Feminine talk

1. Use talk to build and sustain rapport with others.

2. Share yourself and learn about others through disclosing.

3. Use talk to create symmetry or equality between people.

4. Matching experiences with others shows understand­ing and empathy ("I know how you feel.")

5. To support others, express understanding of their feelings.

6. Include others in conversation by asking their opin­ions and encouraging them to elaborate. Wait your turn to speak so others can participate.

7. Keep the conversation going by asking questions and showing interest in others' ideas.

8. Be responsive. Let others know you hear and care about what they say.

9. Be tentative so that others feel free to add their ideas.

10. Talking is a human relationship in which details and interesting side comments enhance depth of connection.

Masculine Talk

1. Use talk to assert yourself and your ideas.

2. Personal disclosures can make you vulnerable.

3. Use talk to establish your status and power.

4. Matching experiences is a competitive strategy to command attention. ("I can top that.")

5. To support others, do something helpful—give advice or solve a problem for them.

6. Don't share the talk stage with others; wrest it from them with communication. Interrupt others to make your own points.

7. Each person is on her or his own; it's not your job to help others join in.

8. Use responses to make your own points and to out­shine others.

9. Be assertive so others perceive you as confident and in command.

10. Talking is a linear sequence that should convey infor­mation and accomplish goals. Extraneous details get in the way and achieve nothing.

Communicating effectively between gender cultures

Whether it's a Northern American thinking some­one who eats with hands is "uncouth" or a woman assuming a man is "closed" because he doesn't dis­close as much as she does, we're inclined to think what differs from our customs is wrong. Ethnocentric judgments seldom improve communication or enhance relationships.

Instead of debating whether feminine or masculine styles of communication are better, we should learn to see differences as merely that—differences. The information we've covered, combined with the emphasis on understand­ing and appreciating culturally diverse communica­tion, can be distilled into six principles for effective cross-gender communication.

Suspend judgment. This is first arid foremost, because as long as we are judging differences, we aren't respecting them. When you find yourself confused in cross-gender conversations, resist the tendency to judge. Instead, explore constructive­ly what is happening and how you and your part­ner might better understand each other.

Recognise the validity of different communication styles. In cross-gender communication, we need to remind ourselves there is a logic and validity to both feminine and masculine communication styles. Feminine emphases on relationships, feel­ings, and responsiveness don't reflect inability to adhere to masculine rules for competing any more than masculine stress on instrumental outcomes is a failure to follow feminine rules for sensitivity to others. It is inappropriate to apply a single criterion —either masculine or feminine—to both genders' communication. Instead, we need to realize differ­ent goals, priorities, and standards pertain to each.

Provide translation cues. Now that you realize men and women tend to learn different rules for inter­action, it makes sense to think about helping the other gender translate your communication. For instance, in the first example Rita might have said to Mike, "I appreciate your advice, but what I need first is for you to deal with my feelings." A comment such as this helps Mike interpret Rita's motives and needs. After all, there's no reason why he should automatically understand rules that aren't a part of his gender culture.

Seek translation cues. We can also improve our interactions by seeking translation cues from oth­ers. If Rita didn't tell Mike how to translate her, he could have asked "What would be helpful to you? I don't know whether you want to talk about how you're feeling or ways to help your friend. Which would be better?" This message communicates clearly that Mike cares about Rita and he wants to support her if she'll just tell him how. Similarly, instead of blowing up when Roseann disagreed with him and assuming she had deliberately misled him, Drew might have taken a more constructive approach and said, "I thought your feedback dur­ing my spiel indicated agreement with what I was saying. What did it mean?" This kind of response would allow Drew to learn something new.

Enlarge your own communication style. Studying other cultures' communication teaches us not only about other cultures, but also about ourselves. If we're open to learning and growing, we can enlarge our own communication repertoire by incorporating skills more emphasized in other cul­tures. Individuals socialized into masculinity could learn a great deal from feminine culture about how to support friends. Likewise, people from feminine cultures could expand the ways they experience intimacy by appreciating "closeness in the doing" that is a masculine speciality. There's little to risk and much to gain by incorporating additional skills into our personal repertoires.

Suspend judgment. If you're thinking we already corned this principle, you're right. It's important enough, however, to merit repetition. Judgment is so thoroughly woven into Western culture that it's difficult not to evaluate others and not to defend our own positions. Yet as long as we're judging others and defending ourselves, we're probably making no headway in communicating more effectively. So, suspending judgment is the first and last principle of effective cross-gender communication.