Additional exercises

Exercise 1. Translate the texts. Медицинский юмор

1

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in a week.” “And did he keep his word?” “Sure, I've had to sell my car to pay for the treatment.”

1 “Oh, doctor,” said a pompous rich man, certainly I have sent for you; still, I must confess that I have not the slightest faith in modern medical science.” “Well, that does not matter in the least. You see, an ass / a donkey has no faith in the veterinary, and yet the vet cures the animal all the same.” 3 A physician was sent for by a rich man with a bad temper. “Well, sir, what's the matter?” the doctor asked. “That, sir,” said the patient crossly, “is for you to find out.” “I see,” said the physician thoughtfully. “Well, if you excuse me for half an hour I'll go and get a friend of mine - a veterinary. He is the only man I know who can make a diagnosis without asking questions.” 4

A woman comes to the vet saying, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all day."  The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm afraid your dog is dead." "Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you can run?"  The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet-carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage. "Well," says the vet, "that pretty much proves it. He's dead." "I guess you're right," says the woman. She is coming to grips with what happened. "At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?" "$230." "$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?"  "It's $30 for the office visit," explains the vet, "and $200 for the cat scan."

1.2. Consulting a Doctor.

Doctor: Well, what’s the matter with you, Mr. Walker? Patient: You’d better ask me what is not the matter with me, doctor. I seem to be suffering from all the illness imaginable: insomnia, headache, backache, indigestion, constipation and pains in the stomach. To make things still worse, I’ve caught a cold, I’ve got a sore throat, and I’m constantly sneezing and coughing. To crown it all, I had an accident the other day, hurt my right shoulder, leg and knee, and nearly broke my neck. If I take a long walk, I get short of breath. In fact, I feel more dead than alive. Doctor: I’m sorry to hear that. Anyhow, I hope things aren’t as bad as you imagine. Let me examine you. Your heart, chest and lungs seem to be all right. Now open your mouth and show me you tongue. Now breathe in deeply through the nose… There doesn’t seem to be anything radically wrong with you, but it’s quite clear that you’re run down, and if you don’t take care of yourself, you may have a nervous breakdown and have to go to hospital. I advise you, first of all, to stop worrying. Take a long rest, have regular meals, keep to a diet of salads and fruit, and very little meat. Keep off alcohol. If possible, give up smoking, at least for a time. Have this tonic made up and take two tablespoonfuls three times a day before meals. If you do this, I can promise you full recovery within two or three months. Patient: And if I don’t, doctor? Doctor: Then you’d better make your will, if you haven’t yet done so! Patient: I see. Well, thank you, doctor. I shall have to think it over and decide which is the lesser evil – to follow your advice or prepare for a better world!