Chapter 9 rosalie goes shopping

ONE

We went shopping. Yvonne was calm, cool and collected. No-one would ever have guessed that she had never been in a clothes shop like this one before: large, impersonal, no appointment necessary, just wander in and buy clothes straight off the rack, with shop assistants who do not rush up to customers and who do not work on a commission basis so they don’t care if you buy anything or not.

Yvonne was raised in the country. Her mother bought her clothes and, like me, she remembered what it was like not to be interested in clothes. Also, like me, she grew up a tomboy, but much rougher. She used to actually get into physical fights with both girls and boys. I never did, except with my middle brother, Jeff, and they were only pretend, like the wrestling we watched on TV.

My brothers and I were told from a very early age that boys do not hit girls. This was great for me. I could hit Jeff as much as I wanted, but no matter how furious he became, fists clenched, ready to bop me one, I knew he could not and would not ever hit me. He got me in other ways: sneaking up on me with creepy crawlies dangling from his fingers, tickling me beyond endurance, jumping out from dark places and scaring me to death. Simply annoying the hell out of me by being himself.

I avoided my other brother, much older than me. He was too mean, too strong. He didn’t know how to play without Jeff or myself ending up hurt or in tears.

But I was definitely a tomboy. I liked dresses when I was very little. I had a favourite yellow dress, wore it everywhere, but something changed. I think I was a girl, then a boy, then a girl again. I was always a girl, never wanted to be a boy. I wanted to be both, but stay a girl. Boy games were too rough.

When I was about seven, I was playing in the back garden on our gym set. I climbed very high up and, with a sudden flash, realized I could hurt myself. Boys played totally without fear of pain or injury. I climbed down very slowly, knowing then that I could never go back to that fearless state any more.

TWO

With me ensconcedin the change room, Yvonne went back and forth, bringing me clothes to try on. We had browsed a bit and discussed the basics I needed. These weren’t fashion-show clothes, these were everyday me clothes. I didn’t look at the price tags. We selected two pairs of jeans, another pair of shorts, a lightweight, summery jacket, two shirts, a pair of ankle-high boots, which I immediately fell in love with, and six pairs of much-needed underpants. Yvonne didn’t press me about skirts or dresses. It was painless, quick and I loved it. Yvonne knew clothes. She knew my size, knew what would suit me and what I was ready for. We caught a taxi home, had lunch and slept.

THREE

The next day, Yvonne got her periods. Mine were due in four days or more, but never less.

“Why didn’t you tell me this is why you wanted to rest?” I asked. We lay in bed and Yvonne wore underpants. Total reversal. Instead of shirt, undone, and no underpants, it was underpants and no shirt. It was still hot, but raining now, as well. The rain flowed down wonderfully. We watched it stream down the funny green windows, the noise terrific. I love rain. It sounds great, smells great and makes you feel great, unless you have to go outside in it.

“Can you predict the weather, as well?” I followed up when all I got was a shrug.

“I like Sundays in bed,” Yvonne said in a very relaxed, subdued voice. “I haven’t had a proper Sunday for so long,” she continued. “My sex life was just that ─ sex. I never stayed over with anyone. Not for years have I mixed sex and love.”

Yvonne had served us breakfast in bed. I loved having her all to myself for a whole day again.

“When was the last time you mixed sex and love?” I asked, mainly interested in the sex side, but taking it slowly.

She rolled onto her back after a while and stretched loudly, groaning. She smiled and turned to look at me.

“Stop seducing me and answer me,” I said, already halfway seduced. Seeing Yvonne naked and stretching her gorgeous body was incredibly hard to resist.

“I thought I loved Louis, sort of. I talked myself into it. We had some lazy mornings together in bed, and there have been a couple since, but it always changed. They were busy, I was busy. No-one meant anything to me. I was playing the lover role, but I never felt it. I stopped playing, going along as you say, a long time ago. Sex became sex. No love, just sex.”

“How many?” I asked nervously. Yvonne knew my pathetic sexual history. A few one-night stands. Actually, about twenty in all. That’s all they were. In ten years, I had probably had sex about twenty times. Some one-night stands were with guys I was going out with and because it seemed like the thing to do. After a few drinks, I’d say, “Let’s go to bed.” We did, and nothing. A total fizzer. I felt nothing except annoyance, and why wasn’t my body working? I thought if I went to bed with the guy, something magical would happen; the right buttons would be pressed, the body would be put in motion on its own accord without my mind getting in the way. Sometimes it nearly did happen. I did feel a flicker of something sometimes.

One night with a friend didn’t work. We thought it might. We were such good friends. He wanted me badly and it should have been wonderful. I never knew he wanted me sexually. We’d known each other for years and then one day he was all nervous and coy. I asked him what was wrong and was bowled over when he said he’d always liked me sexually. He visited me after that, stayed at my place. We slept together, but no sex, no talking about it. It didn’t work, so we went back to what we’d had before. It was fine. I haven’t seen him in years.

I did have, I suppose, about four long-lasting relationships. Relationships which meant we saw each other when we could. We would go out, act, sort of, like boyfriend-girlfriend and then it would end.

My first boyfriend, Damian, and I should have just been mates. We got on really well. I was seventeen and he was eighteen. He was my first. We had sex about five times; I didn’t feel a thing

Yvonne laughed when I told her how I lost my virginity, because I’m not sure when it actually happened. Technically speaking, I lost my virginity to tampons. They were so hard to get in the beginning. After sex, it was much easier. I think that’s why I hated wearing skirts and dresses. Getting my periods was fine, but having to wear tampons and pads, I felt like everyone could see. I liked the comfort of wearing tight jeans, to keep everything in place.

