had been one of the characters in my story instead of myself I could easily have offered $10 or $25 or even $100. But $2 was all I felt justified in expending, with fiction at its present rates.

The cab driver, instead of lashing his animal into a foam,

I found Van Sweller at a table under a palm, just glancing over the menu, with a hopeful waiter hovering at his elbow.

œCome with me,B I said, inexorably. œYou will not give me the slip again. Under my eye you shall remain until 11:30.B

142

ROLLING STONES

Van Sweller countermanded the order for his dinner,

a hungry but live author who comes to drag him forth from a restaurant. All he said was: œYou were just in time; but I think you are making a mistake. You cannot afford to ignore the wishes of the great reading public.B

I took Van Sweller to my own rooms # to my room. He had never seen anything like It before.

œSIt on that trunk,B I said to him, œwhile I observe whether the landlady is stalking us. If she is not, I will get things at a delicatessen store below, and cook something for you in a pan over the gas jet. It will not be so bad. Of course nothing of this will appear in the story.B

œJove! old man!B said Van Sweller, looking about him with interest, œthis is a jolly little closet you live in! Where the devil do you sleep? # Oh, that pulls down! And I say # what is this under the corner of the carpet? # Oh, a frying pan! I see # clever idea! Fancy cooking over the gas! What larks It will be!B

œThink of anything you could eat?B I asked; œtry a chop, or what?B

œAnything,B said Van Sweller, enthusiastically, œexcept a grilled bone.B

Two weeks afterward the postman brought me a large, fat envelope. I opened it, and took out something that I had seen before, and this typewritten letter from a magazine that encourages society fiction:

143

O. HENRY

Your short story, œThe Badge of Policeman O’Roon,B is herewith returned.

We are sorry that It has been unfavorably passed upon; but It seems to lack in some of the essential requirements of our publication.

The story is splendidly constructed; its style is strong and inimitable, and its action and character-drawing deserve the highest praise. As a story per se It has merIt beyond anything that we have read for some time. But, as we have said, It fails to come up to some of the standards we have set.

Could you not re-write the story, and inject into It the social atmosphere, and return It to us for further consideration? It is suggested to you that you have the hero, Van Sweller, drop in for luncheon or dinner once or twice at # 7or at the # 8 which will be in line with the changes desired.

Very truly yours,The Editors.

7See advertising column, "Where to Dine Well," in the daily newspapers.

8See advertising column, "Where to Dine Well," in the daily newspapers.

SOUND AND FURY

P E R S O N S O F T H E D R A M A

Mr. Penne Miss Lore

An Author An Amanuensis

Scene # Workroom of Mr. Penne’s popular novel factory.

Mr. Penne # Good morning, Miss Lore. Glad to see you so prompt. We should finish that June installment for the Epoch to-day. Leverett is crowding me for it. Are you quite ready? We will resume where we left off yesterday. (Dictates.) œKate, with a sigh, rose from his knees, and # œ

Miss Lore # Excuse me; you mean œrose from her knees,B instead of œhis,B don’t you?

Mr. Penne # Er # no # œhis,B if you please. It is the love scene in the garden. (Dictates.) œRose from his knees where, blushing with youth’s bewitching coyness, she had rested for a moment after Cortland had declared his love. The hour was one of supreme and tender joy. When Kate # scene that Cortland never # œ

145

O. HENRY

Miss Lore # Excuse me; but wouldn’t It be more grammatical to say œwhen Kate saw,B instead of œseenB?

Mr. Penne # The context will explain. (Dictates.) œWhen Kate # scene that Cortland never forgot # came tripping across the lawn It seemed to him the fairest sight that earth had ever offered to his gaze.B

Miss Lore # Oh!

Mr. Penne (dictates) # œKate had abandoned herself to the joy of her new-found love so completely, that no shadow of her former grief was cast upon it. Cortland, with his arm firmly entwined about her waist, knew nothing of her sighs # œ

Miss Lore # Goodness! If he couldn’t tell her size with his arm around #

Mr. Penne (frowning) # œOf her sighs and tears of the previous night.B

Miss Lore # Oh!

Mr. Penne (dictates) # œTo Cortland the chief charm of this girl was her look of innocence and unworldiness. Never had nun # œ

Miss Lore # How about changing that to œnever had any?B

Mr. Penne (emphatically) # œNever had nun in cloistered cell a face more sweet and pure.B

Miss Lore # Oh!

