Fighting below and above the Belt

Much like boxers in a ring, each of us has a "belt line." When you hit someone below the emotional belt line, a tactic called beltlining, you can inflict serious injury. When you hit above the belt, however, the person is able to absorb the blow. With most interpersonal relationships, especially those of long standing, we know where the belt line is. You know, for example, that to hit Pat with the inability to have children is to hit below the belt. You know that to hit Chris with the failure to get a permanent job is to hit below the belt. You know that to stress the number of years your colleague has been in the same position without a promotion is to hit below the belt. Hitting below the belt line causes everyone involved added problems. Keep blows to areas your opponent can absorb and handle.

Remember that the aim of interpersonal and small group conflict is not to win and have your opponent lose. Rather, it's to resolve a problem and strengthen the relationship or group. Keep this ultimate goal always in clear focus, especially when you're angry or hurt.

Face-Detracting and Face-Enhancing Strategies

Another dimension of conflict strategies is that of face orientation. Face-detracting or face-attacking strategies involve treating the other person as incompetent or untrustworthy, as unable or bad. Such attacks can vary from mildly embarrassing to severely damaging to the other person's ego or reputation.

Face-enhancing techniques, in contrast, help the other person maintain a positive image – an image as competent and trustworthy, able and good. There's some evidence to show that even when, say, you get what you want in a bargaining situation, it is wise to help the other person retain positive face. This makes it less likely that future conflicts will arise.

Not surprisingly, people are more likely to make a greater effort to support their opponent's "face" if they like the opponent than if they don't.

Nonassertive and Assertive Strategies

Nonassertiveness can be unproductive because it involves the failure to express your thoughts and feelings in certain or all communication situations. Nonassertive people often fail to assert their rights. In many instances these people do what others tell them to do – parents, employers, and the like – without questioning. They operate with a "you win, I lose" philosophy, giving others what they want without concern for themselves. Nonassertive people often ask permission from others to do what is their perfect right. They are often anxious in social situations and their self-esteem is likely to be low.

Assertiveness means acting in your own best interests without denying or infringing on the rights of others. Not surprisingly, assertiveness can be especially helpful in conflict situations. Assertive people operate with an "I win, you win" philosophy; they assume that both parties can gain something from conflict. Assertive people speak their minds and welcome others' doing likewise. Assertive people also tend to be more positive and generally score higher on measures of hopefulness than nonassertive individuals.

Here are a few suggestions to help you communicate more assertively:

• Describe the problem; don't evaluate or judge it: "We both want what's right for the kids, but we haven't gotten together to discuss the problems." Be sure to use I-messages and to avoid messages that accuse or blame the other person.

• State how this problem affects you: "I'm worrying about this during the day

and it's affecting my job."

• Propose solutions that are workable and that allow the person to save face:

"Let's make some time tomorrow to discuss how we want to handle things."

• Confirm understanding: "Would that be okay? Say, about eight?"