1. Why it is wrong to pressure a child into obedience?

A healthy sense of rebellion is a sign that a child's attachments are secure. 

Most parenting books are about how to get children to do things well. By well, read obediently. When and how you - the adult - want them to do something: eat well, pee in the potty, sleep well (that's the big one), behave well. The aim, it would seem, is to raise compliant children. Because, according to these books, obedient children = successful parents, disobedient = failures. But actually is an obedient child cause for concern or celebration? The more I think about it, the more intrigued I became by this question. Telling someone their child is obedient is (usually) meant as a compliment. But an obedient adult? Not quite so attractive is it? We have other words for that, doormat being one of them.

Alfie Kohn, author of 'Unconditional Parenting. Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason' says, "When I ask parents, at the beginning of my lectures, what their long term goals are for the children, I hear words such as ethical, compassionate, independent, happy and so on. No-one ever says mindlessly compliant."

A compliant child becomes a particular concern, Kohn admits, when they reach adolescence. "If they take their orders from other people, that may include people we may not approve of. To put it the other way around: kids who are subject to peer pressure at its worst are kids whose parents taught them to do what they're told."

So much of what we see as disobedience in children is actually just natural, curious, exploring, learning behaviour. Or reacting – in the only way they know how – to a situation over which they have no control.

You can threaten or bribe a child into obedience just for a little while, but you are missing the big picture and failing to address the underlying cause [of why they may not want to do something] which may be environmental – such as rushing a tired child through an unfamiliar place - or they may be psychological, such as fear about something else. A very obedient or complaint child – it depends, some are more docile by temperament - but others have created a false self because they sense their parent will only love them if they are obedient. The need for autonomy doesn't vanish because kids have been cowed into doing what they're told.

Being parents and teachers means having the courage to say 'I still have something to learn and I need to rethink what I'm doing'. It’s always better to use a 'working with', rather than a 'doing to' approach to children. In short, getting to know your child, listening to them. Talk less, ask more.

attachments – приспособление

compliant – покладистый

concern – опасение

doormat - "тряпка"

docile – покорный

2. What kinds of fear does the child experience?

Parents and teachers often worry about their children's fears and anxieties. You can help your children overcome fears and to have the confidence needed to be able to face up to the hard things that will happen in their lives.

Fear is a feeling that triggers a number of changes in the body. When something happens that a person is afraid of, the body prepares to either tackle the situation or to run away.

While fear has a particular cause (eg. a person, animal, situation that someone is afraid of), anxiety is a more general unpleasant feeling, where it may not be clear what the person is worried about.

Babies are born with an in-built response to sudden loud noises, some movements and anything unfamiliar or unusual. When babies are afraid, they cry. This is their only way to bring an adult to keep them safe.

Many babies develop a fear of strangers, generally sometime between 5 and 12 months of age, and this often lasts until they are up to two years old. They may even seem afraid of people they know fairly well, such as their grandparents.

Young children do not have an understanding of size, space and time, so they may, for example, be afraid of going down the plughole (or toilet) with the water. They can also be fearful of other people's powerful emotions. A parent's anger or despair can be very frightening to them.

Preschool and school age children (and most people) are afraid of things that they cannot understand or control, and strange or new situations or objects. They can be fearful of many things, because so much of the world is new to them.

Fear of being left alone at night or of the dark is still common among preschool children.

Children also have vivid imaginations, and some of the things that they imagine they also believe are real, eg. monsters (especially children under three, who don't yet really know what is real and what is not real).

Children of school age may be worried about burglars, afraid of having no friends, afraid of bullies, anxious about school work, or starting a new school or starting high school.

Older children often worry that their parents may separate, especially if they see this happening to friends' families, or if there are a lot of family arguments.

Many children worry that a parent may die.

Anxiety is infectious and can pass easily from one person to another. Worries and fears can pass easily from parent to child, and from child to parent.

Plughole - отверстие под пробку