Damien and I had been going out for about four months. We both wanted to have sex so I rationally and logically went on the Pill. We had to wait a month till we could do it. Damien counted the days. We did everything else a couple could do. This was way before AIDS, before sexually transmitted diseases were talked about. Sex in those days meant getting pregnant, that was our only fear. Damien and I had oral sex, we kissed, we fondled each other, he got erections and jerked off and sometimes I felt something. One night, he was kissing my breasts and nipples at the drive-in, while I tried to watch the movie. “Why are you doing that? I don’t feel anything,” I said.

He looked up. “You’re supposed to.”

“Well, I’m not,” I said. He tried again, all sorts of ways, to get my nipples and breasts to feel the way they were supposed to feel, but nothing. He went down to what was then my only source of sexual excitement. “More pressure,” I told him. “Stop slipping off. Here, like this.” I showed him how to rub my clitoris. He never got it right, never kept the pressure up. I think he got bored. I know I did.

Then came the night we could actually do it. We were in the back seat of his car. He pushed his cock in a little bit. It was too painful so I told him to get out and he did. We tried again a few nights later, but the same thing, too painful, get out. Poor guy, he never complained, didn’t even jerk off. I think he was more concerned about me.

So, did I lose it then? Or the next time, when, in the back of his panel van, in darkness, amidst cans of paint, rope, glue, tools, for his trade as a carpet layer, and me on my back (I’d never heard of anything but the missionary position back then), Damien, after a few painful pushes, suddenly stopped and lay still.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I’m in,” he said.

“What do you mean, you’re in?”

“It’s all the way in.”

“It can’t be.”

“It is.”

I put my hand down and felt around for his cock, but I couldn’t find it. It had vanished. I couldn’t believe that huge thing was inside me. I cried. Really cried. As far as I am concerned, that’s when I lost my virginity.

FOUR

“There have been a couple,” Yvonne said evasively. She looked at me with those eyes, seducing me.

“Yvonne, you were married for eleven years. Probably still are. You said you and Louis had affairs, so how many guys?”

“Some, a few. Lyn, it was just sex. I work hard, I haven’t got time for much else. I have never really been in love. I thought I was. I thought a lot of things, but I changed.”

“When?” I asked.

“A few years ago I decided to stop drifting. I knew my modeling days were definitely numbered. I was down to my last two-year plan. I aim to get out with a lot of money and maybe start my own modeling agency. I know the whole business, the model’s side, and now I’m learning the other side. I practically manage myself. My agent lives in Monte Carlo, for tax reasons. I hardly ever see him. I fax him the contracts, he looks them over and gives me advice, but basically I’m my own manager and agent now. If I can do it for myself, why not manage other people? I think I would like it. I have never enjoyed being managed or advised. After all these years, I finally have the agent I want. I trust him, he understands me and we’ve been together for four years now, a long time for me. My life is settled, I have a plan. He leaves me alone, my bookings are made, it’s all working.”

“And along I come and muck it all up.”

“Maybe, maybe not. I know I’ve never been happier, but my work is suffering. If only you had turned up a couple of years later. Then I would be settled and maybe have more time.”

“You said you were getting some heat about us. What’s that all about?”

“I smiled the other day. Suddenly started smiling in the middle of a fitting. I wanted to leave work early. People have to say things twice to me. I am constantly thinking about you and what you are doing and thinking. I am on the phone to Simone or to you. Having lunch with you. People know something is going on. Some ask who he is or when can they meet him. I don’t think anyone connects us yet. Everyone is really busy with the shows. They haven’t got the time to really notice anything except my drifting off and my sudden weight loss. I am annoying people and they aren’t used to that. Not in that sense.”

“In what sense are they used to you being annoying?”

“Knowing what I want. I have a reputation. We all do. But I have been in this business long enough to know what I’m talking about. People know that. I handle it, it’s no major problem.”

“So are we a major problem?”

“Not yet, just a minor one. But next week will be hell. We can still have lunch together, but it is really crazy time from now on. This is our last day of freedom.”

“And you have your periods.”

“Yes,” she laughed. “Great timing. But they will be finished in time for the first show so it’s good timing.”

“Well, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. You concentrate on work. I can think of a lot worse things than being stuck in Paris and only seeing you for lunch and dinner and after dinner.”

“Maybe not always dinner, but definitely after dinner,” she smiled.

“You’ll have to work through dinner?” I said, disappointed.

“Sometimes.”

“Well, call me and we’ll have dinner together.”

“Lyn, dinner at work is just that. I have dinner with you and I waste time when I could be there finishing up and then coming home. It’ll work out okay. And I will be there for your first fitting.”

“And choosing,” I said quickly.

“Yes, I will be there. I can choose what will look good on you. This is my area of expertise, okay?”

I nodded, unconvinced. “I’ll have to have my legs waxed before Friday.” I groaned, thinking of myself in stockings and hairy legs.

“Get nervous when it’s time. Not now.” She maneuvered herself on top of me, pushed my hair back and kissed and cuddled me.

“When’s my first fitting?” I asked.

“Tuesday night. I’ll change the appointment. It was going to be during the day, but now I am going with you, I will change it. No big deal.”