Funky foods not to microwave in the office

Many workplaces no longer give employees a full lunch break. Or maybe you are doing your best to save some money and bring a lunch. You need to know that the microwave in the break room broadcasts the odor of your lunch. Notice I didn’t say aroma. An aroma is what it smells like to you. To everyone else, it’s an odor.

Avoid these odiferous microwave no-no’s:

• Popcorn. Yes, popcorn. Ask anybody. It stinks. And hangs there all day.

• Broccoli or cauliflower

• Soups with broccoli or cauliflower

• Onion soup

• Certain prepared meals, especially diet meals, are lethal.

• Last night’s Mexican combo plate

• Last night’s chicken tikka masala

• Lamb kabobs or lamb stew

• Exotic foods of the world will not make you a goodwill ambassador.

• Anything with vinegar. Phew.

There’s plenty other good stuff to eat. Unless you really enjoy getting the “WTF?” look as you walk back to your desk.

Chapter 27 Babes on a Plane

We all know there is no airline just for parents, OK? So when small kids need to fly, the question needs to be asked, how do we do this together? My feeling is this . . . We’ve got to try to give as much help as we can to the person who’s got the baby. Especially if you are the one stuck next to them. Love it or hate it . . . you will be stuck for hours—so help them out. They don’t want a screaming baby either. They don’t want the baby to do what it’s doing. But a baby’s going to do what babies do. And what do they do? They scream.

If you’re in a seat next to a screaming baby, you have two choices. You can simply turn to the person who’s got the kid and say, “What can I do to help you?” Or, you can say, “Is it really going to be that bad if you give the child what it wants?” Because for the five hours you’re going to be on this plane, the baby’s going to be really unhappy because it wants the keys, or the ring, or whatever.

Baby wants the toys.

The thing about babies on planes is that it’s not an “if.” No, it’s more like a “when” the screaming’s going to happen. But chances are, if you’re the parent, you kind of know what’s going to piss ’em off, and what’s not going to piss ’em off. Babies want to get down and walk around. They can’t. It’s not possible. Babies cannot walk up and down the aisles. So it helps to bring enough stuff along that keeps them occupied. As the parent, it is your responsibility to keep the baby entertained. Trust me, I know you want to sit back and close your eyes—even for just one glorious minute . . . God, what we would all give for just that one minute—but if you’re not traveling with someone else, you can’t.

If you are the lucky seatmate, earplugs may dampen all the sound, but if that baby is trying to roll out of the seat and get away from the mother and do all kinds of baby stuff, earplugs don’t mean squat. So do you want to make this work? Then I’d take out the earplugs and the first thing I’d say is, “What can I do to help you?” . . . By the way, you do know I mean to say that to the parent, right? You can say it to the baby if you want, but don’t expect much of an answer.

So-called “experienced parents” like to give advice to folks traveling for the first time on an airplane with a baby. Useless tips like “It’s important to remember that you’ll never see any of those people again.”

That only works for about five minutes. Because for the five hours that you’re with them, they are boring a hole into your head. Your skull is about to give like a Gulf oil leak . . . because your baby is just performing. And in airplanes, what do they have? A built-in audience that can’t move. For hours. So just get everything together. Have the bottle someplace where you can keep it handy. Have the baby toys that you know you will need.

Like I said, there’s no Parent Air, which is what I would start if I were going to start an airline. It’s a great idea and, if the right person is reading this book, we could start Parent Air.

In the meantime, I wish that the airlines provided baby things to play with. They could, maybe, give out little mobiles and things like that. Or those special crayons for little kids. Yeah, that’ll happen. Sure it will. The same day they stop charging for bags and the pilots come around to give in-flight neck rubs. So, in the meantime, just be prepared that it’s all on you and that your focus for the next five hours is going to be on the baby.

Oh, another thing . . . I know I may be piling on here, but this one is very important, OK?

If you’re a parent of a child who is going to—perhaps—act up, don’t pretend you don’t see it. Or hear it. Or that you don’t know that it’s freaking people out. Acknowledge it. And, at least, give the folks around you the look that says, “I don’t know what to do.” But don’t act like it’s not happening. Because that pisses people off even more. Don’t ignore it. And just because you’re allowed to fly with your baby, doesn’t give you the right not to care that other people who may not have children are going to be on there too. And they may not dig it. In fact, they may be very uncomfortable with it. And a “deal with it” attitude from you doesn’t really go far in making friends or having people like your baby. So let them see that you’re actively trying to do everything that you can do. Who knows, you may even win over some folks and get some help you didn’t expect.

It’s not an easy feat to take babies with you when you’re going somewhere, because they get crabby, they want stuff, and they want to be B-U-S-Y.

That’s why it’s not a bad idea to start practicing with the kid before you travel. Sit for ten minutes just holding on to the baby so they get used to it. Otherwise, it’s a new experience all around, and they won’t like it. And will they ever let you know. So just start doing little things that you know you’re going to have to do on the plane. Figure out ways to make it work, because you will be surrounded by other people who are trying to get through their nightmare too.

And, once again, a smile goes a very long way. It may not help, but it goes a very long way.

Chapter 28 A Civil Person’s Handy List: What to Bring for a Kid on a Plane

If you are a parent experienced in flying with children, turn the page. But plenty of new moms and dads haven’t yet been exposed to the joys of travel with kids. For you, here are some tips on what to bring along to make your trip better:

• Storybooks and coloring books. DO NOT forget the crayons.

• A silent electronic toy or game like a PSP

• Plastic keys

• Make a little photo album of friends and family to flip through.

• An MP3 player with headphones and kid music

• That special stuffed teddy bear or whatever makes your child feel relaxed

• Bring the Blankie. But be careful. Don’t forget it and leave it on the plane. It happens. Ask any shrink. I still fly with my Blankie.

The TSA does let you bring along formula, breast milk, medications, and baby food in reasonable sizes over the 3.4 ounce limit. They just want you to declare it to the agent when you get to the checkpoint. The rules change, though, so if you’re not sure, contact the airline or look on the TSA website: www.tsa.gov.

Chapter 29 Louder, They Can’t Hear You in the Lobby

Is it just me, or do people simply not recognize they are out in public? They seem to think they’re in their living rooms. Am I alone here? I think not.

If you are also getting irritated by this more and more and don’t know how to address the problem—and by “problem” I mean “those loud people who think they are home”—I may be able to help. I shall now address them on behalf of all of us: