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Chapter Seventeen

Clancy packed her clothes up and put them in the truck just after dawn on Monday. Then she took the vehicle out of the garage and parked it on the street. She sat in the truck, drinking a cup of coffee while she waited for her crew to arrive. Even though she was ten feet from Abby's gate, she felt disconnected and alone. She'd felt the same way when she'd woken, and Abby had seemed distant also. She knew they were both trying to handle Hayley's return in their own ways, but she was troubled that they'd both been unable to talk about it.

Abby left the house at 10:00, and Clancy spent a few minutes resting against the handle of her shovel. She was lost in her thoughts and didn't hear Armando ask her about the placement of one of the boulders. He finally touched her shoulder, making her jump. She forced herself to concentrate, and finally managed to block the distractions from her mind.

The crew was sitting on the hill, eating lunch, when the back door opened and Hayley came out with both dogs on leashes, to let them have a bathroom break.

Clancy caught her eye. "Have a good trip?"

"Yeah. Thanks. I did," the younger woman said. "You've done a lot up there."

"Yep. We've had a good two weeks. The majority of the plumbing work is done."

"Well, it doesn't look very good, but I'm sure it will soon," she said, showing a smile that looked strained.

Clancy didn't reply, but she returned the smile. Hayley went back in, and Clancy spent the rest of the afternoon trying to calm her roiling stomach.

Abby didn't come out when the crew finished for the day. Clancy stalled and poked around for five minutes after the others left, then she got in her truck and went home.

She made dinner, then sat on the couch with the television on. She had no idea what program was playing, but the background noise was soothing. At 7:00 the phone rang, and she leapt for it. "Hello?"

"I miss you, and I love you, and I want you sitting right here in the kitchen."

"Sounds so good," Clancy said, hearing the longing in her own voice.

"We'll get there," Abby said, her tone confident enough to make Clancy perk up a little.

"So what's going on over there?"

"We've spent the day talking," Abby said. "Hayley's very upbeat, and that awful mood she was in when she left seems to be over. She seems much more like my baby again."

"That must be a relief," Clancy said. "She seemed normal when she walked the dogs today."

"Yes, she acted like Hayley today."

"So … can we see each other this week?"

"I'll try to figure out a way. I really will. I've been thinking about how to approach this, Clancy, and today I decided I should call my parents. They're both level-headed and my mom is very good at helping me come up with long-term plans." She laughed. "At least she was the last time I asked."

"How long ago was that?"

"Mmm … I think the last time was when I asked for her advice about whether I should get my masters degree right after I graduated from UCLA, or wait for a few years."

"Great," Clancy said, laughing. "Maybe she's been honing her skills since then."

"Well, no matter what, I'm not going to let much time pass. I need to tell the kids so we have time to work through things before Hayley leaves for school."

"That's the best news I've heard all day," Clancy said. "The sooner we start, the sooner we'll be finished."

On Tuesday, Clancy spent much of the afternoon bidding on a job in Monrovia. She arrived at Abby's just before the end of the workday, and walked to the back door to see her lover. She paused at the door, smiling to herself when she looked inside. Abby was sitting at the built-in desk that was part of the kitchen counter. She'd rolled her chair back and was resting her head on her crossed arms, looking like a very bored child who couldn't go out and play until her homework was finished. Both dogs lay at her feet, obviously so used to Clancy that they didn't call out the alarm when she approached. The landscaper knocked softly and the dogs merely lifted their heads while their tails thumped furiously. Abby swiveled around and the smile that came to her lips made Clancy parrot one of equal warmth.

Walking into the house, Clancy asked, "What are you working on? You don't look like you're having fun."

"I'm a big chicken," Abby said, sticking her lip out in an adorable pout. "I don't have the guts to call my parents and tell them about us."

"Oh, you poor baby." Clancy started to hug her, then asked, "Are we alone?"

"Nobody here but us chickens," Abby said, giving her a wry smile.

They hugged, with Clancy holding on until Abby released her. "So … you're what … writing to them?"

"Trying to. Not having much luck."

"Want me to help?" Abby pushed the computer towards her lover. "Do it. Don't even show it to me. Say whatever you want."

Laughing, Clancy stood behind her and massaged her neck. "You can do this. Just tell the truth. Tell them everything that happened. How we met … how we grew to be friends … how we grew more and more attracted to each other until we … well, don't tell 'em that part. They'll be able to figure that out for themselves."

Abby nodded, then rested her cheek on Clancy's hand. "If you stand behind me and rub my neck and shoulders I bet I could have this finished in ten minutes. You calm me down so well."

"Happy to." Clancy started to slide a kitchen chair over, but Abby stopped her.

"No, baby, I won't have you catering to my needs while I do this. Besides, Hayley's supposed to be home for dinner. Just give me a kiss that'll last me all night and leave me to my misery."

Clancy pulled the chair around and straddled Abby's lap. She didn't let much of her weight settle, but she wrapped her arms around her tightly. "I never want you to be miserable. But I'll do my best to give you a long-lasting kiss." She leaned into her and felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up when their lips met. In a moment, they were kissing deeply, nipping on each other's lips, tongues sliding against one another. Thankfully, the dogs jumped to their feet and scampered for the door a second before Hayley burst in. Clancy managed to be on her feet, and the girl didn't seem to notice a thing. "Hi, Mom. Clancy." She dropped her bag and petted each dog. "The beach was awesome today. I'm gonna shower down here so I don't track sand upstairs. Back in a few."

Abby smiled and made a gesture that looked a little like a wave. Hayley went into the bathroom and closed the door. As soon as Abby heard the door click she looked like she'd had her bones removed. Starting to slide down the seat of the chair, Clancy grabbed her under the arms and held her up. "It's okay, babe. She didn't notice a thing."

"I'm too old for this," Abby moaned. "I could have a stroke!"

"You'll be fine," Clancy soothed. "Now get to work and write your letter. I'll see you tomorrow." She kissed Abby on the top of the head, lingering a few moments to smell her hair. "I love you." She kissed her once more, on the cheek, then squeezed her shoulder and left for the day.

The next day, Abby appeared the minute the crew started to pack up for the day. When Clancy finished chatting with Ramon, she walked over and joined her under the pergola. "Hi," Clancy said, feeling a little uncomfortable.

"Hi. All finished?"

"Yeah."

"Everyone gone?"

"I think so."

"Wanna neck?" Abby's eyes were giving off an impish twinkle, and Clancy felt her unease vanish into thin air.

Letting out a relieved laugh, Clancy reached down and grasped her hand. "Is that a good idea?"

"No, of course not. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to." Leaning over just a few inches, Abby pressed her body against Clancy's shoulder and captured her earlobe in her teeth. "You have the cutest ears I think I've ever seen."

Clancy stiffened slightly and pulled away. "Abby, I don't want to chance having Hayley come home and catching us. Last night was bad enough."

Resting her head on her shoulder, Abby sighed and said, "I know. But the dogs proved how adept they are at being early warning devices."

"Still …" Clancy murmured.

"No, you're right. Stranger things have happened. I'll do my best to behave until it's all out in the open."

Clancy asked the question that had been nagging at her all day. "Got any idea when that might happen?"

Abby let out a wry laugh and said, "It almost happened last night. We sat up and talked for hours, and when we went upstairs the dogs ran for the guest room and curled up at the end of the bed, thumping their tails ferociously."

"Oh-oh."

"Yeah. Hayley noticed, of course, since they've never done that before, but I tried to slough it off as odd canine behavior." She laughed. "Luckily, they act odd enough on a consistent basis to make that excuse quite believable."

"So, was that the end of it?"

"No. I went to my room, but they didn't follow. After a while, I came out and they were still on the guest bed, looking quite depressed. They missed you," she said, a sad smile settling on her face. "I did too."

"I missed you, Abby," Clancy sighed. "I woke up twenty times during the night, trying to find you."

"None of us slept well, either," Abby said. "Artemis went in with Hayley, but Athena wouldn't give up the watch. Every time I woke, her head was up. It looked like she was unable to relax until you came to bed."

"So what do you think? Do you want to wait for a while to let Hayley settle in? Or is it best to just tell her and let her have some time to deal with it?"

"I don't want to do it today," Abby said. "I wrote my letter yesterday and mailed it this morning. Now I want to talk to a couple of my good friends to get some opinions. Ellen has known Hayley since she was born, and she's my closest friend. So … I have to come out to Ellen."

"The look on your face says that you're not happy about that."

Abby made a dismissive gesture. "No, that's not what the look says." She moved around a little, trying to face Clancy more directly. "I think better when I can look into your eyes," she said.

Clancy dipped her head and kissed her, the kiss short but heartfelt. "The little things you say make me fall more in love with you every day. God, I hope this feeling never stops, 'cause I'm addicted to it."

Abby ran her finger over her lover's lips, loving their form and they way they felt under her fingertip. "Things will calm down," she said. "But even though it won't feel as exciting, the feelings get so much deeper and stronger. It's a damn good trade-off for the unbridled joy of falling in love."

Nuzzling at her partner's neck, Clancy said, "Let's have both. Joy and depth."

"It's a deal," Abby said.

They sat quietly for a few minutes, then Abby reached over and held her lover's hand. Neither woman spoke, and the minutes ticked by until it was fully dark. The phone rang and Abby jumped noticeably, their reverie shattered. The dogs started to bark, sensing they should be on guard since their master had been startled. Shushing them, she went into the house and answered, her voice just soft enough for Clancy not to be able to hear. After a few minutes, Abby returned. She sat down with less grace than she usually exhibited and said, "I'm meeting Ellen for breakfast." She didn't say another word, and Clancy sensed that her partner didn't want to talk. So they held hands again and leaned gently against each other until Clancy had to leave. Kissing Abby tenderly, she said, "You'll do fine tomorrow. It went great with Pam and Maria, didn't it?"

Abby nodded, looking young and frightened.

"I know it's hard. I really do, babe, but you'll get through it. Ellen's a good friend, right?"

"Yeah. Very good."

"Good friends support you. That's what makes them friends. Try not to worry, okay?"

Abby nuzzled her face into her lover's neck, desperately seeking comfort. "I'm just not used to this kinda thing. I've never had to reveal anything like this. It scares me to death."

"I know, I know," Clancy soothed. She held Abby tightly, trying to transfuse some of her confidence into her partner. "Just get it over with, babe. It'll get easier with each person."

Abby picked up her head, looking into Clancy's soft gray eyes. "Are you sure?"

"It was for me," Clancy said. "Much easier."

They held each other for a few more minutes, then Clancy kissed Abby one more time, patted the dogs on the head, and left her partner to dwell in her own troubled thoughts.

The old friends met at one of their favorite haunts on Greene Street. It was early, so parking wasn't a problem, and they saw each other heading to the restaurant from opposite ends of the block. Abby's palms were damp and the butterflies were dive-bombing her stomach walls, but she tried to compose her expression into a semblance of normalcy. "Hi!" Ellen called when they were still twenty feet apart. "It seems like it's been months since we've been alone together. Where has the summer gone?"

They hugged each other, and the familiar exchange helped calm Abby down a tiny bit. "This summer has gone by faster than any I can recall," Abby said. "It seems like Hayley got home yesterday."

"I know things have been crazy for you with all of the work at your house," Ellen said. "But we both have to make time for each other. That's the only way to stay close."

Abby winced when she heard those words. She felt guilty enough about keeping her friend entirely in the dark about her new relationship, but having Ellen remind her that they were drifting apart really struck home. "I'm at fault," she admitted. "My friends are more important than my house. I'm going to concentrate on being more connected."

Ellen looked at her for a moment, obviously puzzled. "I'm not angry, Abby. Don't take me too seriously."

Abby slipped her arm under her friend's and led her into the restaurant. "I know you're not angry. I'm just reminding myself of what's important.

A few minutes later they were sipping cups of coffee while they waited for their order. Ellen put her forearms on the table, her usual posture when she wanted to dish. "So, what's going on? Tell me everything."

Abby laughed, but to her own ears it sounded like she'd been pinched. "Actually, a lot has been going on. A whole lot." She slipped her hand through her hair, needlessly straightening it. Then she had to fix her watch so it sat precisely in the middle of her wrist. Those essentials taken care of, she had nothing to do but look at her friend.

Ellen inclined her head, silently encouraging her to continue.

"Remember I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had been seeing someone?"

"Sure, I remember. Are you ready to unveil this mystery man? It's not one of the gubernatorial candidates, is it?"

With another yelp-like laugh Abby shook her head. "No. No. No politicians." She nodded to the server when he placed their meals in front of them, then decided she had to have a bite of her omelet before she spoke again. After chewing the small bite over fifty times she peeked up to see Ellen giving her a very concerned look. "I'm worried about your reaction to the person I'm dating," she said, drawing a little closer to the point.

"My reaction?" Ellen put her fork down and reached across the table to touch Abby's hand. "Is he married?"

"Oh! God, no!" Now her laugh was genuine. "It's nothing like that. I'd never go out with a married man. That would go against every principle I have."

"Then what …?"

"I'm making myself crazy with this cat and mouse game," Abby said. She took in a deep breath and spit it out. "Here's the truth. I'm seeing a woman."

"You're seeing a woman … what do you mean?"

Abby blinked at her, not expecting that particular response. "I'm dating a woman. Rather than a man … I'm dating a woman."

Her friend's fork dropped from her nerveless hand and clattered noisily against her plate. "I … I … Abby … how …" she gasped.

"It caught me by surprise, too. Actually, no one can be as surprised as I was … it just happened."

"Did Maria and Pam … set you up?" she asked, her eyes still wide and nearly unfocused.

"No, no, not at all," Abby said, swiftly shaking her head. "I think they're still a little bit in shock as well."

"Then how … where do you go to meet a lesbian, Abby? Is it someone from church?"

"No. That's another slightly funny angle," she said. "She's the landscape architect that I hired to work on my yard."

"But … that can't … I distinctly remember your telling me about her. You described her as a girl … surely you …" Ellen looked like she was about to faint, but Abby knew she didn't have any power to make this easier.

"She's not a girl, Ellen, she's lucky to look very young for her age. Once I got to know her, I saw how mature and generous and kind she was and I just … I fell in love with her."

"You're in love with her?" Her voice was really too loud for the setting, but Abby didn't ask her to keep it down.

"Yes," she said firmly, her eyes locked with Ellen's. "I'm in love with her."

"Jesus, Abby! I can't believe that Maria hasn't sat you down and given you a good talking to! Can't you see what's happening here?"

"Uhm … I think I know what's happening -" she began, but her friend cut her off.

"You don't know what's happening if you think you're in love! For God's sake! There is a man out there for you! Just because you haven't met him yet is no reason to go off the deep end!"

"Ellen," she said, her voice calm and soft, "this has nothing to do with my ability to attract men. I'll admit that I was demoralized about the whole dating thing - but Clancy would have appealed to me if my phone were ringing off the hook. We just clicked."

"Clancy? How old is this woman? That sounds like a kid's name."

Abby was beginning to take umbrage to the tone that Ellen was using, but she decided to keep calm and reply to her question. "She's twenty-nine," she said, staring her right in the eye.

"Twenty-nine! Twenty-nine! Trevor's almost twenty-nine! Have you completely lost your mind? You're dating the gardener, for God's sake, and she's young enough to be your child … your daughter, no less! Abby, I love you enough to tell you this to your face - you need help!"

"Help?"

"Yes! You need professional help! I know how much you've grieved for Will, but that doesn't give you the right to do something so against your nature!"

"This isn't against my nature," she said, no longer feeling nervous. "It feels entirely natural, Ellen. Completely and totally natural."

"There's nothing natural about seeking out a girl your son's age to have sex with! Nothing!"

"What are you upset about?" Abby asked. "Are you upset that I'm dating a woman or that she's younger than I am, or that she's not a professional? Because none of those are very good reasons to be angry with me."

"Abby, what would you do if I left my husband to run off and join the circus?"

Making a face, Abby said, "That's hardly analogous."

"Yes it is! You've never been a lesbian before, you've never been interested in younger men, and you've always been a member of the decidedly upper class! I've never seen you searching for hole-in-the-wall Vietnamese restaurants in Hollywood, or selling your old clothes at the flea market at the Rose Bowl. You're a wealthy woman, and you like being a wealthy woman! I guarantee you that you wouldn't date one of the boys from the supermarket! Why is it all right just because she's a woman?" Her head was beginning to throb, and she found that she could hardly keep track of the conversation. All she wanted to do was go home and have Clancy hold her. "Why is what right? What rule am I breaking?"

Ellen pursed her lips. Her forehead was wrinkled in a deep frown and her cheeks were drawn tightly against her teeth. "You're a forty-five year old widow. You have grown children. You have a name in this community. You don't ignore your husband's memory and your children's feelings and the respect of your peers to do what feels right at any given moment! Hell, I want to have the pool boy come in and show me what it's like to make love to a twenty-year-old, but I don't do it! It would hurt too many people! I care more about other people than I do myself!"

Abby spent a moment composing herself. Her face was flushed with anger, and she knew she was on the verge of unloading on Ellen. But she also knew that she could easily destroy their friendship with a few harsh words, and she was determined not to. "I can only assume that you think you're telling me all of this for my own good. But I know what's right for me, Ellen. Loving Clancy is what's right, and the fact that some people won't be happy about it can't stop me. Love is too precious to throw away."

"Are two of those people Trevor and Hayley? How do they feel about Clancy?"

"I haven't told them yet," she said. "I thought it would be easier to talk to my friends first." With hurt coloring her voice, she added, "I thought my friends would be supportive."

"You thought wrong," Ellen said flatly. "If you don't care about your kids' feelings, then I'm doubly sure that you're doing this out of some temporary bout of insanity."

Abby was unable to hold it in for another moment. Her anger began to spill out of her like a pot boiling over. "I don't care about my children? How can you have the nerve … the gall … to say that to me! I've given up more than you know to be there for my kids … every time they need me. And that won't change because of Clancy. She knows the kids have to come first … but not because they don't approve of this. They're adults now, and they can make their own decisions - and so can I!"

"So if Trevor or Hayley decide they can't tolerate this you'll let them walk away from you? Is that what you're saying?" Ellen's face was nearly purple with anger, and she was clutching her fork like a weapon.

"That won't happen," Abby said. "My children will never abandon me. Never!"

"What … if … they … do?" Ellen asked, spitting each word out.

"Then … I'll wait for them to come around." The words were out before Abby had a moment to consider them. But once she said them she knew they were the absolute truth. No one … not her kids … not her friends … not her parents could persuade her to give Clancy up. She was desperately in love with her, and the rest of the world was going to have to learn to adapt.

Clancy pulled into her parking spot, only to see Abby's car taking Michael's place. She ran up the path, finding her lover sitting on her steps, looking disconsolate. "Why didn't I go to work with you?"

"What happened?"

Abby didn't reply. She just got up and waited for Clancy to open the door. As soon as they entered, Abby closed her eyes and asked, "How about a hug?"

"Always." Clancy wrapped her strong, tanned arms tightly around Abby's body and she swore that she could feel her lover's pulse slow noticeably.

Placing a kiss on Clancy's neck, Abby sat down on the sofa. "I told her." She made a face as she said, "She wasn't supportive."

"Oh, damn … I'm sorry. I know she's a good friend - that must have hurt."

"Yes, it did," she said. "But it made me angry, too. I'm really disappointed in her. She said some things that make me wonder about her."

Clancy nodded and said, "Give her a little leeway. This had to be a massive shock to her."

"I know that," she said quietly, "but that's no reason to treat me like I'm out of my mind. She demanded … demanded … that I seek psychiatric help!"

"Ouch!" Clancy made a face and said, "Give her some time. She might come around."

With a heavy sigh Abby said, "I hope so. "We've been friends since before Will and I were married. Her husband Neil was one of Will's best friends. They were both so supportive after Will died … I can't stand the thought of losing them as friends."

"Give her time, and try again when she has time to cool off. If she's who you think she is, she'll be able to accept us."

"I hope so," Abby said. "I really hope so."

Michael wasn't due home until 8:00 p.m., so they went into Clancy's room and held each other for hours. As usual, Abby didn't talk much, sticking to her habit of processing her feelings before she could talk about them. At around 7:00 she asked if she could use the phone.

"Of course you can." Clancy handed the receiver to her and then wrapped her body around Abby's naked form.

Smiling, the older woman called Maria and found that Ellen had already called to tell her about Abby's revelation.

"Am I that wrong about her?" Abby asked. "I always thought she was so open-minded."

"I think she is," Maria ventured.

"How can you say that?" Abby asked. "This is nothing but anti-lesbian working-class prejudice!"

Maria chuckled softly and said, "Abby, I doubt that she'd call me to complain about your being a lesbian if her rationale was homophobic. Yes, she's upset that you're in a lesbian relationship - but not because of the lesbian angle per se."

"Then what is it?" Abby demanded irritably.

"I think that she's upset because of the sea-change this is for you. I honestly don't think her reaction would be a bit different if Clancy were a thirty-year-old man. I think it's the age and the socioeconomic issues that have her most upset."

"Oh, so she's not homophobic," Abby scoffed. "She's just ageist and classist."

"Okay, I'll grant that her position doesn't put her in the best light," Maria said, "but this is a big change for you. She's afraid that you're drawn to Clancy because other things haven't worked out well for you. I also think she's a little afraid that Clancy is taking advantage of you."

"Of course!" she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Working class people are always trying to pull one over on us!"

"I know this upsets you, and I understand why, but you go back a long way with Ellen. Don't take all of her words so seriously. She's concerned about you, and she's shooting her mouth off a little - but I'm certain that she means well."

Abby sighed and made a face. "You know I'll be more civil when this settles a bit. I'm just hurt. I expected more from one of my closest friends."

"I understand. I really do. If she was spouting off at you like she did at me, I'd be upset, too. But when someone gets this angry over something that really doesn't concern her … I always try to look behind the behavior and figure out why she reacted so strongly."

"Any ideas, Doc?"

"Yeah, a few, but I won't push them at you just yet. You and Ellen have known each other longer and better than I've known her. You'll figure out what's going on over time. I'm sure of it."

"You're an optimist," Abby said. "I don't know how you are given what you see at work, but you are."

"You are too," Maria reminded her. "Only an optimist would do some of the things you've done this summer."

"An optimist, or an idiot?" Abby asked, sensing that Maria wasn't saying everything that was on her mind.

"You're one of the brightest people I know," Maria said. "You've never done anything idiotic since I've known you … and I've been on the lookout."

Her cavalier reply reassured Abby, and she said, "I was really shaken today, Maria. It made me consider how much my friends mean to me. I'm more grateful than you'll ever know that you and Pam have been so understanding."

"We love you, Abby. We always will. Now go have Clancy wrap you up in her arms and give you some comfort. That always helps."

"That's one bit of advice I'll act on immediately," Abby said. "Give my love to Pam and Alyssa."

"I will. Call me if you need to talk anymore. I'm always available to you, sweetie."

"The same goes for me," Abby said. "Bye." As soon as she hung up, she tucked her head into Clancy's shoulder and let out a sigh. "Hayley should be home soon. I'd better go. But I need some hugs first."

"That's what I do best," Clancy said as she proceeded to hug her partner with all of her might.

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