Mr. Penne (dictates) # œBut now Kate must hasten back to the house lest her absence be discovered. After a fond farewell she turned and sped lightly away. Cortland’s gaze followed her. He watched her rise # œ

146

ROLLING STONES

Miss Lore # Excuse me, Mr. Penne; but how could he watch her eyes while her back was turned toward him?

Mr. Penne (with extreme politeness) # Possibly you would gather my meaning more intelligently if you would waIt for the conclusion of the sentence. (Dictates.) œWatched her rise as gracefully as a fawn as she mounted the eastern terrace.B

Miss Lore # Oh!

Mr. Penne (dictates) # œAnd yet Cortland’s position was so far above that of this rustic maiden that he dreaded to consider the social upheaval that would ensue should he marry her. In no uncertain tones the traditional voices of his caste and world cried out loudly to him to let her go. What should follow # œ

Miss Lore (looking up with a start) # I’m sure I can’t say, Mr. Penne. Unless (with a giggle) you would want to add œGallegher.B

Mr. Penne (coldly) # Pardon me. I was not seeking to impose upon you the task of a collaborator. Kindly consider the question a part of the text.

Miss Lore # Oh!

Mr. Penne (dictates) # œOn one side was love and Kate; on the other side his heritage of social position and family pride. Would love win? Love, that the poets tell us will last forever! (Perceives that Miss Lore looks fatigued, and looks at his watch.) That’s a good long stretch. Perhaps we’d better knock off a bit.B

(Miss Lore does not reply.)

Mr. Penne # I said, Miss Lore, we’ve been at It quite a long time # wouldn’t you like to knock off for a while?

147

O. HENRY

Miss Lore # Oh! Were you addressing me before? I put what you said down. I thought It belonged in the story. It seemed to fIt in all right. Oh, no; I’m not tired.

Mr. Penne # Very well, then, we will continue. (Dictates.) œIn spite of these qualms and doubts, Cortland was a happy man. That night at the club he silently toasted Kate’s bright eyes in a bumper of the rarest vintage. Afterward he set out for a stroll with, as Kate on # œ

Miss Lore # Excuse me, Mr. Penne, for venturing a suggestion; but don’t you think you might state that in a less coarse manner?

Mr. Penne (astounded) # Wh-wh # I’m afraid I fail to understand you.

Miss Lore # His condition. Why not say he was œfullB or œintoxicatedB? It would sound much more elegant than the way you express it.

Mr. Penne (still darkly wandering) # Will you kindly point out, Miss Lore, where I have intimated that Cortland was œfull,B if you prefer that word?

Miss Lore (calmly consulting her stenographic notes) # It is right here, word for word. (Reads.) œAfterward he set out for a stroll with a skate on.B

Mr. Penne (with peculiar emphasis) # Ah! And now will you kindly take down the expurgated phrase? (Dictates.) œAfterward he set out for a stroll with, as Kate on one occasion had fancifully told him, her spirIt leaning upon his arm.B

Miss Lore # Oh!

148

ROLLING STONES

Mr. Penne (dictates) # Chapter thirty-four. Heading # œWhat Kate Found in the Garden.B œThat fragrant summer morning brought gracious tasks to all. The bees were at the honeysuckle blossoms on the porch. Kate, singing a little song, was training the riotous branches of her favorite woodbine. The sun, himself, had rows # œ

Miss Lore # Shall I say œhad risenB?

Mr. Penne (very slowly and with desperate deliberation) # œThe # sun # himself # had # rows # of # blushing # pinks # and # hollyhocks # and # hyacinths # waiting # that # he # might # dry # their # dew-drenched # cups.B

Miss Lore # Oh!

Mr. Penne (dictates) # œThe earliest trolley, scattering the birds from its pathway like some marauding cat, brought Cortland over from Oldport. He had forgotten his fair # œ Miss Lore # Hm! Wonder how he got the conductor

to #

Mr. Penne (very loudly) # œForgotten his fair and roseate visions of the night in the practical light of the sober morn.B

Miss Lore # Oh!

Mr. Penne (dictates) # œHe greeted her with his usual smile and manner. 4See the waves,’ he cried, pointing to the heaving waters of the sea, 4ever wooing and returning to the rockbound shore.’B œ’Ready to break,’ Kate said, with # œ Miss Lore # My! One evening he has his arm around her, and the next morning he’s ready to break her head! Just like a man!

149